¶ Opening Chat
- Henry is recovering from a bad cold (but doesn't want to make a big deal about it) but realises it's only a fraction of the world's suffering. Can you have a big fraction? Nine-tenths of a diplodocus? Which tenth have you taken off determines whether Henry might beat it in a fight (e.g. a bit off the girth, makes it annoyed about the trousers it just bought). Diplodocus trousers: quadrolegged (only a few Italian tailors still do it) and scaly (shouldn't be able to tell someone is wearing trousers and this is why Henry's trousers look like a pair of hairy Turkish (Henry's heritage) legs). Henry's legs go back to the earliest Turkmen tribes, right back to the earliest Turk (Dennis Turk).
- Ben imagines Henry's legs to look like Mr Tumnus the faun from The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe (not Mr Tumble from CBeebies). He gets footwear made to look like hairy human feet to wear over his faun hooves. The small, shit-clagged tail is Henry's own (nurture rather than nature). Covering up the hooves prevents people thinking Henry is Beelzebub.
- Does the devil have hooves? The greatest trick he ever pulled = M&M World. The devil's whole look is that of a goat but without the face of a goat.
- Goat/ghost/grout all derive from the Latin 'gotus' meaning really lairy goose.
- Satan is depicted in red because of Coca-Cola. And Santander: the devil's bank. And Santana: the devil's guitar maestro (central or south American?).
- Why is everything bifurcated? The one true road is a straight one: the most profound thing Henry has ever said. The devil is shown with the fork and not other barbecue equipment like a spatula.
- Henry's cold: couple of midweek lie-ins. Shouldn't have had that blood transfusion (using Castrol GTX, through the anus, on Old Street roundabout) from the charming bloke outside the Tube station. He did offer a verbal IO(too busy to say U): a credit note for a windscreen wash(er) dialysis ("down your fucking gullet, you prick").
- (Hiatus while plumber arrives at Ben's house.)
- Ben's new tap: sparkling water? real ale? Someone's got "tap money" from the Beans' merch doing so well. Clarification for US listeners: a faucet (not Farrah Fawcett (Farrah Tap). Jeff Bridges has a majestic name. Benjamin Partridge is in a glass house throwing half a brick here. The partridge is less aerodynamic than a pig, needing to be shot or hit by a truck to become airborne. Chased by dogs, including Pam (the hairy rocket (not a euphemism for an airborne penis)).
- Henry's 2-part Bialetti coffee maker has stopped working. The sort of coffee maker a wizened Italian man (or a sexy young dynamic Londoner) with a harrowing past and a love of Puccini might use (with his wardrobe stuffed with Fascist memorabilia). The Italian man carries a case around with different moustaches in (one he wore for kissing Mussolini's daughter, one he picked up in Zara (mix of synthetic and Chinese badger)). A nicely rounded xenophobic character (okay, okay, wrap it up).
- Henry fell in love with the Bialetti whilst on holiday in Sicily (once he worked out how to work it). They are lethal if put together wrong, that's why Mike prefers Nescafe Gold Blend, which he discovered in a lovely Air BnB in Derby. The device has a valve that needs to be treated carefully otherwise gravity could be reversed and the laws of physics messed up. "The stakes are so high because if I don't have my morning coffee, it will be a nuclear explosion": put it on a tea towel to time with the release of Oppenheimer.
- Ben saw Oppenheimer last week. His review: good film.
- Henry's coffee maker is entirely meltables and flammables, need to wear oven gloves and operate it through glass, like dealing with plutonium. The chances of an accidental dashing are high. Need correct footwear: lovely Italian hob-nailed slip-ons or running shoes if it's before Henry has had his morning coffee. Wearing oven gloves makes you feel like a useless panda. Many interchangeable parts, like a Crystal Maze puzzle. One of which is a synthetic sphincter or gasket. Henry invokes the Industrial Revolution to cut a long story short (Mike: Oh, god). Henry has a bloated, swollen, brown gasket which forms black, foul-smelling crispy bubbles, from which he is now talking.
¶ Topic Chat
- Henry wants the beach only until he's there. He's bored within minutes. No stimulation, no ideas, no Pinter.
- Ben has been to Kefalonia but more for the ancient ruins than the beach.
- Mike could idle away swathes of time on the beach.
- Snorkel masks find it hard to get enough hold on Mike's face. Using their face gasket. Cheese goujons/bites are taken from the breakfast buffet (same time as picking up a free lunch) and shoved up the sides of the snorkel to help it grip. Dense hams for floatation devices. Full ham wetsuit. Salami shorty. Buoyancy quiche (release slices to sink down). Devilled eggs to build out the face a bit. Pureed tuna (don't use as chum) or a badly made mushroom omlette are perfect used as facial prosthetics.
- Mike prefers a Mediterranean resort that has been ruined by the Brits (and the Dutch and Deutsch). You budget for your squits only lasting one day.
- Don't sit on the wooden beach beds cos of the surcharge. Embrace not paying the surcharge. Buffet food drying out on your towel. Kids reading the plane's safety instructions ("it's a tragic, tragic comic book!").
- The windbreak is crucial to the British beach experience. Mike explains what one is to Henry.
- For modesty, use the towel system, like Henry does in the changing room of the place where he does spinning. He finds it weird to not use a modesty system, but Ben is the guy shamelessly toweling off. Henry thinks "what is that guy's problem?" while concealing his shame in a dark corner wearing a black hooded cassock. Gregorian chanting: "all flesh is sin".
- Henry releases decoy Henries like in The Thomas Crown Affair (Jason Statham and Vin Diesel).
- Henry's baboon brain is wondering whether to reveal his arse ('engorge! engorge!') to defeat the toweling alpha. The arse and the udders are ready to go, but the face is unengorged, like a shriveled crisp packet that has been in the oven.
- Is the free toweling guy just a nice geography teacher who's happy in himself, quite relaxed, looking forward to taking his daughter out for her birthday this evening. Now about to die at the hands of Henry's arse.
- Plugs: Machynlleth shows are no longer sold out / Manchester live show – some more tickets will go live once Ben hears from a man called John / Bristol Patreon pre-sale about to open. Hoping to have more live shows, a bigger tour. Henry sees the shows as ABBA Journey (not allowed to say ABBA Voyage) unplugged. Hoping to go to Derby, the Highlands, the Lowlands, Svalbard, Inaccessible Island and Bremen. Mike plugs a novel: JS Brough (local to Mike) "Finding Nowhere: The Barefoot Chronicles" – a surfing thriller.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Ben offers Mike and Henry a choice of topics: carveries, Stonehenge, the Pompidou discount actors agency, magistrates or a wild card/misc.
- Misc. is from Nell who drilled through her hand. Henry's puns on Nell's name to offer some comfort ('hope they didn't hear the death knell'). Did it just go through the webbed part? Henry reckons you can lose one finger and it's just a talking point. In agricultural circles it's embarassing not to have lost a finger (a full ten means you're work-shy).
- Carveries are from Mike and Mike. First Mike offers a tactic (Trojan meat? A horse dressed as a cow) to get more meat based on amount of grams. Do they weigh the meat like a disgusting, hellish pick 'n' mix? In order to get 400g of meat rather than 300g. Mike is incensed by the idea that the Meatmaster has no passion for their job. Henry thinks the house always wins, like a casino. Henry would do it gram by gram (never mind the queue and the sharp knives).
- Other Mike (in Whitley Bay) emails on carveries. He takes his son to the Meatmaster (Henry: it's so medieval, so much lore around it) but gets sweet gravy. Turns out there was toffee sauce in the gravy. Perhaps trying to Heston Blumenthal it.
- Tina from Bremen was an archaeology undergrad on a field trip to Stonehenge (breakfasting on rosé and cider). Her stocky Welsh friend S ran up to touch the stones at the end of the session and was taken to the site manager. Meanwhile, two of her other friends robbed the gift shop of English Heritage chocolate and a cookbook about prehistoric food. What a chaotic trip! A classic 'in the confusion' situation.
- An anonymous barrister in Yorkshire emails about magistrates: they can lock you up and don't use gavels. How to find out which magistrate is a Beans fan? Deploy a Pompidou reference as suggested in the quotes. Should Tina be worried (she has confessed after all)?
¶ Jingles
- Pam (12:25)
- Bean Machine (22:57)
- E-mails (41:00)
- Patreon (57:43)
¶ Notable Quotes
- A recently untenthed, furious diplodocus.
- If you could just take these in a bit, and hairy Turkish legs them for me, thank you.
- Santa and Satan: the two big, red, Ss.
- Are you in a safe healthcare setting if you're worrying about witnesses?
- This is the moustache I wore on my daughter's wedding day.
- Generally, people don't put valves on things for fun.
- Coffenheimer.
- Susan Gasket was very sensitive about any arse talk.
- Me, a Grisham, and the sea.
- Avoiding the surcharge is part of the fun.
- We've all seen a man's naked body before ... so why should the receptionist be any different?
- Better cancel TGI Fridays. You're about to get your throat ripped out by an arse.
- Through one of the ornamental bits of the hand?
- It's not all about street drugs, Henry: in the provinces, we use grams to measure meat.
- His thick butcher's hands are like the very scales of justice.
- Mikes love carveries.
- Your story is as transparent as the tubes on the Pompidou centre. Sustained!
- I object! Just as the people of Paris objected when Dr Pompidou attempted to build a building with the pipes on the outside.
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Tweed Wars (47 patrons)
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Chris sends a theme of 1950s panache: 'Holiday for String Beans' in the style of the David Rose orchestra.