¶ Opening Chat
- Henry is speaking into a cup with penguins on.
- Henry wants the podcast to have the vibe of a film where ladies in Maine talk over their problems while holding huge, beautiful earthenware cups (available for sale).
- The film will star Helen Hunt, Emma Thompson, Meryl Streep, a younger one (Emma Stone?), Diane Keaton, one who's a singer (Streisand? Cher? No, Bette Midler!). Plemons is hewing huge, 600-ft, 4,000-year-old redwoods in the garden, just for fun.
- You can buy the rough-hewn hands of Plemons after because he's also a sexy potter who's a serial widower (all his wives died in plaid factory garrottings). Title: The Plaid Factory Coffee Break.
- One character is flying high in the big city, one is a writer of romance getting the girls together after a withering review, one makes surfboards for blind dogs (Cher, who makes the market for herself by blinding the dogs), one is a fugitive/future-tive (future grand larceny) – this will bring in the sci-fi fans. Streisand is CGI and can turn into a sidecar, Transformers-style.
- Enya doing the soundtrack in collaboration with Def Leppard: Orinoco Steel.
- Multiverse element: similar things happen in Vermont where all the women have Plemons' face, while Plemons is the redwood being chopped down by a mutant Emma Stone.
- Pauses in the film where your Google Glasses can order the ceramics (previously seeded in the dialogue by Hunt/Plemons), which will wait for you in the boot of your car after the film.
- The Future FBI come through a time portal to capture the future-tive via bazooka fight, and Streisand realises she is enough when she looks to her left in bed and sees Plemmingtons/Paddington.
- It's all about the merch: www.threebeansaladshop.com.
¶ Topic Chat
- None of the Beans have been on a cruise.
- Terrifyingly huge with a sense of a toxic, infected paradise.
- Constantly chlorinating flumes to deal with the amount of piss produced. The swimming pools ARE the plumbing.
- A sense of infection, colds, legionnnaires' disease, syphilis, trenchfoot all flying around.
- Snobby-ness about cruising is about the Home Counties punter doing curling on deck while looking at a fjord.
- Something honest about a cruise: just being a tourist.
- Henry in Madeira suddenly saw a swarm of cruisers (the sky turned black, the air filled with the stench of stale piss): didn't know they were making a new 'Cocoon' (Ben doesn't get the reference).
- Disembarked cruisers never spend any money. Just on rails, not going to the wonderful backstreet bistros where they might be served tripe and a Snickers while the locals have normal chicken.
- Happy Hour in the mega-toilet. Lamb korma cocktails. The whole boat flips once an hour for a saltwater wash: nature's disinfectant.
- Dining at the captain's table: red-hot anecdotes about declaring war with Tunisia so that their missiles would sort out the encrusted piss.
- Maritime careers don't have a standard career progression (unlike stand-up comedy). You just decide to seek a life at sea or are bopped on the head in the Philippines.
- Lawless world. Neptune's law (small-state, libertarian). Call for listeners who are from the maritime world to get in touch.
- Being a captain: you can marry anyone to a fish finger but you have to go down with the ship (huge downside). Use the captain's beard as a disguise to escape this fate. Flip the captain's hat to become Madame Jumbelina, Austrian heiress (first on the lifeboat) with cod fingers and a tartare tartan hat.
- Captain Henry would call 'Abandon ship!' several times a day ('It's a bit windy!') as the quicker they get off, the quicker he gets off.
- The captain can flirt at dinner by offering a solo tour of the flumes when they're at their filthiest.
- Names of Top 10 largest cruise ships: 10. P&O Arvia (elegant, with crazy golf course); 9. Costa Toscana (a tribute ship, with people zorbing on deck (risky, could zorb right off the edge)); 8. MSC World Europa (classy); 7. Allure of the Seas (Oasis class, so Liam or Noel will be available to dine with (read the smallprint though, cos it's generally Bonehead), bassist possibly called Paul); 6. Oasis of the Seas (snorkeling in pool, ice skating, zipwire); 5. Harmony of the Seas (a symphony of luxury); 4. Symphony of the Seas (24-hr production of Hairspray; like living in Milton Keynes); 3. Utopia of the Seas (food court, park with a noodle restaurant and confused ducks, rewilded wolves); 2. Wonder of the Seas (giant chess set, clown nightmare swimming pool/slot machine); 1. Icon of the Seas (like a bunch of board games scattered haphazardly, 9 whirlpools, tallest waterfall at sea).
- Zombie movie set on a cruise ship. Playing Madame Jumbalina: Jesse Plemons in a cynical bid for an Oscar.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Matt: "I have been queue-jumped by Sophie Ellis-Bextor". Possible that SEB has started doing unto others what was done unto her (hurt people hurt people). Chessington World of Adventures: SEB's family didn't queue, just went straight onto ride. Bellingcat need to verify. Possible access needs might be the way her legal team spins it. Henry proposes the 'Couple of Plums Law' but Mike doesn't think it'll get past the House of Lords. Henry posits that the '10 items or less' area of a supermarket should be expanded to other areas of life.
- Rob: "I'm radioactive". On medical trial drinking liquid with radioactive isotope. Furthering mankind's progress.
¶ Jingles
- 9:27 Bean Machine
- 28:28 Usual interstitial sting but done in a Christmassy, Jingle Bells way
- 38:23 Emails
- 46:28 Listener Bollocking of the Week
- 48:34 & 49:30 Bollocking Accepted
- 49:55 Double Bollocking, Double Accepted
- 51:21 Patreon
¶ Bollockings
- Lee: for Mike, about Geoff Capes. He was not a wrestler, but the World's Strongest Man, an international shot-put athlete and a policeman (the only one to tear the book in half before throwing it out of the window/at you – Henry's just trying to have a bit of fun). Perhaps confused with Giant Haystacks? Mike puts all chunky men in the category of 'wrestler', including Schwarzenegger. Bollocking Accepted. / For Ben: Capes is not dead (Henry checks Wikipedia and understands all the 'raw' benchflipping stats because of his own beefcake journey). Bollocking Accepted. A one-two bollock, very rare. Another call for 'life at sea' emails.
¶ Notable Quotes
- The big city in Maine, which we all know is... Mainville?
- Will having a really, really hot fuck with Plemons help her find the muse?
- You've got to put a Transformer in it, haven't you?
- It's the feel-good and feel-sexy hit of the sci-fi summer.
- He's not sure whether or not he's got a barbed penis but he's promised to look it up.
- Their vision of paradise is just an awful lot of flumes.
- It's all about piss sluicing.
- Who's that fascinating old man over there whittling a spoon out of quartz? I'm going to do a rubbing of the side of his face!
- Come to tonight's Chlorination Ball, starting at 7:30pm!
- Don't let a single thing pass your mouth, Marjorie!
- On the front of the brochure: piss is a disinfectant.
- Madame Jumbelina coming through!
- Flumes, flumes everywhere, but none that I can use without losing my sense of authority with the passengers.
- You can barely see that the blue flume is blue, it's just covered in skidmarks.
- An oasis of luxurious symphonatas.
- Welcome to Urinos, named after the Ancient Greek god of piss.
- Well, if it's good enough for the plum bastard!
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Annual Dry Feet Show-and-Tell Symposium (12 patrons)
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Min in New Zealand with a theremin outro.