¶ Opening Chat
First episode of listener topic choice! First mention of The Bean Machine.
Discussion around what if the topic is poor? Jettison it or get cancelled? Have the power to edit but not tell anyone: The Three Bean Oath. Ben swears on a bible; Mike on an ancient oak tree; and Henry on Bluebell’s paws.
¶ Topic Chat
Nasty things in bags (chopped up body parts). Bag as a weapon... Bowling ball inside, cartoon granny who hits with her bag.
Bombs in bags (abandoned bags in train station). Assumed controlled explosion. Need the salty robot (and handler, and chaperone). Transport it to a huge, disused airfield. It’s a huge amount of effort. If the bag is a crime scene and you explode it, you create leg shrapnel and a crime scene the size of Berkshire... Maybe we just look inside. It might just be a sandwich? Don’t give chocolate to the police dog or you will have to explode the animal rights people. There will be a state funeral for the dog bringing millions of visitors and one leaves a bag unattended – the cycle begins again!
Favourite bag, Ben's 29th birthday binbag full of lamb (stolen from Sainsbury’s) in a pub. Henry offered ham from a bag. Mike never offered meat from a bag (too aloof or only eats “found ham”?).
Henry talks about the importance of his bag. The beans list its contents (starting with chunky wallet and ending with inflatable strawberry stand). It also contains a smaller shopping bag for times when he says “f*ck it” and buys cashews and broccoli florets.
The period of man bags being funny (approx. 5 yrs). Men and bags have existed together for a long time. Did Napoleon have a bag (kept things in his hat?).
In the olden days they had a bag man – now unacceptable – so you are your own bag man.
The David Beckham era (sarongs, flip flops and bags). He can get away with anything but looks like a pillock... Maybe this because Henry is a Gooner (Arsenal F.C. supporter for our American friends).
Art installation of video of him sleeping. Henry went to see it... “Actually quite good”, but you can justify anything in an art gallery.
The “Leisure Air Bag” to liven things up on a stag do by driving a Renault into a bollard!
Accidental triggering of the air bag – like a child with a crisp packet (the origins of airbags).
Do Americans have much variety in potato chips – salty, paprika and pink puffo cheeses now available in purple/foam. USA obsessed with marshmallow, peanut butter, and cinnamon, which haven’t made it to the UK yet.
Recently discovered Snyder’s of Hanover (only available in Henry’s local garage?) pretzel chunks – the height of sophistication. Oily, greasy, crunchy, gorgeous, available in cheese and jalapeno.
A potential podcast sponsor?
Henry is sponsored personally – needs to fulfil his jalapeno quota to access the blimp. Ben reveals he is sponsored by Schuffengruber’s of Pennsylvania. Mike is sponsored by Herbert De’Luar and their “wetzels”. Henry’s garage also sells Ritter Sport – another sophisticated snack. And Bounty “biscuit soft soft cookie biscuits”. Henry had an anti-mugging bag (flesh coloured) makes travellers cheques smell like “back of watch”. External bum-bag on the front “double bluff decoy”. Got it nicked in a mugging in Mexico city by 3 young faced big boys who stole his identity and now live in his home with his family. They are The Three Enriques and they are given contemporary novels meant for Henry whilst he watches through the window.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
Appeal for topics.
We learn about the workings of The Bean Machine and the week of pain that Ben goes through to digest, decode, and translate the bean topic (leading to his amazing skin, mucous covered tail, and need for 24-hour nursing care).
Ben notices that correspondence is often a response to something said by The Beans deemed as incorrect. Dan Trelfur emails as he is angered by Henry’s suggestion that Cary Grant doesn’t run and cites potentially the most famous scene in cinema history: running from the plane in North by North West. Henry says it seems like running but they just jiggled the camera in front of a fake picture and threw a cornfield at him.
Other people have sent in thirst pics of Cary Grant. They also say he wasn’t in Roman Holiday (that was in fact Greggory Peck). Henry agrees to disagree but suggests we respect each other’s views.
Lauren Briscoe enjoys Pompidou and Digestive Tract Talk. Ben says the latter hasn’t been in this week and is corrected by the other beans.
Pompidou pompidous itself.
Lauren wants a flightless bird jingle mash-up. Bossa nova suggested by Mike and early Bob Dylan suggested by Henry.
Ben's suggested reason for the flightless/sexy leg situation was wrong: “Hobby Ornithologist” Letitia says that natural predators were rare, so they didn’t need to fly, but then new predators came, and they had to develop other defences such as running and kicking.
Lots of tweets about how short bird legs are sexy too! Ben says he doesn’t find any birds sexually attractive but doesn’t want to shame anyone who does.
Amy Hunt (accredited extinct flightless bird-ologist) introduces The Beans to the perfect combination of scary and sexy: the elephant bird. It goes straight for the brain and stirs it like a yogurt. There is the suggestion of de-extinction for the elephant bird but perhaps we keep that for the zombie apocalypse. (Henry: “What could go wrong?”.)
Blair Perry says that an ostrich bit their nipple last year. Mike wants to know the series of events but Henry is caught up in the phrasing and the implication of one central nipple.
Ben doesn’t agree! Henry ranted about long emails in Posters and now all emails are kept short. Henry stands by his decision.
Tweet received by Susan Turnbull to say that the secretary bird is not flightless! Ben questions whether they fly like a chicken (i.e. not very well)? No, they soar (rise to 3,800m). Henry says “that’s space isn’t it?!”
Anna Jones brings The Beans attention to the Red Legged Seriema that tosses its prey against rocks and shreds it with sickle claws. It is the closest living relative to the terror birds.
Henry tells a story of once being terrified by a ordinary dark brown bird that was stuck in the sash window. He draws an interesting parallel between the bird and Hannibal Lecter. The bird is saved by Henry’s disappointed father who releases it warning it about the perils of having a third child. Henry moved out 2 years later and says the bird was a sign.
¶ Jingles
- 00:30 - Opening theme
- 36:07 - Digestive Tract Talk
- 41:18 - Pompidou
- 43:07 - Flightless Bird Zone
¶ Bollockings
No official bollockings, but Cary Grant and sexy birds legs emails are the start of the bollockings.
¶ Notable Quotes
- "Don't give it to the dog if it's got chocolate in it, you mad fool, then you create another incident!"
- "Bin bag full of meat!"
- "Opportunistic ham eater"
- "The implication is that Napoleon fought a war on two fronts and literally never had a bag"
- "Do you remember David Beckham's sarong?"
- "I would like to know what it feels like to have an airbag go off in my face"
- "And he’s a salty little bitch, isn’t he, that robot?"
- "Book of Summer Solstice Prayers… Telescopic Maypole… Sinister Pig Mask!... Child and Young Adult Sacrifice Kit!... Travel Henge!"
- "Snyders of Hanover: Is that a gentleman’s glove shop? … Is it a family of assassins?"
- "Bounty biscuits soft, soft cookie biscuits? I’m guessing it’s quite a soft biscuit"
- "Great name for a Rhea, Gregory Peck!"
- "Pompidou Pompidous itself, doesn’t it"
- "I actually want to go as far as to say: I personally don’t find Iany birds sexually attractive."
- "What you want to get is a human that’s got a kind of fruit corner head where there’s a little bit on the side you can mix in with the main brain, like a compote."
- "What was more frightening to you at the time? The bird, or your complete lack of career prospects?"