¶ Opening Chat
Listener challenge to not mention anuses immediately scrapped as Ben mentions his medical issue as regards that area; stool softener prescribed (like a fabric softener).
Henry's phase of constipation. Goes straight to suppositories. Metaphor of a bank raid: gold is in the safe but can't be broken out of the bank via the back door. Henry is Las Vegas and his rectum is a casino. Arse is the human weak point (like on the Death Star). Arse-first in a street brawl.
Henry going to dentist (front of the bank) cos filling fell out of molars (the ones for compacting). Luckily not one of the show teeth / status teeth (front teeth). This tooth is like one of the engine room guys on the Titanic/playing the accordian (front teeth listen to Philip Glass). Despatch a weed Henry by punching out front teeth; tough guy gang lounging about.
¶ Topic Chat
Mike wishes he was a short sleeper like Thatcher or Edison. Or did Thatcher just leave a light on? Henry listens to the Thatcher Chill Zone when he can't sleep, or thinks about how it's okay when the clock says 4am because Thatcher got by okay, or people in an army battle/jungle. High-octane illustration job the next day not quite the same.
When tired, Ben leaves the hob on. Mike falls down the stairs (twice within 7 minutes last week). Mashed toe photo shared amongst the Beans. Henry does weird shit on no sleep (Clare Balding in formal regalia), gets trapped into a kalaedoscopic Escher staircase when trying to fall asleep.
Need to trick yourself then you'll wake up ready for the day. "Go, go, go", 3 little bluebirds on your boner, "freshly voided, rock solid, ready to go".
Ben and Henry childless so defer to Mike. Mike is a heavy sleeper though so slept through any baby torment; all baby's cot items thrown on Mike's bed during the night with him none the wiser. It was "quite troubling". Henry has slept in same room as Mike and recorded the "animalistic growlings".
Sleep as a zero-sum game. Mike is a sleep black hole, apart from as regards Pam (but not for his own children). He's a "subconscious arsehole", similar to a psychopath. Ben references 'Force Majeur' – Mike would just grab the dogs and run.
Ben is a sleep talker ("disquieting"). Mike was a sleep laugher as a baby. Very smug, master of sleep. Caveman speak, no bon mots, reminding Henry of the animalistic nature of mankind. Henry a big fan of the nap. Ben isn't. Mike can't crack it.
Mike's technique: "in secret, in the study, on the floor". Henry horrified by this technique.
Description of MW's study: globe drinks cabinet, billiards table on wall, retired drunk colonel, 14-foot oak desk from HMS Victory (Nelson's left arm in a drawer), pistol in case of disgrace, 2-headed human baby in jar, half of ancient stone tablet revealing paternal mysetry, clacking balls, Rubik's cubes, mini pyramid challenge – standard provincial office space.
Henry recommends sofa for nap. Ben warns of ever-present danger of napping till 1am. Henry compares it to New Coke; could have been even more pre-eminent (Coke cubes in glass made of Coke served by caffeinated, fizzy waiter.
Jet lag also not bothering Mike because of sleep smugness. Henry and Ben have had holidays ruined by it. Holiday crab ready to play tennis but Henry too tired even for the fruit platter. Mike and crab play 3 sets of tennis and swan off into the evening ready for jeep ride to waterfall in the morning, sucking out the crab meat from its legs and then its brain.
Sleep "put to bed at last".
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
Ben reads beginning of email and invites Mike an Henry to guess who it's from... Emailer excludes Ben from "Dear" section. They guess it's Sperbs. He cannot be second-guessed. Sperbs begins with a qualified compliment to Mike and Henry only. Firing a laser refracting into rainbows of hatred. Sperbs compliments Ben's jingles; he wants to hear an hour of contextless jingles, reeling Ben in for the slap. An economy of slap 'n' tickle is how he operates. Only way to defeat Sperbs is to enter a virtual grid system. Is Sperbs a manifestation of the Beans' hopes and fears? Ben always reads the emails out, Mike and Henry never seen one of his emails... Is Sperbs Ben?
Sperbs' topic suggestions: yams, dog racing, staplers, barns, dog fighting, paganism, assassination of William McKinley, concept of self, dogs, Falklands, Scientology, animal testing, and dogs.
Mike needs to check on Pam (his greatest weakness).
William Jones' post-night out bender resulted in waking to an injured seagull in his halls of residence room, nestled in his leather jacket. Angry and shat everywhere (the seagull). Threw duvet at seagull. Bundled up and threw out of 6th-floor window. It turns out he promised to take the seagull to a vet whilst drunk the night before.
Violet and the woman on a mobility scooter (with dog) chasing an injured magpie (impossible to picture for Henry). Violet helped the woman pick up the bird ("that's mine!"). Perhaps the magpie was a missing child turned into a magpie. Russell Crowe to star in the film of this.
Owen Parker (song producer) heard tapping/scratching in his studio. Bird trapped in ceiling cavity. Owen was attacked by George the Swan as a 4-year-old. Henry wants to institute bird nets around all homes (small % of GDP). UK now 'Worm Nation' but at least there's no birds indoors, just terrifying flightless birds wandering about biting nipples off (decoy nipples: pepperoni slices). Owen left bird trapped overnight, next morning he tries the hatch (Henry can't picture the "weird space") and bird let out. Owen braces whilst Lemar (pop star) shoos the bird out of a Velux window.
¶ Jingles
- 05:33 - Digestive Tract Talk
¶ Notable Quotes
- "You never go arse-first into battle, do you?"
- "If your mouth was the Titanic [that tooth] would be one of the guys down in the engine room"
- "Front teeth are like: “I’m actually more interested in the silence between the notes at the moment"
- "If you have to draw a picture of a kidney, the next day, it doesn’t necessarily engender the same degree of terror as a guerrilla army coming at you from the scrublands"
- "A horrible kaleidoscopic staircase into a kind of MC Escher world of thought horror"
- "You’re up! You’ve got a boner! You’re ready for the day!"
- "Freshly voided, rock-solid, ready to go"
- "Sleep is a zero-sum game"
- "I’m a sleep black hole"
- "To be a subconscious arsehole, is that the worst kind of arsehole?"
- "Not only is it keeping me awake, it’s also reminding me of the animalistic nature of mankind"
- "A two-headed human baby in a jar?"
- "You’re in Thailand, you have a Pina Colada in one hand and a live crab in the other"
- "[Sperbs] waits, lulls you into a false sense of security, then deploys an email straight to your subconscious"
- "He’s a playing three-dimensional chess, but all the pieces are glass so you can’t see them"
- "A flipping massive seagull with nothing but hate in its eyes"