¶ Opening Chat
Note that episode was recorded a few weeks before the death of the Duke of Edinburgh, so episode was edited by Mike to refer to him in the past tense (out of respect), but not enough respect to edit out referring to him as a lizard.
Ben notes that they talk about the Royal Family a lot, then they talk about how much they do or don't talk about the Royal Family and the paradox this presents.
Mike is established as the bean who says hello; he is the "anchor".
The origins of Newsnight (the James Bond of news).
Jon Sopel getting turned on by American news.
Discussion of "The Beast" (Presidential Car) and its security features and the appeal of American glossary (caucas and senate etc).
Emily Maitlis, who has a classy movie assassin vibe, and how the movie industry would ruin it. The Maitlis Trillogy/Chronicles.
Her interview with Prince Andrew. Options for movie styles, direction, elaboration.
¶ Topic Chat
When people say lizards haven’t changed for years, what should the reaction be?
Mike suggests "wonder"; Henry questions why we should feel wonder that evolution didn't happen?
Ben: everything evolves into crabs (the ultimate perfect organism). All roads lead to crab.
Henry wonders about an increase in sidling.
This leads to looking for signs that humans are developing into crabs. Humans like paddling in the sea. Americans call the pavement a "sidewalk". We have a desire for claws. We have developed external protective clothing "getting dressed?!"; a natural lurch toward the shell (riot police, skateboarders, cyclists), clackety shoes, behaviour in a bucket, reaction to bacon on a string.
Do crabs/lobsters feel pain? Only as a dashboard style warning system. The Beans notice that they are off topic but suggest that lizards are a crab without a shell that will inevitably become a crab sooner or later (or may already be depending on podcast release date).
Another feature of lizards is that the tail comes off and regrows. Mike's 7-year-old acquaintance suggests that this applies to limbs too. Henry questions the origins and nature of this friendship.
The Beans discuss the concept of limb replacement as applicable to mankind. There are bits of humans that are replaced (cheek inside, fingernails, and liver) however if an arm is removed it will not regrow. Where is the divide? Mike says arms will scar and, if you "nosh brain cells", that they “ain't coming back”.
Henry says that human ears continue to grow (e.g. Prince Charles) but that they get longer rather than bigger.
They discuss the fallacy of fingernails growing after death and this leads to a conversation about the woman with the world’s longest fingernails. Gow difficult it would be to do tasks and how annoying the middle phase (before monetisation) would have been.
Back on the topic of limb regeneration the beans discuss the Netflix documentary “My Octopus Friend” (later corrected to My Octopus Teacher) as a pitch for a children’s book and how it is the classic story of a depressed man who meets an octopus.
The Beans explain to the listener that an octopus is sort of an aquatic lizard. What are they taught? SATs? Geography? Economics? Sexual interaction is suggested but controversial due to the teaching role.
The link to lizards is re-affirmed because, like a lizard, if the octopus loses an arm/leg (to a shark attack) it re-grows it.
Henry and Ben turn to Mike for knowledge on possible immortality but are disappointed.
Ben is disturbed by the idea of an octopus “beak” (combi mouth/anus).
The Beans move on to the royal family lizard conspiracy (possible space lizards?). Lizards portrayed as nasty possibly due to the literal aspect of being cold-blooded.
Where did the idea of the Royal Family being lizards come from? David Ike on a roll with Lynam, Hanson, and Lineker.
How does the conspiracy work when people marry into the family? The Beans discuss various members of the family (by birth and marriage) and wonder how the genetics work.
They establish that Diana is definitely a human. Harry struggles with his half lizard existence, and that Princess Eugenie is a tortoise.
You know you’re on holiday when you see a lizard.
Are we (the UK) the only non-lizard nation? Cornwall has lizards. We also have domestic snakes and cats. Discussion on re-introduction of species. Ben is “well up for it”. Henry worries about the soul searching after the inevitable wolf attacks. Mike thinks they will fight it out (shepherds vs environmentalists).
The beans realise there are lots of lizards not yet mentioned.
- Hot sand lizards that lift their feet up
- Chameleons. Colour changing; perhaps where the idea of shapeshifting came from?
- Crocodiles and aligators (not lizards). The Beans are ashamed of their lizard knowledge
- Dinosaurs. Go back in time to tell a T-Rex that he is outlived by the salamander
We end the discussion back on crabs – natures land based drone!
¶ Emails
Ben apologies for saying rhea when he meant cassowary (and in turn all the euthanised rheas and unsupervised cassowaries who have been destroying zoos and pulling off faces). He reads from Wikipedia about the “dagger-like claw”.
They talk about “flightless birds with sexy legs” and how these are evolved as a honey trap which eventually leads to the development of jazz.
Email from Kim who says she has seen Chris Rea and a Rhea but been attacked by neither. The Beans are not surprised as rheas (they now know) are not aggressive. They are surprised by Chris Rea who is vicious!
The Beans share stories of Chris Cassowary and his violent outbursts in service stations. Mike asks if, since this was the only correction, does that mean everything else said last week was accurate?
First email from Sperbs. This starts with referering to Ben as “the other guy”. Can Sperbs replace Ben? Bean re-shuffle! Sperbs has a childhood dream of being a middle aged, British comedian despite no interest in comedy and not British.
The back-handed compliment, three indistinguishable voices, mildly funny conversation. Ben has been separated from the pack. Henry is dependent on Sperbs for self worth and is now incapable of “de-sperbing”.
Sperbs suggests a topic “mermaids or something – who cares?!". The Beans agree that the next topic will be mermaids.
Henry recognises Sperbs’ powerful psychological manipulation. Ben says his goodbyes. Podcast is renamed (Sperbs World/Sperbs Legend 1).
Ben is sent on the long walk in the exponential Sperbs wilderness until his dying day. At his funeral Sperbs will attend to ruin it. This starts with a projector then techno music, lasers, a waterpark, cassowarys, incest, and finally the big reveal of Ben (still alive) in the spotlight. This ends with Mike shoving a snooker cue down Ben's throat because he was in the toilet and missed what was going on. There is no explanation for his actions. Ben thanks Sperbs for the start of a 40 year plan.
¶ Notable Quotes
- "I think I could anchor a news show in a small breakaway Soviet republic."
- "Newsnight started when a small junta led by Gavin Esler and Kirsty Wark stormed BBC Television Centre, and they’re yet to leave."
- "You don’t get American correspondents going, “I’m in Finsbury Leisure Centre”.
- "[Maitlis] kind of has the vibe of a sort of classy movie assassin."
- "It’s like 'all roads lead to Rome', except it’s 'all organisms eventually turn into a crab'."
- "When it comes to 'there can be only one', it's gonna be down to Shark vs. Crab, is what you're saying, for final dominance of the Earth? This mankind thing is just a passing phase."
- "The clackety clackety shoes! The clacketing!"
- "If you nosh up a couple of brain cells, that’s a one way street, they ain’t coming back, it’s a one way street right there."
- "Oooooh, the Coup de Sperbs!"
- "Does a combo mouth/anus mean you don’t have an intestine therefore? It just goes straight in and out?"
- "You’re not going to be able to give comfort to landmine victims if you’ve come out of a leathery egg."
- "It’s effectively nature’s land-based drone, isn’t it, the crab?"
- "We’ve been Sperb’d here."
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