¶ Opening Chat
- Discussion about the Bean's first-ever Christmas Party. Anyone in the Fitzrovia area of London will have been aware of this.
- Mike spent the evening only quoting lines and stage directions from Ghostbusters, due to his rusty social skills.
- They were in a "toasty, little nook" in a pub with a fire and lots of books bought from "Boooks4Pubz" that no one will read.
- They then went to a curry house - plan to all share the food but Henry ordered 4 prawns, a last minute decision after seeing a separate section of the menu. Henry was the "Christmas div" and wanted the theatre of the sizzle plate. It was mainly pizazz and steam.
- Mike had a "curry house panic" and almost ordered 8 meals worth of food, in true provincial middle-aged man fashion.
- Ben says that the restaurant was a bit of a scam because all the tables and chairs were tiny. It's a Soho trick.
- Ben ordered what he always orders, which is the meal that takes the name of the restaurant.
- Mike ate Ben's "arse scabbard" (the piece of shell over the tail end of the prawn). He swallowed it whole "like a seagull". Mike believes if it is in a restaurant it should be edible. This is why he also ate a candle, a card machine and the waiter's trousers.
- After the meal Ben tried to get an Uber but couldn't, and he missed his train back to the suburbs (he was so close, touched the train as it slowly started moving away). He subsequently slept on Henry's floor.
- As trains are demechanicalised (Henry struggles to say this) you can't jump onto a moving train like you used to.
- Henry remembers running through Kings Cross with his mother to catch a train for a school trip to France. He was the latest he could possibly have been and ran after the train as it was leaving. The teachers were screaming at the train drivers to put more coal in, children were tipping marbles onto the platform, head of history always thinks of seiges and emptied a barrel of hot oil. Henry's mum and the head of French had a fight.
- Henry made Ben a flatbread and taramasalata platter when he stayed. Ben's first taste of taramasalata. Mike is a fan, used to eat taramasalata sandwiches. Henry goes through taramasalata phases.
- Marketing for fish eggs and taramasalata is hard. 80s adverts where Gillian Anderson knocks on neighbour Nigel Haver's door looking for fish eggs. Nigel has two mature, female cod that have just come into heat and have just begun spurting roe in the lounge, some has landed on his loafers. The cod are played by Andie McDowell and Rutger Hauer.
¶ Topic Chat
- The Beans begin this chat with songs about geese laying eggs, liquorice feet, Rumplestiltskin and a boy with daggers for ears.
- Discussion about Hans Christian Andersen vs The Brothers Grimm. Hans Christian Andersen made more stuff up, whilst the Brothers Grimm's tales are more biographical following their crazy "Taramasalata Weekend".
- Disney films are based on absolutely blood-curdling and horrific stories, for example The Little Mermaid who in the original story gets decapitated by a crab. Fairytales tend to have no logic and have more needless deaths.
- The Brothers Grimm were much more prolific than Hans Christian Andersen and wrote "smash after smash".
- Hansel and Gretel are the Simon and Garfunkel of fairy tales. Discussion about them hunting down women who choose to live unconventionally, to murder and "shame and bake".
- If you want to bake an old woman, consider using Three Bean Salad Jambalaya Spice.
- Birds are not on your side in fairytales.
- Confirmed that Jeremy Irons was previously seen by Henry pissing in a London park.
- Ben was always freaked out by Rumplestiltskin. Mike doesn't know how to pronounce skein. The Beans work through the plot for this. Boring middle bit where the Miller's daughter is trying to guess Rumplestiltskin's name including suggestions of Clive, Brad and Baardvark. Ben was freaked out by the ending where Rumplestiltskin tears himself in two. Henry remembers a Ladybird book where Rumplestiltskin was pictured with goblin energy. The name itself is grotesque, like Norbert Dentressangle.
- Henry suggests that he reads Rumplestiltskin to avoid upcoming bollockings as he thinks Ben has got it wrong. Ben actually had remembered it well. Henry talks of an ending where Rumplestiltskin flies out of the window on a cooking ladle. The Beans suggest another alternate ending where the Miller's daughter kisses Rumplestiltskin and he becomes "Hemsworth-hot" and they marry. He has rippling abs and a supernumerary nipple on his knee.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
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49.40 - Time email section starts, with Tom Crowley's version of the email jingle. They recommend that everyone listens to Tom's sketch comedy podcast Crowley Time.
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Ruth often finds herself listening to the podcast whilst in the place they are talking of - a Boots, a Ryman and The Royal Albert Hall. Ruth has been conjured into existence by the podcast and she is a "Bean Wisp". Other possible theories are 1) she has paid for the platinum geolocation package, which is only for people with no imagination at all or 2) it feels like a coincidence but if you live in London you will be in either a Boots, Ryman or the Royal Albert Hall at all times.
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Link to "Crowley Time With Me, Tom Crowley" (a very fine sketch comedy podcast) - https://crowleytom.com/crowley-time
¶ Jingles
- 20.21 - Havers
- 22.56 - Bean Machine
- 50.05 - Las Vegas Jazz version of the Email jingle, from the very talented Tom Crowley
- 57.08 - Patreon
¶ Bollockings
A bollock-free episode
¶ Notable Quotes
- "In for a penny, in for a prawn"
- "I want the salvation special, that's what I want"
- "You can't feed an army on wow"
- "It was a fandango dressed as a fiasco"
- "Well Mike ate my arse scabbard"
- "Tara-Mike-salata"
- "That was a euphemism but you have to work at it"
- 🎵 You will dream of them and cry, you will piss yourself at night 🎵
- "I'm going to say it, The Brothers Grimm shit all over Hans Christian Andersen"
- "Well Cinderella's original name in German is "Aschenputtel" which means "your arse has been cut off""
- "It's a shame and bake"
- "Eat your greens and do your weaving!"
- " Apparently he's got an arm that can shit emeralds now as well"
- "So she's absolutely surrounded by complete twats"
- "I'm just telling the story babe"
- "He's still a complete bastard but he's hot so it's fine"
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- "Paintballing with 80's Popstars" night
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Robin from Bremen - industrial techno version