¶ Opening Chat
- It was Ben's birthday yesterday! Henry and Mike sing "Happy Bonjoday" to him, in a sultry, Marilyn Monroe fashion. Henry adds on "until the skies cry with blood" (Marilyn didn't sing this bit for JFK).
- Ben talks about the famous Marilyn Monroe wind up skirt moment. This is difficult to achieve with chinos. Henry talks about the bulbous swelling in your trunks on holiday. After a conversational detour, it is clarified this is not a boner or a trapped guff, but the bubble that happens under your shorts. Mike has never had this experience because he wears valved, skin tight leather trousers (like an eel).
- Nothing can be perfect, for example a British Shorthair (beautiful flattened-Chalamet face, horrific discharging anal glands / claws) and a restaurant (huge buckets of mayonnaise out the back). All the senses are just types of smell. It's a Newtonian balance. You must never see what's behind the back at a gallery. In the Louvre each painting is connected to the toilets and turds are sent straight to the back of paintings.
- French restaurateurs woo people by serenading them with gelatin, by playing the different frequencies of wobble. It's how Mike met his wife.
- Snorkeling and mixing up anenomes and sea urchins (which are pure malevolence and guaranteed death).
- Discussion of Ben's lost year hanging out with Northern Irish eels. You can't tag an eel but you can put it in a bucket.
- Ben has never eaten an eel. Mike has. Jellied eels and pickled eggs are nice phrases to say, but not to eat.
- Ben's Saab broke down yesterday, but the AA responded quickly when they believed that a beautiful Scandinavian woman had broken down by the side of the road. The disappointment was palpable as they found Ben wearing a "I'm 38 today" badge with a bucket of eels (is it a sex game?).
- Saab parts are difficult to find, so Ben has to create his own out of marzipan.
- Ben also experienced travel chaos due to Taylor Swift playing in Cardiff. The day before yesterday Ben saw the first person in the Taylor Swift queue. The Beans have not wanted to be at the front of anything enough to camp and queue, and risk getting pissed on. Discussion about piss dynamics.
- Ben very good at dehydrating himself "to the point of death" so he wouldn't have to piss on the bus between Cardiff and London. Hugh Jackman does something similar (the Megabus journey helps him get angry enough for the role). Hugh Jackman dehydrates himself for the "icing on the bod-cake" to increase definition around muscles (including the spanderinos). The effect is that you look like a vacuum-packed bag of eels. You can just do the dehydration, so you can still get the icing, just on a very, very bad cake.
- Ben saw the trailer for "Wolverine meets Deadpool" (actually called "Deadpool & Wolverine"), and it was disappointing- the nadir, the bumplex of world culture.
- Ben went to the cinema to watch the "Lord Of The Rings" films (extended editions) over the course of the weekend. Ben has spent longer focussing on Lord of the Rings than the general election. Henry executes a switcheroo about the Conservative manifesto. Ben went to the cinema on his own. Everyone was there on their own. Henry and Mike launch into a bit about buying tickets for Lord Of The Rings. This includes buying spare tickets for your Star Wars toy, buying Baby Yoda pick'and'mix, sputum bowls, vinyl ponchos, ointment, verruca socks that fit over a face and arse boils. Of course this was all inaccurate as you would ask for your ticket in Elvish and the ticket would be delivered to you via crow.
¶ Topic Chat
- Cody was a character on Neighbours, who was shot during a duck hunt. This caused the barbecue to start early, with prawns that had taken on her life force.
- The Beans aren't painting the Sistine Chapel, they are painting the Forth Bridge. You need a broad brush for such. The brush has a novelty handle. Henry would like a pen with a woman in a bikini, but when you turn it upside down it dresses her as a High Court Judge, or a very qualified scientist. Mike says that this will be a great relief to society.
- Ben thinks the feudal system, with no property and being given a bit of land, sounds quite good. The feudal system was like a pyramid scheme.
- What would the Beans have been like as knights?
- Sir Henry would have been the Bardic Poet Knight, bedding wenches and wives (a court rascal), armour covered in self-drawn cartoons (this impresses the wenches). Often handing out geraniums at jousting sessions.
- Sir Bonjamin would be vicious, riding upon a pig (his best friend) called Sir Hogsley (Hoggsley). Helmet shaped like a crow's dick, black armour, sword with spiky bits on. As he is so low to the ground he jousts upwards, claiming your balls. First person to introduce jalapeños to Medieval England, so not all bad. During a battle, Hogsley will attack the hog roast (he doesn't like it). The hog roast is the only source of conflict between Sir Bonjamin and Hogsley, as Ben does like a hog roast ("a delicious tension"). Hogsley is a deep sleeper so sometimes Ben will use a motorised knife (like in a kebab shop) to take slices off Hogsley. To cover this up, Hogsley has become more mechanised ("he's more wagon than hog!"). Eventually Hogsley eats Ben. Hogsley goes around telling this story to audiences, before devouring them.
- Sir Michael would be the "massively cuckholded king". His wife is constantly having sex with Sir Hogsley (better than what she has at home). Henry talks about grabbing Sir Hogsley's hog cogs, and Mike manages to make this conversation even lewder. Discussion about Sir Hogsley ejaculating hot mead. Mike finds being cast in this way "disappointing, but thems the breaks". King Mike is having a tough time - might get cancelled for being into samurai culture, obsessed with irrigation.
- Lots of bird training ("life is like a kestrel"). Sir Henry would have a peregrine falcon and a glove puppet of a crow, Sir Bonjomin a dysentery-riddled crow. King Mike would have a barn owl - actually a gift from the Spanish King but it turned out to be a spy and kept giving him bad advice. His peregrine falcon keeps going and shagging Sir Hogsley rather than sending messages.
- The King has a tough job. Henry VIII was Sir Hogsley in King form. History split into good kings (boring) and evil kings (Ben wants to know about the king who set fire to Chester on a whim).
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- The Witchcraft and Vagrancy's horror folk version of the email jingle is played. It feels like the music from a sepia-shot trailer for a Sir Hogsley film.
- Gerald worked with, and dated, a Babs in 2004. She is around 41 now. Mike likes the idea that there was a couple called Gerald and Babs in the early noughties.
- Rose's best friend lives in Denmark, and his 2 year old daughter goes to nursery with a Barbara.
- Lauren emails in with the origins of the name Barbara (Greek, from Barbarian, meaning foreign). St Barbara was the patron saint of those fearing violent deaths at work, gunpowder, artillery, mining and explosions. Her mum's cousin Barbara stole her mums coat, later became a nun but had to leave due to un-nunlike behaviour.
- Colin has listened to the Beans in the Galapagos. He sent a photo of him playing the farming episode to 2 giant tortoises. In the picture the tortoises are banging - did they start after hearing the Beans? Henry overreacts to Colin's description of his voice as shrill squeaks. Colin also played the podcast on Machu Picchu, and proposed to girlfriend Natalie. The Beans suggest sticking to a chocolate fountain and local DJ for the wedding, rather than an Inca-style wedding with ritualistic sacrifices.
¶ Jingles
- 09.55 - Eel
- 23.23 - The Old Switcheroo
- 26.58 - Bean Machine
- 27.35 - Cody
- 32.08 - The Old Satire-eroo
- 43.54 - Lewd Content Warning
- 49.18 - The Tale of Sir Bonjamin (not a jingle, but felt important to note)
- 51.28 - Emails (horror folk version sent in by The Witchcraft and Vagrancy Act)
- 1.02.38 - Patreon (Elizabeth from Louisiana's version)
¶ Bollockings
- No bollockings this week.
¶ Notable Quotes
- "Do not help yourself to the finger buffet until I finish the gelatin serenade"
- "i'm talking about your first holiday boner"
- 🎵 "although most things fall outside his scope, cause he's a fish and he's a rope" 🎵
- "it's a complex sort of piss steeplechase"
- "it's the icing on the bod cake"
- "we've reached the bumplex of world culture"
- "Ben, everybody in that cinema was on their own"
- "one for me and one for me Star Wars toy"
- "I'm going to get some fizzy Razzles, would you like some pick'and'mix Baby Yoda? Not too much cause you've still got your Baby Yoda milk teeth"
- "Are we allowed to put ointment on in the auditorium, is it ok, or do I have to go to the toilets?"
- "the prawns have taken on her life force!"
- "it might be a broad brush but it's a hell of a wall"
- "ooh he's really good at cartoons, mmm, methinks I'll bed him"
- "they say he rides upon a pig!"
- 🎵 "I'm prancing to the left, I've got your balls, I'm prancing to the right, I've got your balls, gonna feed your balls to Hogsley, gonna feed your balls to Hogsley right now"🎵
- "It is I, Sir Hogsley, I have been telling you this tale! I'm a fully mechanised pig!"
- "you thought jalapeños were going to shake things up"
- "I've got the violent intent of a hog and the morality of a wagon so you're all fucked"
- "so you're saying that Mike is a king, whose wife is constantly having sex with a hog?"
- "what, cause you'll cum harder?"
- "yeah, you'll jizz hot mead harder"
- "that was one of the last technological advances I put into Hogsley before he devoured me, which was making him cum hot mead"
- "I fight in the name of Michael, the cuckold King!"
- 🎵 "and thus is the tale of Sir Bonjamin" 🎵
- "I've got my beige tie stuck in the toaster again Babs!"
- "Have we aroused giant tortoises?"
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- "Draw me like one of your French girls" night, with special guest Leonardo Di Caprio
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Ted's Channel 4 News inspired version