¶ Opening Chat
- Henry starts with a correction regarding a previous episode to avoid becoming a "node of disinformation". Is a node a gland, or a geographical nipple? Henry talks about his Greek salad recipe from "Olives" and how he discussed using the wrong herb by saying dill (it's actually mint). Henry went into attack mode when Mike and Ben challenged this at the time (back arching, poison squirting out of his eyes, rattling Adam's apple, emitting sonar).
- Henry feels he has a natural understanding of herbs. The Beans play "Pair This Herb" and Henry pairs all of the herbs with egg. Chervil leaves him stumped. Mike suggests cannabis, which Ben would pair with a tube of Pringles and Fight Club on DVD.
- Ben suggests oregano - Henry feels this would be wrong in a Greek salad, Ben thinks it is the taste of a Greek holiday.
- Discussion about the Simon and Garfunkel song "Scarborough Fair" and the pronunciation of rosemary. Provincial farmer's markets are more likely to have someone selling a bag of mixed kidneys / a pack of pants / batteries that claim to be Duracell rather than pulled pork calzones.
- Discussion about "Lady in Red" by Chris De Burgh - another song where pronunciation of words is changed to scan better. The song is actually about the kidney seller at Scarborough Fair. If Chris De Burgh had been a scouser the rhymes would have worked. He was born in Argentina.
- Henry doesn't know the Chris De Burgh Christmas song "A Spaceman Came Travelling", which claims Jesus came from space. Henry talks about how space-themed songs are good for British artists to gain credibility. For example, David Bowie's "Starman" (not "Spaceman" as Henry calls it), "Rocketman" by Elton John, "Spaceman" by Babylon Zoo (which Henry inaccurately says did well at Eurovision (actually "Spaceman" by Sam Ryder)).
- Henry sings "Walking On The Moon" by The Police. To recreate Sting's voice you just put a Geordie in a bin.
- The crash noise in "The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel was actually Alan Shearer in a bin being kicked in the kidneys. Shearer sold his soul to Paul Simon in order to become the greatest striker ever. The man in space is actually Goebbels.
- Discussion about "Rocketman" by Elton John lyrics. Elton John locked Tim Rice (and others, including Sue Goebbels, Goebbels' great niece) in a room until they wrote him a space song. Bernie Taupin in the end came up with the song.
- Is "Rocketman" actually about heroin? They go through the lyrics and critique them, as well as discuss how they might relate to heroin. Discussion about raising kids on Mars / marrying a horse. Is "Rocketman" actually an advert for Elton John's moon nanny business?
¶ Topic Chat
- Is St Louis pronounced St Loo-ey or St Loo-is? Ben recently watched "Meet Me In St Louis" (in glorious technicolor!). Henry sings "Old Man River" from "Show Boat" (in glorious technicolor?). Henry likes "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers", although it's problematic. He sings "Bless Your Beautiful Hide" and it turns out he has the perfect "Mississippi bass", which is something to fall back on.
- Henry feels, as one of the Metropolitan elite, he should know about wine, but he doesn't. Mike's wine knowledge comes from the film "Sideways", even though he quite likes Merlot.
- Ben is "Mr Wine" on holiday. He recalls being in a wine pub on holiday and being able to taste the described tasting notes for the wines he was served. Different tastes are created by mixing different ratios of Ribena and goat piss.
- Henry can't tell the difference between good and bad wine. Ben suggests that the distinction is whether it tastes good, but this is difficult for Henry and the pressure to pick the right wine to go with the dill, whilst being watched by Clare Balding, is high. It is hard when you've grown up under the harsh lights of M&M World and are now part of the London social scene. Does Henry actually like wine or would he rather have a Corona?
- Re-inventing the pub in a church by turning the wine into sangria, changing the wafers to wasabi peas, replacing the organ with a jukebox, and putting Gerald and his wife into a cage (naked).
- The Beans get drunk quite easily on wine. Comparison of the way Brits drink wine (getting hammered) compared to the French way of drinking wine (more sensible). They can talk about this as Henry is a massive Francophile. Wine does not feel intrinsic to British culture.
- Discussion about "mummy having her glass of wine" / " prosecco o'clock" etc. Grim and gendered. As wine is viewed as more sophisticated, does this make it an excuse to drink?
- Ben can tell the vintage of a Hyundai i10 just by sniffing it and drinking the liquid collected in the footwells.
- The size of a wine glass in the UK is "bonkers". It takes so long to pour a glass of wine that you can describe the entire plot of "Total Recall" before it has finished pouring.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Ondre from the Czech Republic has recorded "Rumplestiltskin" in Czech and Henry finds it terrifying, in a sinister circus kind of way. Henry discussing the difficulties of dating in a time where you would kiss a maiden and it would turn into a wolf.
- Jake has also drilled his hand whilst listening to the podcast. The podcast needs new warnings about this.
- Sam is missing the index finger on his left hand. It is indeed a talking point, and great for the magic missing finger trick. As a tree surgeon, his colleagues do not view it as a badge of honour.
- Nick sliced off the top of his finger (with an unfamiliar vegetable peeler) whilst listening to Nell's story about drilling through her hand. Listeners should no longer be listening unless they are wearing chainmail.
¶ Jingles
- 31.00 - Spicy Lemon Heroin Song (not strictly a jingle, but felt important to include)
- 31.16 - Bean Machine
- 35.22 - Crab Bell
- 39.41 - The Glamorous London Life of Henry Paker
- 50.42 - Emails
- 56.50 - Listener Bollocking of the Week
- 58.24 - Bollocking Accepted
- 58.35 - Patreon
¶ Bollockings
- Multiple emails correcting Henry on his assumption that losing a little finger would be a minor inconvenience, as the little finger is responsible for a third of grip strength (it would be better to lose the ring finger).
¶ Notable Quotes
- "A truth gland"
- "It's my one Achilles herb"
- "That's the ingredients for a great evening in isn't it? Couple of herbs, couple of girls, and time"
- "Son of Hitler? It's possible"
- "We've gone from derth to girth, I would argue here, in terms of examples"
- " It's none of your software, they're shipping in Geordies"
- 🎵 "Im a spicy lemon with the head of a moose, look at my shoes, they look like a goose" 🎵
- "Oooh drugs"
- "Welcome to 'Behind the Heroin Lyrics' with Henry Smacker"
- "Elton John - Moon Nanny"
- "As opposed to Nova Scotia, which is turning heads left, right and centre on Piccadilly"
- "It means your lorry's nice and floppy"
- "Sort of the pi of names"
- "Come on everyone, safety first please"
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- The Annual Puffin Hunt (hunting Sean Bean's welded metal puffin statuette, not a real puffin)
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Connor's 8th submission. Including AI Mike to take Henry on a guitar journey. It reminds Henry of being on a ferry where there was vomit everywhere.