¶ Opening Chat
- Mike has recently been to a music festival for 15 year old girls (accompanying small children). He didn't stick out at all. He performed a set of guerilla techno in his own gazebo, as Retro Mike (!RetroM¡ke_.). Mike used Christmas tree lights for atmosphere, the speakers of his Hyundai i10, and managed to piss (in a bucket in the boot) in the build up to a beat drop. Mike starts "hitting the horn" when the beat drops and this causes the car battery to die. Due to Mike coiling the Christmas lights around himself he became magnetic, attracting all the syringes from the neighbouring St John's Ambulance tent. Mike gave talks about how drugs are bad between songs and gave leaflets out about herpes remaining incurable (his personal crusade).
- Discussion about the power of yoghurt (yogurt), and kefir. Ben enjoys the "should have been chucked" tang of kefir, and it makes him feel like a Mongolion goat herder. He's wearing a wide kaftan and has an eagle on one shoulder and a miniature horse. Henry ate curds on holiday. At the far end of the cheese spectrum is a 25 carat parmesan or an obsidian cheddar, and at the other end there is milk. Whey is pronounced in a way that makes Henry doubt what it is. Henry doesn't know what Frubes are, Mike explains that they are used to placate and distract toddlers.
- Henry has a problem with yoghurt and thinks it is shit. Ben is furious (the Bean Machine is always immersed in yoghurt). It's the only thing we have in the global war against herpes ("it's prebiotic, it's antibiotic"). Sentient yoghurt will be in a war with AI in the future. Did yoghurt even originate from Earth? What flavours of yoghurt are in the pyramids?
- Henry doesn't understand why you'd eat yoghurt. It shouldn't be eaten on its own (Ben had yoghurt for breakfast, but who knows when Ben eats each meal). A food shouldn't be used to "bolster" other foods. Ben suggests yoghurt is a "honey delivery system" (Henry uses toast). Henry doesn’t know what Castrol GTX is, and this is how he feels about yoghurt. Ben argues all foods are like this, suggesting parsley. Yoghurt is a wet, flabby herb. Maybe Henry isn't eating yoghurt due to parental pressure. He's yet to have his yoghurt moment. Debate as to whether you can have yoghurt as a dessert.
- Mike has known about Henry's yoghurt hatred for a long time, and kept it from Ben in the hope Henry would have his own yoghurt moment. Mike recalls a story when Henry came over to his North London flat to do some (2 minutes of) writing. Mike made a salad with pine nuts for lunch (Henry eating them straight from the packet, they were skint at the time and he ate about a months worth of wages). Mike offered Henry a yoghurt after lunch and Henry was baffled (almost rude). Henry would probably have been less confused if Mike had asked him to read an entire Grisham to him after lunch.
¶ Topic Chat
- Henry went through a stage of pretending to like the jazz classics at university. Mike quite liked acid jazz, Henry doesn't think it aged well. Mike liked Jamiroquai (he'd tell you the bassist was actually really good). Jay Kay could dance, sing and wear a hat. Everything about jazz was cool (the names, the album covers), apart from the listening experience.
- Henry did grade 4 flute and thought jazz flute might be a cool way to continue playing. Mike's yoghurt moment was asking his violin teacher if he could learn jazz and he was told no (teacher would also have broken Mike's arms, heated up the music stand, and set his moustache on fire). These are the days you reach for yoghurt - it is the "salve to mediocrity". Also has a maternal quality (served from a huge teat in large Sainsbury's stores).
- Henry realised that, when playing third flute in the school orchestra, if he stopped nobody noticed. He would also move his fingers and keep his puckered lips in position - probably easier to play - so would play "London's Burning" instead.
- Henry was bad at both tennis and classical music at school. Failed the tennis audition (did a speech from Henry V, was "hammy"). For Henry the ultimate act of rebellion would be playing "London's Burning" on the flute, on a tennis court, at the Wimbledon final.
- Henry was "very cool", but not too cool for judo. Mike also did judo, he was disappointed by taekwondo. What Mike wants is "The Dark Olympics", where all the sports are "to the death" (such as dressage on a tiger). Henry would have to endure physical pain at judo as a really tall boy called Alan would just pick him up and throw him. Once, Henry was chased by muggers on the way to judo, and he questioned why he was running away to a place where he would definitely get hurt by Alan.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- 41.20 - Time email section starts. No email jingle this week.
- Sam emails in claiming the title of "Most Northerly Listen in the UK" (camping on the Isle of Hoy). Sam went into survival mode and listened to an old Beans episode (it's either that or Kendal mint cake), and executes a switcheroo (a solid 8). The perfect switcheroo is out there, the Beans will know when they hear it as all their heads will explode.
- Ben emails in with the subject title "ciabatta is younger than my dad". It was invented in 1982, meaning both Henry and Mike are older than ciabatta. It was invented in Italy as a competitor for the baguette. French soldiers would hide swords in baguettes and invite the enemy for picnics / it was invented to resemble Josephine's leg (she was very self-conscious of her crunchy legs).
- Joe emails in, his sons are big fans. Whilst they were at the West Midlands Safari Park, his youngest commented that you had to go through the bum of the snake slide, and the eldest said "hmmm digestive tract talk" in a German accent.
- At the West Midlands Safari Park you can drive up close to people from the West Midlands - careful though they will take your windscreen wipers, and don't try and stroke them. If you get attacked by somebody in the West Midlands you have to run diagonally up a tree. It is important to protect places like the West Midlands. Discussed the ethics of hunting those from the West Midlands. Ben apologises to the listeners in the West Midlands.
- Caroline emails in. Assumed Ben was bald and Henry had hair. If you close your eyes, Henry has hair energy, it's just in the wrong place (beneath his eyes like a monk's tonsure). Ben is an office name, and Henry is the name of an ex-Oxford student, a floppy haired artist (implied arsehole).
- Henry found an article about a "cure" for baldness (it's not a disease). Becoming bald is a form of bereavement. Henry moved into the acceptance phase when he realised if you draw a face on an egg it is "quite attractive". However he read this article and it didn't offer a cure. Caroline's email has thrown up "a lot of stuff" for Henry.
- Adam and Hannah (Hannamanadam) email. They were listening to the podcast on their drive from Norfolk to London to see the Bean live show - a week early.
- Plug for shows at London Podcast Festival and the latest book by Adam Kay, illustrated by one Henry Paker. Mike and his children enjoyed the (illustration free) copy they were sent.
¶ Jingles
- 25.28 - Techno version of the theme tune
- 26.02 - Bean Machine
- 43.51 - The Old Switcheroo
- 1.03.55 - Patreon
- 1.08.40 - John's Bounce version of the theme tune
¶ Bollockings
No bollockings this week.
¶ Notable Quotes
- "It's an organic thing, a techno, a heavy techno set"
- "my sort of lingering suspicion with yoghurt is that it's shit"
- "the first time you got off with a yoghurt"
- "its what you scatter over the grave of a Greek widow"
- "but for now screw yoghurt and screw both of you"
- "Yes its the Godzilla soundtrack but it is funky"
- "what's the matter isn't Pachelbel good enough for you?"
- "You're keeping the Brahms alive Paker!"
- "were you fully corked?"
- "And also, you can biltong it"
- "Because he got a haemorrhoid in Taskmaster"
- "There's Henry the artist, there's Mike the television comedian, and then there's Ben the office dullard"
- "and please, please, don't press your buttocks on him and try and find the button, please"
- "But at the end of the day, sorry you fucking snooker ball headed pricks"
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
Annual Trip to see the Blackpool Leguminations (the number 1 lentil and pea based lights show in Lancashire)
¶ Listener Theme Tune
John's New Orleans bounce inspired version