¶ Opening Chat
- Ben is now Emperor of the Skies and gravity holds no dominion (unlike for the crust crawlers). Because hot propane is now funnelled up his arse, the Bean Machine now floats. Blue flames now come out of Ben's eyes (disconcerting).
- Ben's hot air balloon ride came about after the Bristol Live Show (Bristol: where everyone knows about hot air balloons).
- The Beans' listeners are effete power-mongers (Cardinal Richlelieu types) and the Beans are just shaved, greased ferrets in a bag. They come out before the fools (who are properly trained). Stanislavski's Law of the Shaved Ferret: get the cat everyone is looking at off the stage with a bag full of three shaved, greased ferrets.
- The ferrets will ultimately be cancelled and (1) run for Reform UK; (2) do GB News; and (3) enter the clergy/premature death/invent an amazing biscuit.
- Ben asks: what is the most recent biscuit in the Biscuit Pantheon? Ben posits: Wagon Wheel. Henry offers: Oreos (redolent of 50s America). Are Choco Leibniz new or have they been around since Napoleon (the Battle of Leibniz: each bump around the biscuit represents the head of an Ottoman general)? Mike tells the others that growing up in Provincial England, the Choco Leibniz denotes aspirational high status (checkmate in the brand-new Peugot standoff). Oreos' "creamy" (heavy quotation marks from Henry, who is available for voiceover work) bit is too white and the black is too black (desaturated like in the evil kingdom scenes in 'Dune 2'). Turns out Wagon Wheels date from 1948 when Westerns were big news. Mike's go-to biscuit is the custard cream (see biscuits) which he would like to see in a club sandwich, triple-decker format. The colour palette of a custard cream makes one think of milkmaids, farmers, in the human realm, as well as being a Victorian biscuit of power. Do the Mars/Galaxy biscuit experiments last?
- Nostalgia biscuits (never go back): Henry bought some Blue Riband (Mike: lunchbox staple) and was angry at how disappointing they were. Mike tells Henry this is because he has self-spoiled with too many treats: double/triple/quadra-choc. The history of biscuits has already been written.
- Big soft cookies in a greasy bag from the late 90s, possibly from Ben's Cookies (smallest possible units and a huge queue). Ben saw one recently in Lille with a bigger queue than the actual boulangeries and patisseries (do they use queue stooges (queueges?)?).
- Henry's local market (giant wok/mega-paella) has a couple of falafel stands – always one with a huge queue and one with no one at it. Mice should not work in kitchens because of zero cloacal continence. Ben's garden strawberries are being eaten by mice only when they are perfectly ripe (Henry: "awww", but horrific if a rat or beaver), possibly becoming a crusade for him for the next 10 years and ending in an interview on 'BBC Breakfast' in which Ben hits the mice with a mallet (the interview then has to go out post-watershed).
- Henry asks if the balloon story can wait till next week because he wants to explore falafel queue dynamics some more. He invites Mike and Ben to imagine the look on his face (inscrutable), and then inside his face (merry fool).
- Henry sings 'Father and Son' by Cat Stevens but about falafel queue dynamics (joined in with by Ben) ending with a query about purple squares (turnips?).
¶ Topic Chat
- Ben games the system to make the topic his balloon ride, which you can do when you are the bean machine. A brilliant political operator, he has prorogued Mike. The Lib Dems are interested and Ed Davie is on his way round with a canoe. Owl Fuckerz (PLC) is considering a takeover but it is now too big (Henry is currently backstage at the O2 or Wembley) – a cabal has taken over consisting of Pauline Quirke, Gary Lineker and Gary's best friend, Dave Lineker.
- Paul from the Bristol live show offered all three Beans a hot air balloon ride and it was decided Ben would be the one most likely to survive a fall from that height. Henry saw the offer as just audience banter. Mike and Henry assumed Ben would die but the marketing team greenlit the idea as a new Bean could be introduced in Ben's place (e.g. Dave Grohl, David Suchet, David Letterman (who insisted the Bean Machine must sound like a live band in 'one of those really terrible American chat shows')).
- If Ben were to die, would he make the Chortle front page? Yes, but immediately pushed off by 'New Bean Announced': David Seaman and Sue Barker - one talks and the other does the gestures.
- Ben's pre-flight worries: would Paul murder him, woo him, or eat him (in a floury bap)? Or just be bad at flying a balloon? 'Jonathan Creek' episode would have a crossbow bolt through the thorax: a perfect locked-basket mystery. Paul replied with a message to appeal to Ben's Bonj-ego and winky emojis (not as good as training certificates and licences). No waivers, no signing in blood, no death-grip hands of the previous passenger.
- A man and his horse turn up when the balloon is being filled. Is it the grim reaper? Never happens at Heathrow (the horse will go bananas). The man said it was fine cos he had put the horse on a plane once (using his daughter's passport?) and it cost £13,000. Did the horse visit the cockpit? Did it eat the plane meal from a sick bag nosebag? The horse smelled badly of piss: for every beautiful Lloyds' bank advert horse, there's a smelly old piss horse being taken out for an airing.
- Henry is quite scared on Ben's behalf when he starts talking about wind speeds and 'gusting' but Ben was reassured by Paul working in Health and Safety. Method of getting in to basket: clambering, tumbling, hands-on. No lining on the inside, wicker through and through. Standing on wicker worries Henry; there should be mini-pies, perhaps soiled clothing, in wicker.
- Paul's wife was the navigator, working out where to land (like going to the theatre and just working out when you can leave).
- Worst animals for spooking: pigs (can't look up – a fact Henry used to know) and sheep (just keep running into a quarry, following the herd like Londoners at a falafel stall). Henry thinks sheep and pigs are two out of the three UK farm animals (he forgets chickens and llamas and farmed salmon).
- Got to 1500 feet (that's a Shard and half or 2500 hoisin duck wraps). Landing might involve falling on one another (with champage and strawberries), giving advice on how to land is the balloon equivalent of 'brace, brace'. Henry feels like the next Bean to go up will be the one to die.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Helen, Elliott and Bronte email before the jingle is played to show that the two young children know all the words, which are "a robot chewing a hort".
- Ash from Australia is a chef in a gourmet Japanese restaurant and prepares buckets of eels AND sea urchins (see feudalism). The inside of a sea urchin is delicious. Ash's boss will not entertain the Pompidou discount ("Get fucked!").
- Ben from King's Cross asks Henry what being on a jury was like and also wonders what it would be like as the accused to see Henry there in the jury seats doodling and arriving late with a coffee and pastry, but Henry wasn't even concentrating as Ben read out the letter. Henry ended up pleading guilty (he had done it – what are the chances?!)
¶ Jingles
- Pam bark acknowledged by Henry (23:35)
- Bean Machine (26:22)
- Crab bBell (32:27)
- Emails ('chewing a hort' version) (54:20)
- Bollocking (56:12)
- Patreon (1:02:30)
¶ Bollockings
- Joe bollocks Ben about 'Neighbours' but Mike steps in with a pre-emptabollock. He has remembered that Cody was not shot during a duck hunt (that was Kerry Bishop) but during a police shootout, involving Harold Bishop and his cocaine addiction (snorting it through a didgeridoo (Henry's didgeridoo impression)). Henry offers some Aussie staple phrases that the listener can edit into a funny bit, ending in a shootout at a barbecue with Russell Crowe. Pre-watershed swears: 'rack-off, Charlene!'.
¶ Notable Quotes
- I'm funnelling hot propane up my arse at all times.
- We're basically three shaved and greased ferrets in a bag.
- You've got three shaved ferrets and you're trying to get them to do 'Hamlet'.
- [American child voice] Mommy, will they be able to eat Oreos on the Moon when they get there?
- I think that we have completed biscuits.
- Fairness, social justice, and lunchbox staples.
- Never mind a story about someone who's been on a hot air balloon for the first time in their life, let's hear about a falafel stall.
- Black Rod is on his way, Mike.
- Death has come calling. The dark crab that pincers us all eventually has come, a bit sooner than I hoped.
- What good is insurance when you're dead?
- You know what they say about the guy who was in charge of the Titanic? Nice guy, lovely wife, lovely bunch of friends.
- The horse isn't as bad as someone bringing out a bong, but it's on a spectrum.
- The balloon people were saying to the horse man...
- Did he say it was an emotional support horse?
- If it was me it would have been 10 knots: I'm not getting in, I'm not getting in, I'm not getting in... is that any good?
- Was it just: pop your Air Pods in, watch 'The Lego Movie'?
- Wasn't it that Harold Bishop was bringing in a thousand kilograms of cocaine?
- [Australian accent] Aw mate, what the heck? ... Prawns, prawns, prawns... Get out of it!
- [Australian accent] Yeah, I've been racking your wife. I've also been racking your sister. Yeah, rack this! [sounds of gunfire]
- He's a total spunk!
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Bring Your Favourite Optician (34 patrons)
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Maxwell from South New Brighton, Christchurch, New Zealand submits a thumping dubstep in a minor key (imagine it in a grimy nightclub).