¶ Opening Chat
- Euros (the European football tournament) fever has gripped the Beans. Mike has £5 riding on Slovakia in his local sweepstake (horrific events would have to happen for Slovakia to have a chance, for example cutting off bridges to Spain or making a Pyrenees jelly mould).
- Henry does not know what a sweepstake is. Ben associates such with boring office jobs. Exeter is the urban equivalent of an office job (also politically a “red blip” surrounded by blue).
- Ben totally bought into the Ed Davies’ (leader of the Liberal Democrats) election campaign – full of “wacky dad” activities that Mike does on a weekend, such as zumba-ing into a body of water full of turds, and bringing in tuition fees for students.
- Is vaping associated with teenagers? Ben doesn’t think so. Mike explains that vaping is core to modern UK education, and that secondary schools stink of mango. Teenagers would probably vape a Muller Corner if they could. The Beans discuss how they feel out of touch with the younger generations.
- Mike has recently done an “inspirational” speech for school leavers (Henry asks if it was about how he “kicked smack”). Mike can’t remember much about it, but said he did mention booze and drugs, and that genital herpes is incurable. Even a premium, bio yoghurt won’t cure it (it might take your mind off it) but a locally sourced Greek yoghurt will offer 100% protection.
- The Beans hypothesise that Mike went on stage, doing a tosser sign to the headteacher, dismissing authority, pushing the podium over, calling students “dweebs” and making people cry. Smoking a blunt (well a piece of A4 paper rolled into a conical shape) throughout. At the end put up a trestle table and sold merch.
- Henry is still waiting for the call to give an inspirational speech at his school. Probably hasn’t happened because he is a “counter cultural” voice and that they can’t find him (even though he still lives in the same area).
- Back to sweepstakes. Henry has never been involved in fantasy football either. Mike and Ben invite Henry to one of their sweepstake(s), so Henry can engage in sweepstake chat like he has a Kafka-esque job. They decide on going for the last 4 teams in the Euros at £1 each. Henry doesn’t realise it is selected at random, or that there is photocopying of buttocks with Bratislava. Henry gets The Netherlands, Ben gets France, Mike gets England and Pam gets Spain (she might win £4, which she is likely to eat and shit out, lovely and shiny).
¶ Topic Chat
- Is Rowan spelt like the excellent trousers by Rohan? (Henry is confused). Ben recently almost bought such trousers, but decided it was too middle-aged. Henry discusses the versatility of these trousers, and although they can’t be worn to an awards do Ben won’t have to worry about that.
- Henry apologises that this is too harsh, saying he feels deeply hurt by not being invited to give a speech at his old school. Ben and Mike will have to create a school and employ 200 children to sit during Henry’s speech (will have to train up new actors as the previously employed ones are now themselves approaching middle-age).
- Henry suggests they create a bogus Sixth Form. Mike has reservations as that is “top tier”. Maybe borstal or a primary school would be better - Henry can do his “funny little drawings”. Henry goes on a rant about his “silly little drawings”, saying he could do a big serious drawing of a funeral / Spanish Civil War on a wall (“Henry’s Guernica”) as ambitious revenge graffiti; on Ben’s house drawing “a simple cock and balls”, with the marks of herpes, spunking. Ben didn’t know that herpes was uncurable / incurable / discurable until today.
- Have the Beans discussed Boats before? Is a canoe a boat? Mike has no new or hot takes on canoes. Mike lives in an area where many people believe the answer to sorting out their life is to buy a canoe. It happens at that point in life where there are two options- second secret family or buy a canoe.
- The Beans discuss the pros and cons of both. Can you secretly marry into the Royals. Logistically, helps if the family are on the same bus route. You spend time with each family by telling the other you are doing a “really big dump” for 2 to 2 and a half hours. Both wives need to be called Barbara. You can cover getting the name wrong by turning it into a Beach Boys song. Crucially, you have to do your dumps in a special bag in the Volvo. You need a Volvo for each family, and a secret third burner Volvo. You have to replace this Volvo everyday – do you get it brand new or second hand? If you have husbands, make sure they are both ideally called Bobero. There are same sex opportunities too – just make sure they both have the same name. At night, you need to make a cushion version of yourself with hair glued on in “the right places”. This can become a problem if your wife starts to take more of a shine to this version of you. After all, he has a canoe, is aspirational and he doesn’t buy a new Volvo everyday. Henry suggests the marriage would then be “null and volvoid” – Ben likes it, Mike thinks it sounds like robot space vaginas. Henry makes a joke about not being able to find the “clitotron device”.
- Ben interjects with an email regarding the “Barbara” song they made a few episodes ago. There is a German rap song about rhubarb which Ben hates, saying that rap and the German language do not work. John and his kids recorded the Barbara song in the car, his 2 year old doing a particularly good job. At the end of the recording John has to take a phone call, which Henry says will be from Social Services as one of the kids was clearly driving the car.
- When Ben was a kid he was entered into a kayak race down the Brecon Canal. Ben has no upper body strength (he can only eat food with paper cutlery or in a trough). The pig paradox – a pig does have arms because if it had two pairs of legs it would have two arses. “Four Legs One Anus” was the name of Ben’s university sketch group (he was anus) alongside Sue Barker and Ryan Gosling. Gosling was at university as he was deep undercover getting ready to play Sue Barker interviewing Andy Murray on his retirement from professional tennis. Sue Barker has actually been dead since 1967. If you win an Oscar you find out if you are playing Sue Barker for the next year or not.
- Back to Ben in the trough – if he starts making noise (not with his arms of course) he needs to be removed or he will perish in the gravy. Easy to remove as he is as close to a marionette as a human can be. One cannot make gravy, you need to collect it or summon it from the meat forests. Ben struggled in the kayak race, everyone else had finished about half an hour earlier. This is when Ben realised he had low upper body strength and low self esteem, but lots of malevolence.
Carrie's rat with perfectly lit strawberry
¶ Emails
- John's Barbara email read out earlier during the topic chat.
- Ira (not Ira Glass) has sent an image of a bookshelf full of Robert Ludlum books including "The Icarus Agenda", "The Acquitane Progression", "The Matlock Paper", "The Gemini Contenders"and "The Road to Omaha" (which doesn't follow the typical title structure).
- Carrie has sent in pictures of her pet rats eating strawberries, in the hope of the Beans finding them cute. The strawberry is beautifully lit, it could be in the window of a Sainsbury's (apart from the rat on top of it).
- John Robins, comedian and podcasting royalty, has sent a voice note. He saw a poster of a film with Jesse Plemons in a cinema, he thought that Plemons had been made up by the Beans. Devastating news for Jesse Plemons and his PR team though.
- Finbar emails a picture from the dictionary of the adjective "jumentous" - relating to, or smelling of, horse piss (as discussed in "My Hot Air Balloon Ride"). Henry talks of the pitfalls of knowing words others don't know the meaning to. The Beans and the listeners are now all jumentous people.
¶ Jingles
- 5.08 – We Are Politically Neutral
- 21.37 – Bean Machine
- 41.53 – Emails
- 49.30 - Listener Bollocking of the Week
- 54.14 - Reflecto-bollock
- 57.15 - Patreon
¶ Bollockings
- Henry previously claimed that Sue Barker and David Seaman had never met. This was a bold claim. Claire / Clare has receipts of the two meeting on "A Question of Sport". Henry was obviously enjoying the cultural highlights of London to miss these. Mike thinks Claire should be a police detective. Henry thinks "A Question of Sport" is "aggressively turgid". Henry reflecto-bollocks this as being on a sports quiz is not the same as a meeting of minds or souls (or making yourself vulnerable by having nipple flaps on your shirt and giving the other person pliers).
¶ Notable Quotes
- "That many fivers. I mean that kind of maths is impossible.”
- “This podcast is a politically neutral podcast.” “On behalf of the Liberal Democrats”.
- “The UK’s secondary schools stink of mango all the time”
- “We’ve always spoken about this podcast like if people take anything away from it, it’s the fact that genital herpes is still incurable guys”
- “It’s not that I’m not liked”
- “You can’t wear them to an awards do but I don’t think that’s going to be a problem”.
- "It’s time to unlock the Academy protocol Ben”
- “They’re not little drawings! Some of the drawings are big, some of them are medium, some of them are small depending on what’s needed from the client. Fuck off all of you!”
- “Spunking? Yyeeess”.
- “I think I very much tow the line when it comes to sort of canoe thinking”
- “I’m sorry Barbara I think I’ve got to do a really big dump”
- “I’ve created a comical device, for the love of Christ”
- “It sounded like, erm, like a sort of robotic space vagina, er, if you'll excuse me”
- “I could fight them if only I could find this bloody clitotron device, I don’t know where it is!” “Oh no”. “Sweet jesus”.
- “I don’t think Germans should rap”
- “Four legs one anus, it’s impossible”
- “Of course you can’t make gravy, it’s collected”
- "The tail is too pinky pinky"
- "I don't want the jumentous crowd"
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- "Victorian Street Urchins Come Free" night.
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Lee's ska two-tone inspired "Three Bean Beat" version.