¶ Opening Chat
The Origin Story of the Three Bean Salad podcast! Maybe it started out as chat before writing sessions, involving Ben under a floor in a favela and with reference to the Millenium Falcon (a chat offshoot describes Henry's sad tale of his mother stepping on the cockpit). Ben makes quips, 'Humour!' But is excused as it is 27 degrees.
Ben has a thermometer which measures the age of his internal organs - it hits 70! Ben makes a bald joke about Henry and, again, blames the heat. Henry uses Ben's shiny face as his humidity gauge, whereas Henry himself has a matt finish like a too-perfect ham. (He would end up dating Conchita and visiting Ham Towers.) Mike's complexion looks 'Forgot-the-suncream-pink.' As he is genetically Polish and Welsh he often resembles 'slapped-up rhubarb.'
So how did the podcast begin? Henry suggested they do their small talk after recording the podcast and then make a podcast of that so they can be their true selves: Ben - MegaJock, Mike - Southern Belle, Henry - Ibiza techno-dub DJ Henzone! (DJ and egg chef)
The Mythology of Three Bean Salad: It started at the National Theatre where Mike was playing Hamlet, Henry was Macbeth and Ben, King Lear in the ultimate Shakespearean mash-up for GCSE students: King HamBeth! But crossing into other subjects became unwieldy.
Henry still sees opportunities for other chat windows but a lot of it might just be Mike and Ben waiting for him to appear to record the pod instead of pissing/ making coffee/ basting a duck.
¶ Topic Chat
Orange rhymes with lozenge, syringe and Blorenge - a hill near Abergavenny. Mike has always driven past the Blorenge but wants to stop and take time in future, instead of just rushing on to Crickhowell.
'Life is not a rehearsal - but if it is, it's the Dress Tech.'
Ben will be going past The Blorenge tomorrow to meet a Californian friend in Hay on Wye. But he feels that Wales can't compete with California. Where is Wallywood? Can Wales compete with redwoods and bears? It has dragons...
Ben's other friend is off to London. Ben wants to go to see ABBA Voyage after the live shows (where Henry predicts he will be dressing up as a nutbar....)
Ben wonders if it is ok to go on your own though? Henry feels Ben should go with the 'Best Friend' character from a TV show. Apparently Alastair Campbell has been 6 times.
Ben is going to see Operation Mincemeat, the London Aquarium and The Shrek Experience. Shrek the Musical has had to be cancelled because of spongy concrete. The UK must be heading for a recession now that Shrek has been cancelled. The Blorenge is now our top tourist attraction.
Henry's Plum(s) Anecdote where he 'popped' to the front of the queue before realising he had shoved in in front of Sophie Ellis-Bextor and her children. 'I had two plums in my hand, what would you do in that situation?'
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
A Geographical theme.
Ari writes in having been on Jewish sleepaway camp up Mount Evans in 2012, with a romantic partner, then retruned with her to London to watch the Olympics.'If you've banged on a mountain, do email in.'
George writes to tell the Beans that he may be the Highest Listener with a bid for having listened to the pod at Tanglang La, 5,328m. 'Great Courage and Will of Steel is the Norm.'
Phil listened to the jingle at Everest Base Camp at 5,364m, so pipping George by 36m.
David was the listener that Henry had previously told him to go to a remote place and f**k himself. So David and his father had travelled to Longyearbyen, on the archipelago of Svalbard and Pyramiden, claiming the Most Northerly Listening To of Three Bean Salad.
But Jaz the Polar Scientist also writes in having visited Ny-Alesund, Svalbard. It is unclear whether David or Jaz was further north.
All this travel talk makes Ben feel he is wasting his life. Henry explains it is the curse of the artist not to partake in life - 'I wouldn't describe this as art Henry' looped.
¶ Jingles
27:35 Bean Machine
46:30 London jingle
49:05 Email jingle
59.00 Patreon
¶ Notable Quotes
The mythos behind Three Bean Salad podcast, is…
I’m on lecture mode, Ben.
“It was very similar to that scene in Star Wars where they’re hiding under the floor of the Millennium Falcon, but everything’s made of wicker.”
Ben: “But it’s possible that you’re mixing up a favela, and the inside of a conservatory in Surrey.”
Henry: “That’s possible as well, yeah. That’s another thing I haven’t got a strong mental picture of, so again I’ll be going with the Millennium Falcon, but this time it’s made of glass.”
Humour, humour, humour!
I think we can call off - I think we can say that was Three Bean Salad podcast - see you next week!
“68! Fucking hell you’re going to die on air! You’re going to die before we hit the email section!”
“69! 70! We didn’t even have time to make a 69 joke! We didn’t even have time! It’s 70 already!”
Has he got any Latin inscriptions on his face? We should check!
Henry: “I have quite a matte finish, weirdly…”
Mike: “I don’t know how you’ve achieved, that.”
Henry: “It might be a setting on my Mac.”
Light isn't going in or escaping my face, it would seem. It's like looking at a map of a bit of the universe that hasn't been discovered or something... you know, there's no data...
“This has taken 10 years off my dating profile age! Susan, I’m leaving you!”
El Trustio Del Ham
Doing honour based sister reparation work
Slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap
You’re trapped in a ham loop
It’s the “save blushes” setting
Mike’s complexion … Mike’s looking quite pink!
Genetically, technically speaking, I’m a build of Polish and Welsh, so I mean my suitability for the sun is absolute zero, zero. Can’t cope with it at all. I come out of it looking like a slapped up rhubarb, basically.
It’s a shame we’ll never see bronzed Beans.
I think I must have Pale Turk Lineage.
Ben: “…then I made an absolute podcast killing little quip. I’m sorry maybe I won’t say anything else for the rest of the episode.”
Henry: “Yeah I think that’s probably safest, isn’t it?”
Henry: “It was a chat strand within a chat tendril that was an offshoot from a chat sidegrowth, to be honest.”
Ben: “But what’s the trunk of this plant?”
“It’s not Ben’s fault, his internal humidity is up to 98% now.”
You’re even doing the Dad joke wrong…
It’s the L shaped sitting room of space, isn’t it, basically?
And in keeping with the Star Wars mythology- no cupboards, and no toilets.
My Mum stood on the Millennium Falcon, permanently breaking off its cockpit.
It's Galacto-Tape, Henry!
Mike: "Henry... If you're truthful with yourself. Were you playing with your Millenium Falcon in a silly place?"
Ben: "Ah, Dad!"
Your Gap Hemi-Decade ?
Henzone
That's right, welcome, to the Henzone!
DJ and Egg Chef?
The Merry Wives of King HamBeth and his Daughters, Gawain and The Green Knight, The Great Gatsby and Nicholas Nickleby.
We’re doing our London Podcast Festival shows…I think this episode’s is going out after we’ve done them. So thanks for coming - what a good time we all had!
BEAN MACHINE (27:29)
Which
Mike: “Have you mounted the Blorange?”
Ben: “I’ve never mounted the Blorange, I don’t think. Nor have I climbed it!”
That’s a joke about someone trying to have sex with a hill.
I’ve just got to stop and take time sometimes, guys!
Life is not a rehearsal, I can’t stress that enough.
Where’s the Welsh version of Hollywood, where is Wallywood?
Where’s the Wallywood sign?
Sorry Henry, you can't say "dress up as a nut bar" because a nut bar isn't a thing...
"Cheer up and buck up, alright?"
"Don't worry love, I've got a handful of panchetta in my handbag."
She's got a bum bag but she wears it as a handbag, because she's just a little bit zany.
I think it'll be a vegan option, frankly. I think it might be Skittles.
Because that's what I say, often a lot of these parts are under written.
"I love that Welsh guy. It's so hard to believe he's actually 69. Internally."
"But Mike, you're literally not seeing Abba."
We're a nation on its arse. The Blorange is now our top tourist attraction.
Henry: "I do have a short plum anecdote. Or should I say a short plums anecdote."
Mike: "Ben looks like his blood has turned cold."
Henry: "So it's a very quick anecdote...."
Mike: "You've said that before, Henry, there's a trust, problem, now..."
It's a punnet of plums anecdote.
The Saga of Ye Field of Plum Trees
He popped into a grocery store to buy a couple of plums
Henry: "...they tend to gas on a lot."
Ben: "Oh, awful."
Mike: "God, imagine!"
There's plums on the dance floor, you better not jump in the queue...
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
Omelette Rodeo
¶ Listener Theme Tune
Jaz the Polar Scientist sends in an atmospheric theme tune played on possibly the world's Most Northerly Piano. The style is 2000s Pop Classical Piano eg Ludovico Einaudi
PS A Provincial Dad story from Emily the Polar Scientist whose dad had driven the family to the Emptiest Square on the OS Map! A formative experience.