¶ Opening Chat
- Ben has had a big week by going to 2 carveries in 3 days.
- Ben must be quite a sight arriving at the carvery in his open top Saab, staff disappointed it's not a beautiful Scandinavian woman.
- Once you've been to the meat station you can't go back. Strategies include filling a false leg full of parsnips, gammon goitre or trying to negotiate with the "Meat Master".
- If you don't go for all the meats, Ben thinks that is pathetic. Ben wants to "spatchcock" all the meats into a flat disc to roll up and smoke like a cigar.
- Ben and Henry explain to Mike there is no crackling, as that would suggest some heterogeneity between the meats served; which are all simultaneously wet (such as slimy, not moist) and dry in texture.
- Cabbage boiled with the same degree of focus and energy as Britain approached World War II, Churchill speeches pumped into the kitchen. Vegetables become "atomic mulch".
- Ben mistaken for a man who had "kicked off big time" earlier in the day about gravy.
- Ben trying to get on the right side of the Meat Master, currently using "slightly cloying chumminess" but maybe should try and alpha him. Henry suggests negging.
- Henry might set riddles, like The Riddler dressed as a whimsical butcher. They tried to genetically engineer a pig in Ludlow, which is now known as the containment zone.
¶ Topic Chat
- The Beans start with 20 seconds of "spooky" noises.
- Noone has seen a ghost, this is because they don't exist.
- Henry can get freaked out by horror films, but still enjoys the horror genre.
- Henry once saw a film so scary (David Lynch's "Lost Highway") he couldn't leave his brother's flat, and had to stay the night and was unable to take his trousers off. Mike questions why he would have needed to do that in the first place.
- Bravado in liking scary films like spicy food.
- Henry terrified by faces that are a bit weird, but has managed to get through these podcast recordings. The podcast was originally meant to help Henry wean from his fear, but he actually is looking at Nigel Slater and Susan Sarandon filters.
- Ben asks his friend Tom for recommendations of horror films every Halloween - recent recommendations being "Hereditary" (spoilers) and "The Babadook".
- Creepy is the key. Chainsaw massacre not as scary as a child with the face of a goat.
- What is more scary - an Orca in a zoot suit with a tommy gun (Two-tone Tony) or a child's doll with the face of a goat? You could possibly disarm the killer whale, and then end up taking his place in witness protection at Sea World. Would be playing to bigger audiences than Mike's current tour, for example San Diego Orca-fest 2025, but you wouldn't make any profit.
- Free Willy would be a much better film if the Orca the boy tried to free was actually a man on witness protection.
- Mike might struggle to make the Orca noise. He can do "squealing pig" but that's not what people have paid for. Ben says he might like that, but it might be seen as a challenge by the staff at the carvery.
- Ben followed by the aura of the blonde, leggy, Scandinavian woman who used to drive the Saab. The Saab used to be driven by Ben's mother in law, not the prime minister of Finland. Henry had used his memory enhancement (Henry didn't play saxophone for Barack Obama, he played recorder for John Major).
- Discussion about creepy people in Victorian clothes, facing the corner, with heads rotating like a horizontal rotisserie chicken. Hair stays the same, the face is the goat version of your own face.
- Victorian era seems a particularly creepy one.
- Mike was freaked out by "The Woman in Black" when he saw it.
- Don't go through the private door at the Toby Carvery, unless you want to know the secret of all the meats (the mega-meat beast who pisses hot gravy and shits meatballs for the Italian down the road).
- Ben did not pay extra for his pigs in blankets at carvery 1, but got given 6 anyway.
- Long black hair good for ghosts, very rarely do ghosts have a bob, wolf cut, mullet or "the Rachel".
- Back to "The Woman in Black". Heavy spoilers. Who hires an actor for a 2 hour anecdote with an interval? If you see the ghost you're fucked. No actor is listed playing the ghost in the programme (this is because Rupert Grint was doing it as a favour). You can't prove you've been in "The Woman in Black". Big scene at the end of the Daniel Radcliffe film version where he is fighting Orcas.
- The ghost character (Rupert Grint with the face of a goat) has been behind Ben for the whole record (you can't watch it online).
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- The Great Northern Beanhead mails in. Inspired by a Bean-recorded advert for Magistrates, they had applied and are now one. The Beans describe what a magistrate is, 'glamourous' crimes (such as jewel theft or adding supernumerary nipples to Greek statues) and being sentenced to death for vaping custard gas in court. The Great Northern Beanhead swears that they will deliver Bean Justice, and for anyone in the Yorkshire area there is a 20% sentence-length discount by saying pompidou during the closing remarks. The Beans discuss the Judge's closing remarks, or "little bollocking" and whether you can make moonshine custard vapes in prison.
- Jonathan, Bremen is putting himself forward as the most radioactive listener as he failed the test to exit the Chernobyl exclusion zone. He was advised to wipe his shoes, which he had kept for years as his "lucky shoes".
- Samantha, Max and Gracie from Pontypridd. 9 year old Gracie has covered the house in Bean doodles, including one of Count Mikeula, Henry Potter and the majestic Ben Beauty. This is superb work from Gracie, and there is discussion about recruiting someone more reliable for the artwork.
¶ Jingles
- 9.30 - Bean Machine
- 36.22 - Emails
- 49.39 - Jesse's Modern metal version of the Patreon jingle
- 54.02 - John's Garage closing theme
¶ Bollockings
No bollockings this week.
¶ Notable Quotes
- "Someone lasciviously caressing a parsnip in the kitchens"
- "All the meats"
- "You're not serving my grandma mate you're serving a maaans man"
- "It's the Toby Carvery chicken pig!"
- "I once saw a film that freaked me out so much, a horror film, that I - um - couldn't leave my brother's flat, and I had to spend the night there, fully clothed, I couldn't take my clothes off!”
- "A child with the face of a goat!"
- “Goats are famously inscrutable"
- "Two-tone Tony and his two tonne todger"
- "A goat with the face of a different goat"
- "It's all the meats in one animal, we've created the mega-meat beast". "His name is Toby!"
- "Have you paid the bacon tithe?"
- "very rarely see a ghost rocking 'the Rachel' either"
- "I quite often mistake boredom for not understanding-dom"
- "It's Rupert Grint with the face of a goat!"
- "Nine?! Brace yourself, brace yourself Henry!"
- "I smell of custard all the time"
- "When I said "sorry I'm just vaping custard gas" they heard "I'm doing mustard gas""
- "icing on the cake bollocking"
- "radioactive flying wolves"
- "I'll take a Grammy nom"
- "Is this garage? Is it always like this?"
- 🎵 "clickety clack, rhythmic, crabsticks" 🎵
- "Is garage always like that? Does it always feature us three?"
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Jesse has provided a modern metal version of the jingle. He's been a Listener since day 1, which is the first day of the "vibes based" Beanian calendar.
- Complementing each other's dogs night (one of Mike's favourites)
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- John from Bremencaster with a UK garage version (the premium greasy pretzel shard garage remix).
- Henry doesn't know what garage or R'n'B are. Email in if you are a Grammy award winning (or nominated) artist.