¶ Opening Chat
Almond (Al-mond, all-mond, ul-mond?) pronunciation chat. Also Cashew, Walnut and Macadamia. Macadamia awareness is low. “Hey Macadamia” song.
No-one knows what it looks like; email in if you know – but no macadamia bullsh*t!
Colour: beige/cream?
Shape: round with a flat side (like a watermelon or a birthday cake)?
Size: a shrunken golf ball.
Could you pick it our of a line up?
Hard to define (shiny/chalky, smooth/rough, solid/paste). It exists in an impossible state. Macadamia technology will be responsible for the first flight to Uranus.
¶ Topic Chat
This is Three Bean Salad. Don’t force a Pompidou section!
Submarines are a fertile ground for myths, e.g., don’t be on the bog when you’re surfacing. Do you get trapped? Liquid spurts in? You get sucked out? Turds get the bends?.
How do submariners relate to seamen? Seamen are men who love the sea. Submariners are men stuck in a tube.
Are they happy or unhappy about this? They don’t love the sea, just tubes. They are failed train drivers. They are that kid that stayed in the tube on the playground at breaktime. They don’t love the sea.
A submarine is the only place on Earth that you can’t see the sea, or smell it. Can only smell human guffs (the opposite of fresh air). They have a special guy to do the muffled pings.
Would you be a good submariner?
Ben has a low tolerance to guffs so, no. Is there a way to prepare for the guff tube? Is it a case of ‘the less flatulence the better’ or do you lean into it?
Use guff testing to allocate to areas of the Navy, e.g. if you follow through you go into the marines.
Does guff effect buoyancy?
The guff rack (a human xylophone). The General is a disgraced conductor. It’s a lethal game of arse bugle roulette against the Russians.
Submarine movies and the shame of not seeing Das Boot (Ben and Henry). The Hunt for Red October.
You can’t make a good submarine film because characters can only walk in 2 directions. This is why crabs and worms aren’t leading men.
Movie idea of a submarine version of Herbie where a submarine has to get down the M4 and organise a birthday party. Discussion about where the face would be. Periscope side kick? Other characters (grumpy trawler/sleek Boston Whaler/cheeky canoes) and they buy a zoo. The film will be called “Out of Their Depth”.
Submarines are giant metal penises that fire tiny metal penises.
Chat about the “dogsh*t” submarines of WW1. Mike wants to go on a leisure submarine, but will be waiting for the first crack of the windscreen before being crushed to death. It's Redbeard’s treasure/curse - all because of a seaworthy Renault Megane.
¶ Emails
Had some suggestions for topics. More emails about flightless birds. The rhea is still dangerous but not AS dangerous as a cassowary.
Tanks are more dangerous than sharks, but you should still be wary of sharks.
The Leah: when a rhea mates with a leopard.
Jennifer Ackerman sends an image (shared via Zoom link to The Beans) containing a new entry into the flightless bird league table – secretary birds! The Beans agree that this bird looks like the girl in an 80s film that has a makeover. New girl in the office, plain Susan. Henry role plays this using the voice of a Baptist preacher. Stomped to death by a sexy high heel.
What is the link between being flightless and the sexy leg? If you can’t fly, you need to run! A dachshund is an adorable monster. The Beans hope that no-one relies on them for their ornithology A-level.
Will Beezer emails to say he hasn’t been attacked by a rhea but has by a swan at Slimbridge Wetlands Centre. His nan who protected him against 5-8 swans. Henry takes a nice story, slags off his anecdote technique, and hypothesises that his nan died in a flaming ball of swans. Ben also has a memory of this wetlands centre (sitting on big eggs in a fake swan house). Henry would have pitched a Blade Runner meet swan experience ride and blown the budget. Fast forward 18 months and there are huge queues around the block... But for the egg sitting! The Blade Runner experience has rusted in an hour. Henry receives a cease and desist letter from Ridley Scott. The final insult: Ridley Scott sitting on the egg. It's made into a flim staring Russell Crowe with a CG egg (never been done!). They will use the set of the Blade Runner experience, but only to burn for energy for the catering truck.
¶ Notable Quotes
- I wouldn’t be surprised if macadamia technology ends up being in the cockpit of the first manned flight to Uranus.
- Get on it, boffins!
- Guffs. Men. Hatches. And Torpedoes.
- They have a special guy for that, to do the muffled pings.
- Join the Navy. Get in a Guff Rack.
- A giant metal penis that fires explosive metal penises. It’s the most phallocentric piece of weaponry ever conceived.
- Put it this way, when you’re being attacked by a shark, you’re not thinking: thank God this isn’t a tank, do you know what I mean?
- This is Olivia Newton John at the end of Grease, but in bird form.
- Step into my limousine helicopter, lady!
- I got a pink champagne jacuzzi, you'll feel the bubbles of the pink champagne going up in your crack.
- Eat this, you Queen’s bitch!
- I’m investing everything into the film of The Sitting on the Swan Egg Experience.