¶ Opening Chat
- Pam chilling out: Mike patting her creates a resonant sound. Henry has an ancient, primordial reaction to it. ASMR perversion: moustachioed man eating barbecue crisps. Pam licking herself all over is a soundscape (direct into the mic). Ben found it disgusting. Henry was reminded of Dune 2. Pam's stellar but brief career in ASMR.
- Misophonia: Henry knows someone with it so can't go to the cinema with him (Henry's tendancy to clean himself with his tongue during the trailers). Mike knows someone who can't catch a train without getting into an argument because of it.
- Ben saw "Anatomy of a Fall" at the cinema yesterday (huge yaysay). Mike hasn't seen it cos it doesn't have Bruce Willis in it. "The Piano" and "Manon des Sources" Bruce Willis cuts (just his head poking out of a glove compartment). Ben missed the first 15–20 mins (a cardinal sin to Henry). Missed Chekov's seagull.
- Henry fell out with a friend who he went to see the OG Keaton "Batman" with, age 12, at a Hampstead cinema that is now a M&S (progress in Exeter). He also fell out with the guy (Sven Porridge) in Paris, when he slagged off Paris. Henry thinks anyone paid up to an experience must not slag it off while everyone is doing it (Ben totally agrees, Mike finds the loophole: free art gallery).
- Pam vocalises when the Beans mention modern art. Mike has trained her to take down anyone with a beret, unless they're doing funny caricatures. Sometimes his wife will have been part of the art, as Damien Hirst in a durational, experiential art piece.
- Henry aged 20 worked in Paris in the university holidays, staying in Place des Abbesses in Montmartre (Mike: great chase scene down those steps) with bleak Pigalle at the bottom of the hill. Henry tries to find it when he goes back, but he never can (cos it's now a C&A).
- Henry's Paris flat had the smallest toilet/shower he'd ever seen (Ben imagines turds coming out of the shower when Henry flushes the loo; a perfectly circular system). Eddie Izzard played a gig while Henry was living there (Pam barks at this, as Izzard is the arty end of comedy). He could leave the story (just an account) there, but he goes on to tell the part that involves turds: no loo roll in Izzard's venue (What do you do? with Henry Paker). Henry could have flambéed it off, reduced it, bain marie'd it. He gambled on it being one he wouldn't need to wipe (happens for Ben one in 100,000 times – very special). He used his underwear, not his sleeve.
- Henry's friend Sven refused to hurry to get to the train because he had a 'holiday pace' that he walked at (this is the backstory to how Henry is now such a rigorous timekeeper).
- Ben was 20 mins late so decided to read the Wikipedia plot summary as they rushed from the car to the cinema ("what a splendid way to enjoy cinema"). Henry struggles with this. Ben misses the titular fall, putting himself in the point of view of the juror, hacking the movie and making it better. A quiet film with only 4 crème-de-la-art patrons in (asymmetric hair, tiny glasses – this sets Pam off barking again – furry dice hanging off their forehead, one trouser leg is a grandfather clock, wearing all black), serious people but Ben wanted to eat his picnic of popcorn, Magnums and a chicken sandwich from Tesco – needed to open the packets during film but do you open them slowly or quickly (no helicopter explosions) – need huge finger pressure to control the slow method.
¶ Topic Chat
- The olive is the traditional bedfellow of the continental meat, the simple dance, richly symbolic.
- Olives took 500 years to break down the British palate. Ben's strong take: Ham is the British olives.
- Romans set fire to olive groves, clusterfucking the local community's ability to have cheese and wine dos and book launches.
- A medieval person would think a witch lives inside the olive. Children know that olives are a crap food (the yield is small, the taste is foul).
- Green or black? Mike: black (an intense, man's olive / 80s pizza olive that he will eat around). Henry leans towards the green (black is too bitter, like coffee). On your death bed in Italy/Greece, you're given the final bitter olive. If you recover, you're bludgeoned to death with olive branches (ironically, as a symbol of peace – they also use doves and the pipes of peace).
- Live olives: Ben = Lidl Meadow Fresh Olive Trio (Henry challenges the concept of 'meadow fresh' as he thinks an olive is pickled/treated in some way). Call for olive farmers to clarify this and give the Beans a Pompidou discount in Puglia. Ben once saw, on holiday in Greece, an olive farmer beating the trees with a massive paddle and olives falling out (similar thing when they come to the UK and see the pigs falling out, "a lovely sight"). Henry = a jar of kalamata purple olives. Mike = jar of black pitted + jar of black kalamon + tin of green manzanilla picante + small jar of black olive tapenade. Mike has won "What's in Your Olive Cupboard?".
- The Beans all eat some olives and it's misophonia time again. Makes Henry want to fight Achilles, put on a winged headdress and slaughter some priestesses, because the oracle decreed it, then later have it off with a swan and beget a demigod (head and body of a human but the neck (and intellect) of a swan).
- Ben's review: Tastes like a cheap buffet at a work's event. Mike's review: Abandoned buffet section of European continental breakfast buffet. Henry is on the Plains of Troy / Mike and Ben are at the photocopier.
- Henry's Turkish heritage means he enjoys the combo of black olives + feta cheese + tomatoes. Basil is okay, but not dill (it's not a salmon roll). Greek salad is a once a week lunch for Ben, but he doesn't like cucumber because his teenage pet (African Land Snails) ate it in a gross way. Between 12–13 was the turning point where he realised they were gross and living in his bedroom: Bonjamin origin? The snails hibernated but never woke up. Or did they pull off the greatest escape story in modern times? Alan Davies played the priest. Did the snails escape and go up Ben's nostrils? Are they controlling his brain?
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Dr Jacob: The Banality of Evil... Cruelty by Inattention... oblique bureaucracy... on a par with the Beans jigsaw puzzle. A doctorate in advanced jigsaw-ology and despair-ology.
¶ Jingles
- Digestive Tract Talk (14:19)
- Bean Machine (23:48)
- Emails (42:15)
- Reflecto-bollock (46:17 & 50:30)
- Patreon jingle from Jez/Jess and Evie (and father-in-law Mr Geoffrey Stott (who opened the first video rental shop in Huddersfield in 1982) and his Honda's reversing noise) (51:35)
¶ Bollockings
- Raph listened to Assassinations and takes issue with Henry saying his teenage heaven was '17th-century Bach'. Bach's earliest compositions were from 1703/1704 (18th century). Henry was talking about Bach the Elder (his great-uncle), the Lude Lutester. Henry reflecto-bollocks the Baroque Bach Bollock: it's not clear which century is 17th/18th because we start from Year Zero (impossible to know if you've got ten of anything because are you counting the first one or not?). Also, things on telly from the 80s feel like the 70s and things from the early 90s feel like the late 80s: intersectional decade bleed.
- Nicholas has a wallop of a bollock for Mike re fenestrating an orca (putting a window in). Mike'll stick a window in an orca and send it back to its family as a deterrent. Do register the Velux though. Mike reflecto/rejecto bollock as words are his weapons so it's madness to think he would mis-speak.
¶ Notable Quotes
- A sandworm suckling its young in a scene too disgusting to make it into the final film.
- It's on the arthouse circuit, Mike, so don't worry about it.
- If it hasn't got Bruce Willis in it, then you can "Fuck off", is the very clear policy from the County Council.
- Nor was it his sister, I'm-Just-Going-To-Have-Some-Marmalade-On-Toast-Thanks Sven.
- (woof woof) Shhh, he'll stop talking about art soon, sorry.
- Just you and clod upon clod of sopping-wet bog roll.
- It's so cruel the way we skewer Mike in this way, and completely unfounded, but I'm still all-in if everyone else is.
- I made a deal with the devil that night: a clean anus, but at what cost?
- Long story short... I had to take off my underwear and use that to wipe my bottom with.
- Ben, can you, for the love of god, get this story out?!
- You try and do a book launch without olives.
- We're playing: What's In Your Olive Cupboard?
- This is what happens when you don't know, but feel the need to speak.
- Nobody wants a loveless buffet.
- In a way, people are snails aren't they, just without shells and they've learned to put on shirts. They're just feet that keep going all the way up.
- A classic 'locked Perspex case mystery'.
- I'd go back to the uncle stuff and give it another listen and then keep it to yourself, don't get in touch again, thank you very much.
- Mike'll double-glaze your ass. He'll stick a window in ya!
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Plug for Film Corner 'Dune 2' edition on Patreon, which the Beans insist is different from other film podcasts because they wait for the buzz on a film to die down, but not long enough for it to be interesting again.
- Queue to get in recently.
- Non-obscene Grecian Urns Night (51 patrons)
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Graham/Graeme in Florida sends in a boomwhacker version (plastic tubes of varying lengths)