¶ Opening Chat
- Pre-opening dedication to "the utterly perfect Lola Kohler".
- New series resolutions: Henry went to see a personal trainer a couple of days ago.
- Henry's Beefcake Journey (first new jingle of the series)
- The PT suggested "longevity" was the reason, pricking Henry's bubble.
- Henry will become either a terrifying beast or Jason Statham.
- Henry finds the gym environment weird (despite being an exercise guy via football, running, cycling & yoga). Mike has always hated gyms.
- Henry has no strength because he's never picked up anything (but do we need to be strong? because robots?).
- Everyone is beefy now (well, men in their 20s are).
- Measurables needed, e.g. how much Henry is benching. Bench = with Henry's name on, outside his local Pret.
- The Schwarzenegger joke: "I've put out my back." / asking the PT for his clothes, boots and motorcycle.
- PT's before and after pics are weird cos he doesn't currently look as good as his 'after'.
- Henry was possibly IRL catfished.
- Tour of young-skewing gym with a DJ in. Not for Henry – he's going to the gym on the top of the cliff at Eastbourne where they give you a blanket and a watercolour kit. Or a hot basement.
- Henry didn't choose a certain PT because he looked like a Chechen warlord in hiding in London.
- Henry's PT, The Beefmaster (debeefed since his photo was taken) tried to trap Henry into a subscription model (3 months at once a week) with twitchy body language of desperation (climbed onto ceiling and stared down with dagger between his teeth): "I need this" energy.
- Henry has signed up for 4 meetings with The Beefmaster – got a speech about committment and goals.
- You don't just buy 12 of something before buying it (that's why Henry tries the raw eggs in the supermarket).
¶ Topic Chat
- Oi Oi! Beer chants, every day is beer day (bin day?).
- Henry declares that beer is massive at the moment, as opposed to the Medieval period when children drank it. Beer is on the up / wine is on the down. French wine producers discarding wine or rebranding it.
- Ben's partner signed up for free trial of Beer 52 three years ago and hasn't cancelled despite meaning to. Sample beers in the box: coriander and apricot porter, plum stout at 67% ABV, lychees and lasagne lager.
- Craft beer business is always two middle-aged men made redundant from insurance, big payout and then before the beer has hit the shelves, they've gone out of business. Got to shift their 200,000 cans of blackberry milkshake beer – repackage as a cleaning fluid sold to primary schools to clean the hall.
- Wine bottle label used to be (a) nice B&W chateau, (b) crab playing a banjo, (c) old font that you need to look closely at ("this was collected from bar floors in Derby").
- Ben likes a lager (he's only flesh and blood) but wonders if there's any difference between the lagers. If it's served cold enough, it doesn't matter. Lager is all the same; the difference is in the branding.
- Moretti = rural Italy, dinner on the village square, children playing, cat with one eye, burgeoning fascist movement.
- Peroni = metropolitan streets of Milan, Armani suit, tight squeaky leather shoes on sockless feet, sexy, youthful and sleek, ripping tight trousers.
- Kronenbourg 1664 = harking back to medieval past. Founded by Geronimus Hatt in 1664 in Straßburg. Heritage element.
- American lagers (Coors/Bud) = drinking and driving, shooting a sign as he drives past, coolbox on passenger seat and a big dog next to it.
- Being able to know the associations with each beer as a teenager: "you're not a Fosters guy, are you?". Stella had associations too. Grolsch was good cos it had a flicky little top (a toy).
- Grolsch as product placement in the 90s in "Sliding Doors" (Henry's "Sliding Doors" gag goes wrong cos he mixes up Andie MacDowell and Gwyneth Paltrow – Andie MacDowell could have been though (her sliding doors moment) – Mike makes "Groundhog Day" gag – good stuff). John Hannah exclaims "Grolsch!" upon climax/flicks the top off the end of his willy/looks at a can of Skol to make him last longer (Ben is disgusted by this chat).
- Skol/Scholl mix-up (fermented plasters).
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Paul has listened in the car at the top of Mount Evans in Colorado (beating Mount Fuji from last series). He drove up the US's highest road. Henry was wowed by the free bus in Colorado (like the one that goes to Ben's local Asda). Mike astounds the others with the 'fact' that Denver airport is the HQ for the Illuminati (1001 conspiracies about subterranean world beneath, all linked with free transport). Henry wants to clear up where they're measuring the height from (e.g. centre of the Earth, cos the ground can be different heights or the height down from orbit) – sea-level "on each side". Mount Evans is not the first Mount Ev... (Mount Everest is, not Mount Evian). Mount Evans is 4,348 metres (straight up, as the crow walks (not up a spiral like peeling an orange)) but does the paved road go right to the top? Paul is the winner in highest altitude, non-peregrinatory climbage.
- Joe shares a photo with the Beans – he has a look of grim determination in it – a level of fury is needed to listen to the Beans at high altitude as a motivator. Their banter becomes hotter and less dense at altitude (might evaporate and form a banter cloud). Joe is in Chamonix in the Alps (3,777 meteres: higher than Mount Fuji by 1 metre – a Bonjamin move). Joe is not a winner in any category.
- Will and Erin from last series still win because they ambulated/peregrinated themselves up Mount Fuji and didn't use a car or cable car.
- Henry wonders if the whole competition should allow for what level they live their average day (e.g. 3 or 4 floors below sea level). Henry wants everyone to start at the same point, like in a race. Averaging out over the month, at neap tide.
- Henry has a 70s idea (not funding a right-wing militia): people listening in front of world monuments (e.g. Taj Mahal, the back of the Taj Mahal, the service entrance of the Taj Mahal).
- Alex found some Robert Ludlum book titles while searching for books made into movies (he created the character Jason Bourne). There follows a dramatic reading of the titles of novels by Robert Ludlum: "The Scarlatti Inheritance", "The Osterman Weekend" (a bad holiday, never should have gone to France with the Ostermans when we'd only met them twice but John Osterman flashes his smile...), "The Gemini Contenders", "The Rhinemann Exchange", "The Holcroft Covenant", "The Aquataine Progression", "The Scorpio Illusion", "The Paris Option" (should have gone for that option instead of the Osterman weekend, great little hotel with a bistro next door), "The Bancroft Strategy" (least successful business self-help book: the wisdom of banking and crofting combined). These are Mike's reading list for the year. Henry tries to make a new Ludlum book title: "The Antonia Basket" (not "The Janine Sneezeguard") – Ludlum might have to write that one under a different pen name.
- Rowan emails with a horrifying illustration of the Bean Machine (shared at https://x.com/beansaladpod/status/1699367108017045607?s=20).
¶ Jingles
- 1:17 – Henry's Beefcake Journey (new!)
- 14:52 – Jez's versions of the Bean Machine jingle (created by AI) – Henry makes "AI tool" joke about Mark Zuckerberg – one is inspirational (Henry was emotionally connected to it), one is misc. rock like Mike's teenage band would have covered (one chord, Teutonic) – Henry and Ben want to explore the rich chat seam of Mike's band and its members: Mick Hucknall, Carlos Santana and Phil Collins
- 26:11 – Emails
- 43:01 – Listener Bollocking of the Week
- 45:25 – Patreon
¶ Bollockings
- Chris's Proxy Bollocking – he was asked to provide a Fun Fact during a work meeting so looked to the Beans "Loch Ness Monster" ep for help. The facts from that ep were: Lake Ohrid is NOT the deepest lake in Europe, Lake Ohrid does NOT contain Europe's oldest trout and Loch Ness does have a bottom. Unsatisfactory facts so he went with 'ants don't sleep' – also not true. Bollocking by proxy because Chris was bollocked by colleagues for the crap facts. Bollocking accepted!
¶ Notable Quotes
- This podcast is about positivity, isn't it? / Is it?
- Why are YOU doing this?
- Why are you doing THIS?
- Do you just want to be a terrifying beast?
- Cholesterol's just a number, right?
- The kind of bench I'm interested in is the one that's going to have my name on it pretty soon.
- "He loved this spot."
- After is not the end.
- There's going to be a national beef collapse.
- A huge Pyramid Scheme going all the way to Schwarzenegger at the top.
- I could beef my way out of podcasting and into self-help YouTubing.
- Hucknall, I'm going to say it now because I'm leaving: You're a prick.
- Hey [The Beefmaster], what are my goals? Getting a six-pack? Of beer!
- It's massive at the moment, isn't it, beer?
- It's just a glass of cold.
- There's no such thing as a free bus though, is there?
- He'll have condensation anecdotes dripping off him.
- The category of Highest Altitude Under Self-Peregrination While Listening to the Podcast.
- We never should have gone to France with the Ostermans.
- You'll be lending people money from a tiny hut in the Highlands.
- It's September, the spring of autumn.
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- The Beans plug the new edition to the Patreon that is the live show at Machynlleth's audio, featuring how to milk a sheep and Henry's new crab-based feature (no live crabs are involved) soon to be seen at the upcoming London shows x3.
- Skulls with Candles in their Eyes Jumble Sale (20 patrons)
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Seventh submission from Conor which should please Henry because this theme has vocals and baritone sax but it excludes the usual dull bastard guitar factor.
- 50:39 theme starts, 51:33 Conor: "I lied" – Henry: "you bastard! oh no!". Ends with another "you bastard!" from Henry.