¶ Opening Chat
- Beans are in 2023, listeners will be deep into January
- Ben might leave his Christmas tree up until Candlemas again. It's a plastic tree so it can be Christmas every day. The tree will outlive him and is likely to produce noxious substances if coming into contact with fire.
- Bonjo's joyless Christmas, including pre-decorated trees in midnight Black, and fake presents administering non-fatal shocks (80% of the time) to children who try and reach them. The tree is from North Korea but in fairness they have disabled the "feed an uncle to dogs" button. Chat about uncles being eaten by dogs and matte, black trees that can kill a burglar (then you have bolognese).
- Ben watched Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny over Christmas, which he enjoyed. Spoilers for the movie discussed including time travel, Romans and Fleabag.
- Mike gets Fleabag and Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers mixed up. Would he have a golden Pharaoh's sock over his penis?
- Discussion about Ben's naysaying, is he just saying he enjoyed the film because it has been universally panned?
- Henry thinks Dial of Destiny is something he would have written as a child (prepare for litigation against the makers of Indiana Jones and Fleabag, the idea of the penis sock, and the RHCP album Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik.
- Archimedes is the original observational stand-up comic with his material about water displacement.
- Henry believes it takes about 5 years to realise a film that has been lauded is rubbish (Ben suggests Birdman). Whereas Die Hard you watch every year.
- Henry has a sweet, seductive RP voice that makes total bollocks sounds credible. He'd be a great, slippery home secretary. Henry's plans to invade France by the South using the donkeys of Northern beaches.
¶ Topic Chat
- Henry has never been to the Tower of London. Ben and Mike both think it is great. It's got everything you could want if you like any of crown jewels, torture, execution, ravens, weird men called Beefeaters, Spanish teenagers wearing backpacks on their front (all of Henry's favourite things).
- Mike is really into The Ravens - an acapella group who met at Magdalen College at Oxford who also do kabuki execution scenes.
- The ravens are the size of a small dog which is impressive. A dog the size of a small dog is less impressive, unless it can fly.
- Discussion about a genetically engineered toad and what it might say.
- Ravens and beefeaters have Blade Runner-style chips in their heads and will explode if they try and cross the perimeter.
- Ben can't remember the crown jewels. Depends if you are whelmed by jewels or not.
- Can you still get executed at the Tower of London for taking a sheep over Vauxhall Bridge / not disposing of your yoghurt pot properly / not allowing a Beefeater to lick the yoghurt pot clean?
- Henry thinks the crown jewels at the Tower of London are decoys. The real ones may be in a branch of JD Sports in Mexico City or they may be hiding within the fake jewels themselves.
- Could the ravens be out of work actors? They do talk about putting on a Fringe show of Macbeth in Space.
- Discussion around actors who perform in character at historical attractions and how annoying they can be ("what is a car?"). They relief they must feel when they finally get home and take off that Tudor hat. Or do they stay in character, ruining a pasta meal?
- Henry comes up with a film concept where King Steve finds himself in the modern day. He interacts with stereotypical American tourists, thwarts a plan from developers, eats a pizza, hangs out with the Pope. There's a possible love interest despite the fact the main character is obscene with outdated values and flatulence, and who thinks and animal is a Spaniard. A Zooey Deschanel type character who is quirky and cool will fall in love with him for no apparent reason. There will be a montage of him getting a modern makeover, he declares war on the Burger King, he visits London and bites an iPod. It might get a bit dark at the end where people actually get hung, drawn and quartered (hopefully those certifying the film fall asleep before that so they can get the PG dollars).
- Obviously, the King is played by Jesse Plemons. Plemons gets shaved and moisturised and underneath is Timothée Chalamet. Plemons has 6 winnebagos which he uses like Russian Dolls.
- The final scene is where he punches King Charles to death and becomes the new King of England. Henry comes up with the title "Royal Blood". Ben comes up with "Tower of Fun-don" (this may create a falling out). Mel Gibson is a Beefeater who gives a 2 hour post-credits lecture on divine selection.
- How has this King travelled to the future? Comet. No further discussion needed.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Peter's version of the email jingle is impressive enough to give him the film composer job for "Royal Blood". Perfect soundtrack for very violent scenes where Zooey Deschanel also lances boils on the King's face.
- Fran has heard the Three Bean Salad theme tune hidden in Schubert's Impromptu Opus 90 No. 4 in A flat Major. Is this plagiarism by Ben or has he tapped into something primordial? Did early man shout the theme tune on a hill before being speared by Harrison Ford?
- A new film idea- Ben has been transported back in time into Schubert's body. All characters apart from Schubert are played by Ben. Schubert is of course played by Jesse Plemons, until he has a shower and then he is Chalamet.
- Sage emails in. Recently broke up from her partner but he is still paying for her Three Bean Salad Patreon account.
- Ruth has emailed in, she weaves whilst listening to podcasts (she can be an extra in the movie). Amused by Mike (but it was actually Ben) commanding "do your weaving" on a previous episode. Then, later on an email from another Ruth who discovered she was a Bean Wisp. Is weaving-Ruth also a Bean Wisp?
- Ruth is weaving the story of the film like a tapestry, including the violent final scenes. The weavings may be used as evidence by the police.
- Philip was visiting his parents in Bremen. His mum enjoys Cruises and wanted to listen, but it was just 3 men who had never been on a cruise before talking about piss.
- Henry says the episodes mothers listen to always tend to be the gross ones - should they rename themselves "The Turd Brigade?" (wouldn't take much work on the logo).
- Anna has just returned from South Georgia (in the Sandwich Isles) and listened to episodes with her penguin friend. Delighted at prospect of a Bean live show from an abandoned whaling station. Found a fellow bean Listener. The Beans now have both poles covered and are aiming to build an audience on tiny, remote island communities. If you are listening close to the Equator get in touch.
- The Beans see the picture of Anna's penguin friend - Henry thinks it looks like a fat sparrow, or a dead frozen sparrow.
¶ Jingles
- 16.56 - Bean Machine
- 18.40 - Regal Zone (first usage of the word "knaves" replacing "whores")
- 31.57 - Chalamet
- 39.11 Peter from Germany's "plain chant" version of the Email jingle
- 57.36 - Patreon
¶ Bollockings
- A bollock-free week.
¶ Notable Quotes
- The promise is you'll die first with this plastic Christmas tree!
- and they do get used to the taste of uncles eventually
- it's lumpy bolonails!
- I can't believe I've just taken it up the arse from a Nazi but at the same time I feel good about myself
- It's time to yaysay
- yeah, yeah we know that. Boring!
- The ravens are the size of an impossibly genetically-engineered toad
- I hope this gribbet will be my last
- "I'm a vanity project nothing more, a vanity project for the soul"
- No sir! They're loose aboot the hoose.
- You know what happens when I see an orb
- you're making me feel tired all over just by talking about it
- "Cork it you fucking prick we're all just trying to get through this day, yeah?"
- "Just have your nightly dump so we can go to bed"
- The new smash hit, pro-monarchist, family fun smash of the Summer / Winter
- Well I'll See you at the box office Henry!
- "They're fucking crows alright!"
- It's a really gross episode it's not one for mothers
- What does he want from us? What's he doing sticking this on in front of his mother? Come on Philip! Come on mate, this is basic
- It's not a perfect sphere, certainly not with this government
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Pike Rugby Night
¶ Listener Theme Tune
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42.49 - Fran plays Schubert on the piano, which has the Three Bean Salad theme tune hidden in it (not the closing theme but very deserving of a special mention).
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Jonathan in New Hampshire - Spoken Word Version. Dancefloor killing, but "that's what we call Bonjamin music".