¶ Opening Chat
- The latest from Henry's Beefcake Journey: emails, cos it's all about the correspondence.
- The Spartans didn't have email, but they were hench.
- Email from The Beefmaster: the first session is booked ("that guy is so booked") but The Beefmaster has to see The Consultant (the trainer's trainer? The Beef Bishop? Queen Beef?).
- Henry's going to be away for two weeks: seeing "Oppenheimer" with his dad then going to France.
- How do the Schwarzeneggers do it? How does Mark Wahlberg do it (by getting up at 2 a.m., but does he go to bed at 5 p.m.? Screams himself to sleep on a rowing machine?). While sleeping on top half, his pelvis and below is exercising all night. A reverse epidural: an upidural. He takes an injection the size of Bob Hoskins that contains sedatives + the lines for tomorrow. He's in adrenal panic mode all night, in permanent fight or flight. He can't enjoy a candlelit dinner without smashing up the restaurant. Expensive, because of the perma-treadmill below his chair.
- Henry is bargaining in his head: a week in the sausage world of France puts him further behind.
- He's working on his emotional beef by seeing a film with his father. Henry cancelling on his father would make Ben sad, so Henry has to cancel on The Beefmaster instead. Or, invite him to "Oppenheimer" as a mother substitute.
- Henry's dad insists he wants to see Oppenheimer in 70 mm but rather than being a cineaste, he's just a massive fan of nuclear war.
- Henry has already seen "Barbie" – that's the side of the Barbenheimer toast his butter's going on. Neither Ben nor Mike have seen either of them. Mike is still exicited about seeing "Ghostbusters 2" (don't get your hopes up, Mike).
- Henry's dad wants him to watch a documentary about Oppenheimer before seeing the film but Henry's not boning up beforehand: "Oppenheimer" IS the boning! Both potential dates (The Beefmaster and Henry's dad) have admin attached. Mike reckons Henry's dad doesn't really expect Henry to watch the documentary, but of course his brothers will have done (his true sons) except they're not available to go see a film during the day, because of their actual jobs. Henry is 'Freddo' (Fredo) in "The Godfather" in this scenario, so he'll be shot in a boat on the ponds at Hampstead Heath, or a boat in the middle of the cinema at "Oppenheimer".
- Henry will do "Oppenheimer", for the padres.
- Henry is going to do a radio first: cancelling the session with The Beefmaster live. He types up the email and we hear the real sound of keyboard clattering. A live lie. Deep sighs from Henry. Not the "Rocky" montage he was imagining. No using hanging cows as punching bags. Ben suggests Henry invite The Beefmaster to watch "Tenet" together. None of the Beans has seen "Tenet" because it sounded "fearsomely hard work".
- Christopher Nolan has found, in "Oppenheimer", a subject-matter as boring as his style of film-making. Brilliantly lit by Herbert Nancaster (a 95-year-old Cockney who worked on ET) who only uses naked flames or hill beacons. Nolan is really good at mansplaining. A film using only ponies and oils, no cameras. Steven Rancandle, 117-year-old Cockney who worked on the Ealing comedies, he invented the steam-powered microphone (didn't work). The pony walks through paint and clippity-clops the story onto the viewer's body.
- What was "Tenet" about? No one knows, even the people in it. Nolan tried again because he regretted that "Interstellar" wasn't a palindrome. Lots of shots of Michael Caine going backwards. Henry then forgets Michael Caine's name: Michael...Palin? Sheen? Douglas? Johnson? Parkinson? Henry might have been watching "Batman" backwards (DVD was in the wrong case): The Amazing Tale of Benjamin Batmon (the sort of film an AI would write).
- Henry suggests he write to The Beefmaster that he's away visiting an international crunches convention. Mike reminds him that The Beefmaster will be at that convention and might suggest they meet.
¶ Topic Chat
- Henry's fashion song "Shake it, move it, groovy move it. Ooh, smooth. Mmm, tight".
- Start with today's fashion. Ben = a T shirt only ever worn in bed (Lisbon tram from his sister's holiday) and below that some sleeping shorts (just covering the top of the Bean Machine) with bees on.
- Bed fashion: Ben's girlfriend bought him silky tiger pyjamas like Tony Montana might wear (not Tony Soprano or Hannah Montana's dad) and he wore them around his local area (to move the drop-top Saab, which they would go lovely with).
- The Saab went in for its MOT and multiple 100s of £ later, it's back on the road (a lot of that went on the silk pyjamas from Kwik Fit's impulse buy section).
- Ben has an array of pyjamas (silky ones for the heat), including tweedy old man M&S reading the paper PJs. Henry wonders why they need a pocket: keys to the safe.
- Mike can't get on board with pyjamas. A nude sleeper.
- Henry wears what Marylin Monroe famously wore: JFK ('s corpse or oldest living Kennedy family member).
- Henry wears the pants du jour / Ben wears the pants of tomorrow.
- Ben's routine: 1 a.m. bath listening to the World Service, then fresh pants, then pyjamas, then clothes for the next day, breaking in tomorrow's pants in advance. Ben is dressed up in layers in bed, so he may receive a dignitary at a moment's notice. Ready for the SWAT team, can offer a cup of tea from the teasmade and a lasagne always cooking.
- Mike assumed pyjamas were a pantsless item (unless a mistake or a medical need, e.g. some sort of pad). Ben seeps... kindness.
- Pants under swimming trunks – trendy for young people to show off the brand. Mike saw something similar: 3 young men tried to go swimming wearing just pants and they were sent away with a flea in their ear, Mike was thrilled ("good!").
- Henry's 9-year-old Christmas present: some bawdy, ribald boxer shorts from his mum with cartoons of rhinos having sex (with cows?), Attenborough documentary style, with writing: "Feeling horny". Panic in the household.
- Ben is interested to hear from people re whether he is a complete freak for wearing underpants in bed.
- Ben's Christmas pyjamas: otter with a Christmas hat on (Fashion! New York! London! Milan! Move it! Groove it, baby!)
- Henry compares Mike sleeping nude to rolling around in a huge bit of toilet paper. The old birthday suit. Worries that the dog will bite your dick off in the dead of night. The cartoon snack of any dog. Mike would still love Pam if that happened.
- Ben likes to feel that 'the chaps' are tied down. Would have to sellotape them to his lower thorax. Henry's motorbike metaphor – need to throw a tarp over it. No one's ever stolen the Harley though. But it is rusting. And the hubcaps have gone.
- Ben thinks Henry has the best sense of dress, but not today (Boris Johnson on holiday shirt: bright green). Mike always looks good, but despite what he's wearing. T-shirt and muddy cargo shorts (pockets useful for poo bags and dog treats). Utility, pure function, practicality, no aesthetic component. Mike's favoured shoe discovered 10 years ago and bought enough to last for life. Look a bit like a leather pastie but he's not going for a leather pastie look. Lurid flipflops like mini 80s jet skis – good inch around the toe area to prevent stubs.
- Henry is fascinated by people's choices around fashion, but Mike makes no aesthetic choices. Mike's usual big flowing, bright white leather kaftan. Mike is projecting meaning, e.g. 1980s jet skis, onto others despite not meaning to do so.
- Mike remembers Henry watching him in a play and after, when Mike came out, Henry admonished him because he was wearing a Dallas Cowboys T shirt (wearing only because his BIL was getting rid of it and it fit) despite it having nothing to do with him. Mike is not in control of his signifiers. Spinning a roulette wheel and a Piet Mondrian painting comes out.
- Henry can see a circumstance where, if it was a windy day, Mike might choose to wear a sandwich board if it was the most practical solution. Even a neutral wardobe is making a decision. Mike's football world cup T shirt is deep arbitrary. He also has a NASA one from Connecticut (at least has a connection there). Mike's current work suit for gigs etc was an immense relief when he found it in M&S.
- If Mike died in some sort of maceration followed by incineration (the DNA would just be in the shape of a question mark) at the Nutella factory, but the T shirt was fine, the T shirt records would be no help (NASA? Dallas Cowboys?). Or identified from footwear records, they would assume he was in Baywatch. There's no actual information about Mike.
- Ben's favourite is Mike's Triple Whitney T shirt (Henry wrote this down in his notepad along with flute, footwear, 11:50, socks – this is what Henry does when Ben is speaking, along with his tax return). Mike shows 'The Whitney' to the others: near the end of its life (has a hole in the middle of the centre of the back) so is now a sports T shirt. Bought for him by a family member despite Mike not really listening to Whitney. Anything properly random (like Mike's fashion or the Bean Machine) is disturbing or unholy. Very brief period where the Whitney T shirt felt cool – like a stopped clock.
- Henry admits that Mike is such a tremendous-looking person (his shoulder blades are coming out of the back of his T shirt), that clothes are just gilding the lily.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- From Rose in relation to the theological correction, which resurfaced a fond childhood memory: her dad (a vicar), at a fayre, stubbed his toe and loudly exclaimed: "Bollocks!" – his CNS needed that sweet release. Vicars should be training themselves to come out with a more theological phrase, e.g. "Lot's Wife!"
¶ Jingles
- 0:16 Henry's Beefcake Journey
- 19:48 Bean Machine
- 24:08 Pam
- 44:33 E-mails
- 45:30 Listener Bollocking of the Week
- 48:24 The Regal Zone
- 50:13 AND 50:48 Reflecto-Bollock
- 50:56 Bollocking Accepted
- 52:31 Patreon
¶ Bollockings
- Dan is a serving Metropolitan police officer, but is this an above-board bollocking or a 'turn off the camera in Interview Room 6/he fell down the stairs m'lud' bollocking? Formal caution for Mike. Mike feels he's out of the Met's jurisdiction cos he married the local sheriff's daughter – it's Onion Justice in Exeter (if the onions tumble, you're a witch). The bollard-shaped tall hat – officers do wear these when on foot patrol but not in a car (cos it would stick out the sunrooof). King Charles HAS to shit in their hat. Mike will risk the ire of the Met and reflecto-bollock: the nature of it is that Mike thinks it's a tissue of lies (he doesn't really think that, he's just poking the bear) and also he's not in the right jurisdiction. Mike needs to check how many beheaded crows there are on his doorstep. Ben is under the purview of South Wales Police (or Dyfed-Powys Police or Gwent Police) so he also reflectos but Henry kowtows to the man and accepts the bollocking.
¶ Notable Quotes
- The world's first correspondence fitness course.
- Queen LaBeefa.
- Father–son time: I remember the first time I went to see Oppenheimer with my father.
- People are walking around with a great six-pack but how's their emotional six-pack?
- There's a new mother in town, and it's The Beefmaster.
- It's still "Kramer versus Kramer" isn't it, in Exeter?
- Oppenheimer is the boning.
- "I'm really sorry, but..." Dammit. I hate having to write that all the time and say it to people all the time.
- Just admit that your father is taking you to the cinema, after which your mother is going to take you and a friend swimming.
- We've all got a timing belt that we wear around our midriffs, don't we, in a way?
- Just spooing a vizsla, as nature intended.
- You will never leave the house wearing unsoiled pants, ever. That's the Bonjamin guarantee.
- It takes all sorts, doesn't it: your normals and your freaks.
- Why is it, darling, that our normal bedsheets always end up with a leopard-print design?
- I have more need for Pam in my life than I have for that.
- If you're storing a motorbike, you put a tarpaulin over it.
- I've been completely Nutella'ed. I could go in a jar.
- All we know is, he was high up in NASA... and possibly the Dallas Cowboys.
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Fresh and breezy vibe with a tang of jeopardy at the Annual Visit from the Charity Dentist (36 patrons).
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- James from Manchester in the style of an 80s movie prom moment of triumph. St Fava Beans Academy: Henrietta Paker, captian of the cheer squad and Bonjamin, vice-captain of the football team by the punch bowl. Mike as football team captian with a mysterious beauty: Plain Susan? Probably has Emilio Estevez in it. Henry confused by this being a universe where the most sexually desirable people are flightless birds.