¶ Opening Chat
Henry folding up shorts. Mike has shorts with offensive holes in, "aiming for a below the waist eclipse", "we've got one chance... To see Wozniak's knob?". Ben's holey underwear and his growing perineal horn.
Ben seeing a dead dolphin on the beach (and the wonder of nature). Mike also saw a dead dolphin (IT'S A PORPOISE!) and the locals bagged, tagged, and dragged it up the beach. Dolphin on dolphin violence, bearing all the hallmarks of a bar fight.
Video of a whale exploding on a beach.
Henry talks about Henry VIII exploding in the room of his wedding reception; Henry's wedding reception in a cloistered Tudor discotheque with "John The DJ" the lacklustre DJ (not worthy of lustre). Ben's sister's wedding and Shakira, Shakira gets free tilt at the buffet, honeymoon in litigious Shakira's garden with her tortoise covered in anti-climb paint (she lives next to Peter Gabriel who has a trebuchet that he can't wait to use).
Should the Bean machine have a sound effect? Certainly not the haunting sound of Ben's tearing flesh. Mike's guitar chat should never be heard, neither should Henry's snack chewing noises; Werner Herzog is the only person capable of listening to such outcuts.
¶ Topic Chat
The Queen and Prince can pull off wearing purple.
Mike has a shiny, purple guitar which he talks about in detail whilst Henry loses his mind ("dont encourage him Ben please"). Henry suggests Mike takes all of the joy from music when he talks like this but Mike says all the joy goes into him. Mike bought the guitar aged 15 in Southampton, provincial 15 year old boys hanging around guitar shops. Mike's list of "Best Guitarists of All Time" to bore people with at weddings, including Stewart Nosh (of the Noshmeisters). Music journalists are the most boring people on Earth. Henry argues the Hacienda was just a nightclub. Exeter nightclub "Timepiece"; Henry does not understand the provincial nightclub vibe due to him being in the nightclub scene of Ministry of Sound, Fabric, Corduroy etc. Clubbing is just crunching glass and something menacing happens in the toilet, but in the Hacienda it's Peter Hook vomiting on your shoes. In Exeter it's Mike on a night out with the local lollipop lady, who carries a pizza on the end of the lollipop.
Purple is the colour of Dairy Milk. American chocolate is shit, but this is why they are a global superpower, everyone else too distracted by chocolate. Galaxy vs Dairy Milk and Galaxy's "indecent" branding. You should be eating Galaxy wearing a silk kimono in a roll-top bath whilst cupping a (consenting) rabbit. Cotton vs silk and silk coming from "the arse of a worm". Luxury items coming from disgusting places: pearls, lobster ("tonight darling you may have the clomper meat"). Insight into crustacean and royal family focus.
Henry talks about "The Silk Road". Henry argues that he could live without silks and spices (apart from pepper) but still wants "Silky Nutmeg Thursdays".
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
Pre-bean machine chat: lots of emails saying Snyder's of Hanover are widely available. This is because Henry leaves them around everywhere. Onion never foregrounded as a flavour. Mike suggests a poorly controlled case of psoriasis has layers like an onion or lasagna
"Susan" a lawyer and her bean romance. Henry wants grim details about the case; Henry's nightmare about being accused of a crime he didn't commit with the Swan matches logo tattooed on his face. Russell Crowe believes in "Crowe Justice", which includes filling your home with crows and hiding in your cutlery drawer.
Amelia can't put a name to the voices apart from Mike's as it reminds her of two demonic people from her childhood. Mike is clearly horrified by this.
Tim furious that a quail has been classed as a flightless bird.
Jack's brother bought a iguana that lived in the bathroom and got too attached to his mum and then it got put down.
They discuss the end of Series 1 and, like The Wire, the Beans will be recast with Paul Giamatti as Mike, Tilda Swinton as Ben, and Sir Ben Kingsley as Henry. They discuss how long the hiatus will be. None of them know, but they will be coming back because they've enjoyed doing it.
¶ Jingles
- 55:06 - Flightless Bird Zone
- 01:00:02 - Pompidou (T&Cs version)
¶ Notable Quotes
- "We've got one chance... To see Wozniak's knob?"
- "Did they write dead on a post-it and slapped it on the side of a dolphin?"
- "2 Necks 1 Gizzard"