¶ Opening Chat
- Henry's Beefcake Journey update: he's had a session (mainly admin).
- The Beefmaster was 10 minutes late – had he been 'boy cried wolf'ed?
- Beefmaster stars online worked out by the coroner after Henry's death re longevity.
- Ben noticed Henry looked 'absolutely massive', only from the ankles down though. Meaty foundations.
- To get to the gym sub-basement, need to go through liminal plastic tubes (up/down) from the world of the shrimps. Pods scan for beef potential.
- After scanning, may be spat back into the knowledge zone, e.g. the Tate gallery or National Portrait Gallery (can't take your protein nut mix in).
- Henry is initiated in the ways of being late so can spot this in others. Bulletproof excuse: say you're in France but you could be 'Boy who cried France'd.
- Not a good excuse: "I'm having lunch with Brian". Brians: May, De Palma, Blessed, Boru (ancient king of Ireland).
- The Beefmaster's version of "I'm in France" is cutting off the top of his finger.
- It's well-known that Henry is often late with coffee, pastries and watercolours of Rennes cathedral (with today's newspaper in them).
- Mike would prefer a PT to have done 6hrs of exercise before he gets there and be slapping the guy before on the buttocks, talcing his arse, creating a paste that he scoops off and rubs into Henry's thighs: a protein poultice.
- The gym is all stairways and caverns; a dark, strange world.
- Henry has great scaffolding, he just needs some meat hanging off it, but in the real world, you very rarely see this. Lamb hanging off and crowpocalypse or crownado around it. Chris Packham tweeting about killing all the crows with a flamethrower from the Imperial War Museum.
- Henry had been moving the mechanism, an empty metal tube. He learned a technique: say "it was actually quite hard" instead of "it was fine" – he's hacked the system.
- One exercise: just stepping up and down on a plastic box (Beefmaster needed to take a phonecall). Meanwhile, a guy on acrobatic rings doing balletic stuff right next to Henry so he looked like he was at the first stage of recovery after a very long and serious illness (the illness we call life). If Henry had looked at the guy, like Perseus with Medusa, his beef would have turned to dust.
- Another exercise: standing on a wobbly thing.
- Henry and The Beefmaster are already at room temperature – TB turns up late and HP doesn't put much effort in.
¶ Topic Chat
- Henry did all the science GCSEs (including alchemy, astrology, knowledge of the winds, necromancy, water divination, juggling (the origins of particle science) and magnets).
- Henry very nearly did RE GCSE – the choice between science and God. Had sleepless nights over it.
- Two paths: Paker Pope or Paker Packham (Packham is basically David Bellamy).
- The beard is the labcoat of the biologist.
- Henry did Theory of Baboons, Mike did Practical Geese (how he got the scars), Ben studied gibbons through the lens of RE (what's their spiritual life?).
- Ben did both RE and Biology (he is the destroyer of worlds) and that's why he's the only one who can harbour the Bean Machine (the sacred and the profane). Da Vinci's (Vinci? Like calling Ben Cardiff) sketches for the Bean Machine (the Vetruvian Bean) done during the Renaissance (the peak of both scientific and artistic achievement).
- Moses taught Henry Biology (parting the wetland centres and driving a Mondeo down the middle). Taught cortex and pith (not the folk duo: Bobby Cortex and Stevie Pith) and Henry thought: I've made the wrong choice. Cannot buy a Popemobile if you've just done biology (only a Fiat Panda).
- Henry asked to change from Biology to RE (complicated running a school: timetabling, schedules). Need to work out who to thank: God? (that's your coursework right there).
- Moses: stick turned into a snake or snake turned into a stick?
- Ten minutes into first RE lesson, Henry realises: I've got to do Biology (it IS about cells and membranes). Mike has immense empathy with Henry's parents, the school, his brothers...
- The school transfers Henry into a different segment of the schedule because he had been blacklisted by Biology Teacher #1 (new teacher did look a lot like the janitor's Alsatian).
- New teacher was Dr Custance (of the gonads debacle).
- Henry ended up doing Biology, Physics and Chemistry and so did Mike and Ben did 'double science' to get two GCSEs. Each of the disciplines has a different take on what a particle is. All Biology is basically Chemistry and all Chemistry is basically Physics, then all of it is basically RE (but Henry doesn't know for sure because he didn't stick with RE). Higgs Boson = God particle.
- Physics is sitting in a control room saying "Throw the switch!", "Is it ready?", "Increase Segment Nine to orange", "Do we tell the public or not, cos they'll panic?", "Why are there now two Professor Scoopenhats?", "Why is Dr Rugenbloog a baby suddenly?".
- Compare the sciences by looking at the injuries you'd get: in Physics, it's that you might not exist any more but also exist an infinite number of times (very hard to go to the NHS with that). A&E late at night in a university town, instead of fighting injuries, someone's presenting as a gas or just a moustache floating around that you can only see through a spectrograph. Need to hope a doctor was an extra in a Christopher Nolan film. "My husband's trapped in a bookcase.", "I've become a memory of my great-aunt.". Chemistry is burns, ruined rivers, pharamceutical scandals, bitumen (bitchin'?) smogs, drug trials gone wrong, moustache on fire (always wear goggles and thick gloves). Bunsen burner world: passport to hot fire. Particles in physics/granules in chemistry: it's a course-grain science, like a non-edible muesli. Physics: you can't keep the stuff in a jar / Chemistry: you can, and the stuff is fine on its own in the jar.
- Lettuce = Biology (or deep Physics cos Prof. Snoopenhat has turned into a lettuce, or RE and you're having lunch). It's all linked. Biology injuries: teeth-based, you enter the food chain, all dysenteries, species-splicing accident (crocophants).
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Tom writes that he has an ear-worm of Fragma's "Toca's Miracle" melded with the Kerrigan's jingle.
- Hannah writes, post the live show: she visited a Pret near the venue that all 3 Beans have visited, and noted the weird atmosphere, but that might be Ben's dour energy bringing it down. Last-chance saloon of a Pret. She noted a fellow Bean audience member plugging in a phone charger, which exploded. Possibly the work of Sperbs. Was it a Dummy Pret? Hoisin duck wrap full of pencil sharpenings.
- Barney and Ben were at the live show and went to M&S Food afterwards: yellow-sticker bargain of 8 packs of mini Colin cakes (68p for 5 Colins), 40 Colins total. Barney referred to the Colins as 'Henry'.
- Chris in Guildford also queue-jumped Sophie Ellis-Bextor (at the Rock Oyster festival in Cornwall in a sweet kiosk). Henry and Chris accuse SE-B of being a dawdler (classic victim blaming).
- Ben can't find it but there was also a message about someone's opinion of Henry going down because of his queue jumping. Henry tries to defend himself re: queue dynamics and Jeff Lynne from ELO with Roger Taylor and Brian May. Ethical quandry gripping the nation.
¶ Jingles
- 0:17 Henry's Beefcake Journey
- 0:52 Henry's Beefcake Journey 'Take the Jingle Back' version
- 13:04 Henry's Beefcake Journey Phase II
- 20:12 Bean Machine
- 41:08 Emails
- 48:48 London
- 54:30 Patreon
¶ Notable Quotes
- "Those haunches look strong", I thought.
- You don't know whether or not you'll be rejected and spat back out into the prawn zone.
- "You can't trick a tricker" – is that the phrase?
- Today's TED Talk is from Henry Paker on The Art of Lateness.
- He views you as his Somme.
- I've got great scaffolding. I just need some meat hanging on it.
- I was given this meat and now I'm making something of it.
- What I fear is being surrounded by True Beef Legends.
- You know what they say: Every Beefcake Journey starts with a single step onto a very low plastic box.
- Whether or not you got a decent grasp of photosynthesis or Sikhism.
- Can a gibbon be made to wear a cassock?
- You can call him Leonardo but it doesn't narrow it down. Could be any Leonardo.
- I could see my life going out ahead of me: of not being the Pope and all that goes with that.
- Maybe you can get to your destination by osmosis. Get the fuck out!
- That's what I've learned from my Soothsaying GCSE: The entrails have spoken.
- A bush went on fire? That can happen to any bush though.
- You're not going to get tepid, brackish water in your wellies doing Physics.
- If they've got patients existing on different temporal planes, it's an absolute nightmare, admin-wise.
- I'm currently travelling backwards through time. I've already reached 1972 and it's only tea-time.
- If you need lettuce, you're doing Biology.
- What's an anal clasper?
- Save the plums every time, cos the plums can feed a thousand Bextors.
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Origanmi Spice Rack Challenge (38 patrons)
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Will from Ottawa (plays the viola and bagpipes): Three Bean Jig on the bagpipes (Henry sees the sun glinting off the Lorne sausage)