¶ Opening Chat
- It's 2024 and time to release the flaming flamingoes of Berkshire, but for the Beans, it's still 2023 and the flamingoes won't yet spark. The flaming flamingo was the original firework. Ethical, because for every flamingo that goes up, the Beans plant 3 more.
- Henry's job was to arrange the Flamingo New Year's Pageant permit with Berkshire Council for the use/creation of Berkshire Airport (Slough International) (re-routing funds from the Berkshire Wall, Opera, currency and Sue Barker's Berkshire World).
- Ben explains who Sue Barker is.
- Henry posits that every UK tennis star does a deal with the devil: either (1) become a tennis megastar (stop eating KitKats and curries) and win all the Grand Slams (Miami Masters, Turin Special, Bogota Big Boys, Reykjavik Chunky People, The Belarus Big Hat, The Weetabix Cup and the Tokyo Take-Down) with huge sponsorship deals (Nestle, Waterstones, Dunelm, Dunhill, Clive Dunn, Roy Hodgson, Travolta's Savoury and Sweet Pies (with that sponsorship, you have to join Travolta and his family on the Space Pasty, like at the end of "Grease" (Ben blows Mike's mind with the concept that Olivia Newton-John was sewn into her clothes so she'd be smooth like a dolphin)) (the Beans try to remember Battlefield Earth, which Henry has seen and says uses the Dutch tilt to compensate for a lack of budget – can use it for any Guy Fawkes scenes) or (2) (Mike gets Barker confused with Clare Balding, who will have 'bumped prawns' with her at a few buffets) become a presenter who could easily pop up on Springwatch: solid British celebs who could present A Question of Sport or be on Gardener's World. A comfy pair of slippers presenter like Henman and Barker. Can't do that if you're a winner: Djokovic would just shout at the voles / Federer is too classy and smooth.
- Ben watching a cosy TV show about novels (Between the Covers? in a bed and with some covers bands, between 2 shifts in a restaurant and undercover in Mexican drug cartels) presented by Sarah Cox. Geri Halliwell was on. She had a choice: be an aloof billionaire or give in and go on Bake Off. That guy from Queen (Roger Deacon?), Brian May isn't aloof but that's cos he's a bimath into 3D Victorian pictures (somthing-o-trope). Henry favours becoming a recluse rather than being a boring hobby guy. Art Garfunkel's giant vegetables.
¶ Topic Chat
- Ali has been involved in the construction of two buildings designed by Dr Pompidou: Richard Rogers.
- Henry sees modern architecture as a lot of huge windows. Too dangerous for horror threats: plague of bats, possessed deer, scarecrow teamed up with a teenager, rabies – see them all from the huge window. Freddy Krueger goes in through your dreams so nothing you can do about that. Flu (not Baloo), just the disease. Jason the hockey mask guy (worst name of any horror film character). Pinhead from Hellraiser. The alien from Alien dressed up as the clown from It struggles to mingle at parties (wierd little mouth at the buffet, birthing pupae on the landing). Hosts wish the Predator alien would turn up and fight it to the death in the woods cos the Alien alien wouldn't play Bananagrams.
- Fantasy Dream Homes. Ben's: Trump Tower / The Bonjamin Skyscraper. Gold everywhere. Ben and Henry have been to the real Trump Tower (stall selling ties). Really rich people with their own personal shop (like Streisand's folly farm shopping street). Henry imagines Mike's dream home as huge and vulgar like a glass version of his face but with swan wings and canals inside (uncanny). It has a swim-up Fajita Joe's (served by Joe Biden). Ben's big but (and he cannot lie) is that the Trumpesque Tower will be in the middle of the savannah surrounded by zebras and giraffes, picking them off with an elephant gun. Blocking the vulture routes, the worms get bigger on the carrion and start to breed with lions. Mike will end up ill because Joe Biden doesn't run a hygienic kitchen, the porcine parasites will result in more giant worms feeding on Joe Biden (but he's still alive). Henry's first talk with Kevin McCloud is about worm-proofing.
- Like a Medieval morality tale, Ben and Mike fell for the 7 deadly sins in creating their dream homes: avarice (gold and shiny), greed (fajitas), sloth (bobbing about on canals), wrath (not broth), lust (the worms were a metaphor).
- Henry's dream home is wherever his friends are (dead, consumed by worms) in a humble London property near a good bookshop (not a glass helipad in sight), occasionally biking to the National Portrait Gallery to sit in front of a portrait of King Charles for 7 hrs.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- A reminder of the email address (NOT threebeansalad@gmail.com who are getting a fair amount of emails about asteroids).
- Mikey and Hugo Banzer (who, 'unfortuntely', is dead). Took place at Virgin of Macarena Church in Santa Cruz, Bolivia. Banzer was really short ('classic dictator') and the stern German priest, Father Carlos, ran off with his Brazilian boyfriend. Mikey gives a McDonald's touchscreen menu of 8 stories: 1. dodging military service by bribing an official (given away the ending); 2. how his grandfather helped organise the Banzer coup (the Beans think Banzer is a fun name (close to bonanza)); 3. tear-gassed many times; 4. being in a sauna with 5 Bolivian ex-presidents (the Beans imagine the last 5 UK Prime Ministers in a sauna: Brown would be great value and totally comfortable with his body (helicoptering: John Major joins in with Chinook)); 5. stolen dog and dad stole it back; 6. a Mennonite who had fashioned his own metal teeth; 7. a Bolivian circus where the main acts were a chicken and a goat; and 8. lots more in the locker. Mike picks 2 & 4. Ben picks 4. Henry agrees. Calls for sauna + head of state emails.
- Will emails re cruise job structure. He is a former navigation officer. He praises the Beans for their accurate cruise ship description. Deck cadet > officer of the watch > chief mate > master/captain. Just like working in a Pizza Hut. Mike is tempted and Henry thinks he'd rise quickly through the ranks. Ben thinks Mike could become Admiral of the Fleet. The Beans work in careers that are pancake structured.
¶ Jingles
- 21:39 Bean Machine
- 25:49 Crab Bell
- 39:06 Emails
- 50:41 Lewd Content
- 56:08 Patreon
¶ Bollockings
- Patrick emails with a Geoff Capes counter-bollock. He has written a book on the history of professional wrestling and can confirm Capes did compete in a wrestling match in 1987. A bollock-to-bollock shield or amelioration or post-bollock salve. The match in 1987 was pivotal for Mike's understanding of what a man is (other than the very wide military moustache).
- Rob's "Geoff Capes Bollocking: In Defence of Mike" offers a retrospective reflecto-bollock regarding Capes' arm-wrestling, making him 'a wrestler of sorts'. Henry gets distracted by the phrase 'hirsute beefcake'. Rob tells of gruesome footage of a bone being ripped from Capes's arm during a match (doesn't seem possible). Mike thinks Capes would define himself as a keeper of budgerigars.
¶ Notable Quotes
- Are you saying the reason [Sue Barker] didn't win Wimbledon is because she didn't want it enough? That's a big call.
- KitKat Curry Night over at Sue Barker's is off.
- It was supposed to be a carefree summer; it wasn't really about intergalactic conquest.
- Ben, I'd love it if you got a bollocking from someone who knew whether or not their heads would explode if they were in an open-topped Cadillac as they left the atmosphere.
- There's famously no fibre in space, so you'd get very very constipated very quickly.
- It's the ultimate Plain Susan turnaround.
- That's why it's called "Ryman": it's a menswear shop.
- Three Bean Salad in 2024: more coherent than ever.
- Fucking Robert Catesby!
- Can I say, I know you don't have any bowels any more but I'm a big admirer of your work and it would mean so much.
- Would you mind signing your own arse?
- Who vaccinated these voles? You've ruined them.
- Art Garfunkel has funneled millions into making the world's biggest courgette, just because he can.
- I'll give you a Bridge Over Troubled Water in your face: my urine.
- I should let you know, I've birthed some pupae on your landing.
- It's a mini-mouth. What I like to say is that I use it for small talk.
- Why did you have to invite the alien, darling?
- Is it all shops that she goes to or is their a bookies like a real high street, with people working there all day?
- A wriggling necronitropolis of maned worms.
- We're going to have to Travolta these turds.
- Are those sausage fingers? More like worm fingers.
- Judoka, is that somewhere bewteen sudoku and judo?
- Let he who is without sin cast the first bollock.
- Couldn't get on Inferno at Thorpe Park, so, you know what, I'm going to absolutely shit all over press freedom.
- Hugo Banzer and the Wide-Legged Trouser Boys!
- This Chinook anecdote is a cross-party issue.
- If you're lucky, you get covered in Nutella.
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Evening of Remembrance for Career Opportunities that People Turned Down and Regretted Turning Down Eventually (a sombre mood) (14 patrons).
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Daniel's magic piano at a soft play in Cornwall.