¶ Opening Chat
- Mike looks like he has something to hide, but he has just been on a Pam walk and picking up turds.
- Mike keeps all the turds and has a turd pyramid in his garden (you can visit for £2.49 per person, kids go free). There are some lewd, turd sculptures (for the dads), such as the turd dick wall.
- Henry still wants to be a philistine about The Turner Prize and wants a realistic picture of a jug.
- Ben proposes that still life paintings are rubbish. What is the thinking behind them? Would have been a better historical, cultural, record if artists had painted their sock drawer / shower / kitchen drawer full of miscellaneous objects, rather than a pile of fruit. Is it the equivalent of someone taking a photo of their meal for Instagram?
- Andy Warhol banana painting - Henry doesn't understand why it is good. If he put it out on Twitter he doesn't think it would get a lot of traction.
- Discussion about new Banksy painting (not a new Banksy-like artist as Mike first thinks). Ben doesn't really think Banksy is a tosser, although he enjoyed saying it. The Beans admire him for sticking to his anonymity. Banksy is very 90s "Cool Bristol" (Bristol was briefly cool between the ages of infinite pastys).
- Banksy is a middle-aged man so probably wears a waterproof gilet on top of a tank top, long gloves and corduroy trousers with integrated paisley haemorrhoid cushion. He wears anti-DVT stockings on one leg and anti-DVD stockings on the other (he is very pro blu-ray). Banksy thinks TV reached it's peak with the second series of Auf Wiedersehen Pet, he keeps trying to get it recommissioned but Jimmy Nail says no. Banksy has an obscure interest in flapper girls and their gloves, which he lectures about under his real name, Dr Norris Pimpington.
- People in Mike's local area believe he is Banksy due to his turd pyramid, Mike likes this as it adds to his mystique. Henry believes this fits as Mike is the last person you would expect.
- The only paint Mike believes in is anti-climb paint, which he has on the backs of his shoulders, just in case.
¶ Topic Chat
No topic from the Bean Machine, due to jingle distraction and cat chat.
- David's version of the Bean Machine jingle is played, it is very "Cool Bristol".
- Lots of jungle versions of theme tunes, including lots of pompidou versions. Pompidou jingle is played less now, because the podcast is as it is now (sorry).
- If the Beans are talking about what the podcast is, isn't this a pompidou?
- The podcast is "wet tubes", like the internal anatomy of an animal. This confused Ben.
- Jungle makes Henry think of the 90s and makes him uneasy, he feels like he might have to perform an act of civil unrest.
- In the 90s IKEA had just arrived in the UK, which was uneasy as people had to start doing flat-pack and desk lamps were £1.50.
- Someone on Twitter complained that they'd ate meatballs in IKEA and shat themselves minutes later. Corrected by doctors that it's unlikely that it was the meatballs fault (it's the 3 scotch eggs you found in your car yesterday).
- Has Bluebell ever eaten a Scotch egg? They play Samuel's version of the Bluebell jingle. "She's a cat" in French can mean both she's a cat and she's a REDACTED.
- Lots of talk of bloodlines in Dune 2, which reminded Henry of buying Bluebell.
- Heritage of British Shorthairs goes back to the Romans (Ben thinks this is bollocks). Imagine a Roman centurion's helmet being lowered onto a British Shorthair's head - it fits perfectly!
- Bluebell bought from an eccentric, ex-military person in Kent. House looked normal outside (or possibly a semi-detached pyramid) but out the back it looked like a military training camp for shorthairs (a feline militia). The males were prowling and were "seriously intimidating", about a foot tall (the height of a cat).
- The cat piss smell was intimidating - lots of pheromones and different kinds of piss including sexual piss, memo piss, gossip piss and gospel piss. Henry couldn't counteract this and did feel intimidated enough to splay his external genitalia. Henry had to fight the biggest shorthair there to earn the right to take Bluebell as his bride.
- The female shorthairs are cosetted princesses and like the witches in Dune.
- Henry had the sense that he had to say the right thing and impress the breeder in order to get Bluebell. It's not like buying a kettle from John Lewis, but buying a kettle should be more like buying a cat.
- Mike talks about buying Pam from a breeder in South Wales. They had been pre-checked (by former MI6 agents) so it was all business. They saw Pam's father first who was "roughly the size of four Hyundai i10s" and they thought they'd made a mistake, but then Pam's mother and tiny Pam appeared and they were reassured.
- Henry made mistakes on both questions the breeder asked as he wasn't sure what the correct answers would be. The first being that "maybe" he would show Bluebell but this was the wrong answer. The second being asked if they would get Bluebell spayed and he said "half". This was the wrong answer as the breeder wants to control the bloodlines. When she dies, all the British Shorthairs have a brain implant will be activated and they will kill their owners (using their cyanide tipped tail / anus, or contents of a kitchen drawer).
- Henry was given a family tree certificate for Bluebell, which goes back generations, like a Hapsburg dynasty.
- Pompidou - the Beans have "fucked" this episode. No time to discuss the topic from the Bean Machine. Henry suggests they retrospectively say the topic was Bluebell and fool the listener. Could it be called Pompidou or Bluebell (Bluebidou)? Mike suggests they call it "Cloche Bleue" in honour of the earlier played French jingle.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Gentori's email jingle is very 90s, reminds Mike of 90's cinema, Henry of Aphex Twin. Music videos in the 90s were distressing, possibly because politically things were OK and history was over (Oasis visited Downing Street).
- Henry doesn't know what music is like today. Mike is exposed to melodic stuff, not anything with rhythms that could trigger an IBS attack.
- Ben was listening to Radio 2 last year and a granny rang in requesting "Firestarter" by The Prodigy.
- Henry remembers being on a dancefloor in the 90s, who was wearing an adapted welding mask with torches attached. The 90s were a great time for the whistle oligarchs.
- Eleanor has a new, but confusing, mnemonic to remember which is Maidstone and which is Maidenhead.
- Chris from near Diamond Harbour in New Zealand. He plays McSpicy roulette - whenever McDonalds has the McSpicy he buys it despite the fact it always gives him intense diarrhoea. It is win-win, because even if he does get diarrhoea he annoys his girlfriend. Henry struggles to understand the concept of McSpicy roulette.
- Neil emails in about Majorca's Caves of Hams. You can buy a joint ticket for it with Dinosaur Land.
¶ Jingles
- 00.34 - Pam
- 13.35 - David's "Smuggler's Caves" Bean Machine Jingle
- 16.40 - Oscar's "Jungle" Pompidou jingle
- 17.55 - Jungle Viennese Waltz
- 21.27 - James' "Cello" Digestive Tract Talk jingle
- 22.43 - Samuel's "Cloche Bleue" Bluebell jingle
- 41.32 - Mika's Pompidou jingle
- 44.38 - Gentori's "Jungle" Email jingle
- 50.36 - Listener Bollocking of the Week
- 56.01 - Bollocking accepted
- 56.45 - Diamond Harbour
- 1.02.31 - Neil
- 1.03.42 - Cured Meats of the Continent
- 1.04.37 - P's "Otamatone" Patreon jingle
¶ Bollockings
- Josh from Nova Scotia (reluctantly) bollocking. Henry remembers where this is as he has integrated it into his mn-mn-mn-mn-mnemonic (he has added Olivia Coleman into it, who is holding a pot of Coleman's mustard). Nova Scotia is not known from crab fishermen, it is actually known for lobster fisherman. But what is a lobster, apart from an elongated, imperial crab?
¶ Notable Quotes
- "The turd dick wall is quite the talk of the town"
- "Check me out, I've got a pear"
- "I'm living my best medieval life"
- "What are our thoughts on Banksy by the way?" "Tosser"
- "These are our best tubes"
- "There's always another tube within a tube, you're right"
- "I now want to buy 500 desk lamps"
- "So all you've done is alerted the world to the fact you've shat yourself in an IKEA"
- "So many pheremones"
- "I did my best but at the end of the day I was just one man taking a piss in a Kent garden"
- "That's a man who has just done a piss and is taking his trousers off and lying down in a Kent garden"
- "She's a cosseted princess"
- "Will you be OK to transport Bluebell to Vienna, for ball season, once a year?"
- "When I die my bloodlines die with me"
- "You just have to hope you don't get the whisk"
- "They will meringue you"
- "The sweet, sweet smell of moral decay"
- "I met my husband in a mosh pit, yeah! We beat the living shit out of a 15 year old from Scunthorpe together and we've been together ever since"
- "When mnemonics go wrong it is very, very dangerous"
- "Every single time..... so far"
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Annual cricket match against the Indian national team.
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Andy's "vacuum cleaning mother which set off the dog" version