¶ Opening Chat
- Henry was nearly hit on a train as he travelled to Three Bridges yesterday. Henry was sat opposite an old, bald man ("was it a mirror?"). Henry connected with this bald man when he put his coffee cup in the bin for him. This is how they mate, via "bald fission".
- Discussion about which is the best seat, Mike prefers the aisle for toilet access and also for the wandering aisle leg (the police have warned him about this before, when it's trying to get into first class and flicking through someone else's copy of Hello magazine).
- The train filled up with football fans and he thought he would engage in football banter. Henry is an Arsenal fan and thought they were Brighton fans off to play Tottenham. Henry declared he was an Arsenal fan (Tottenham's arch rival) and started talking about Tottenham's rubbish defence. He then started to realise that everyone was Tottenham fans. He put his air pods in but didn't listen to any music so he could hear if they were planning his murder.
¶ Topic Chat
- What does the shark in Jaws represent? It's always Russia. The mayor is America and capitalism - keeping the beach going - it is Mike's right to party on the beach or send his children off on a lilo into the blood-soaked sea. If your leg happens to work it's way into one of "Big Bill's Meaty Beach Buffet" burgers then this is capitalism flourishing. Mike could eat his own leg (foot long sub), the suits from City Hall won't be telling him what to do.
- Discussion of Rob / Roy Scheider's role in the film. He had "upsized" to the beach after killing his mortgage advisor in New York (had to hand in his police badge, his Blue Peter badge and a badge saying "I'm 38 today").
- Quint is an old seadog, who was on a secret mission on the USS Indianapolis. When they were hit by a Hungarian torpedo they didn't send out distress signals, just requests for croutons (delivered by plane). Of course, many who survived sharks suffered brain injuries from falling croutons. His ship was delivering "the bomb" (hottest woman in the United States, because it was the 70s). He has a back story for hating sharks, but Henry argues you don't need one.
- Henry likens hating sharks to hating spiders, which Mike disagrees with (spiders are a useful tool in Mike's quest against his nemesis - the fly). Henry talks about his eyes being described like shark eyes ("lifeless eyes"). Mike suggest Henry's eyes are more bovine.
- If you get attacked by a shark you should maintain eye contact. This makes the shark socially awkward and you end up being invited to a dinner neither of you wants to be at.
- Henry's brother had a shark book growing up. It was a bit like The Necronicon (sic). Henry doesn’t care about the "necronisceptics" who email in complaining about the Bean's pronunciation of The Necronomicon. The Beans will not be tricked into saying it properly and summoning the necromancer.
- The Necronicon (sic) got turned down by 15 publishers before it got made. Suggestions from publishers involved writing a recipe book for air fryers, stories with anthrapomorphised rabbits or a personal memoir about grief and wild swimming.
- The shark book was held with equal reverence and terror by young Henry. There was a picture of a man who had survived a shark attack. Inevitable your body will be encased by the shark - best to swim directly into its mouth to control the narrative. You should then reach up and get the eyes (from inside the shark?) and punch them,squish them, harpoon them.
- Ben suggests putting a grenade in the gills. You'd be going down with the shark but Ben is that petty he wouldn't mind. Ben also suggests swimming right into the shark, and then using it on land like a kind of shark costume ("great white poncho"). Ideally your head would be poking out of the shark anus / cloaca.
- Mike is confident that a shark has an anus. Whether a great white has been on British shores he is less sure. Sharks have a spiral valve, rectum, anus and cloaca. Henry has a shark fact - sharks internally gestate their young but they do sometimes eat each other in the womb.
- Sharks are the perfect predator, unless you are on the beach, or in a boat or raft, or anywhere that's not the sea. They can kill with a glance, or an outfit. They have no morality, like guinea pigs (who also want to kill, they just want to kill cabbages).
- Ben remembers a news story of a shark being the oldest living animal. It might have been old but it had no anecdotes.
- Mike recommends "Sharknado" ("it's a shameless piece of cinema and it's an awful lot of fun").
- Henry has seen blacktip reef sharks (fun sized sharks). He tries to compare their size to fractions of dogs (six eights, not three quarters), pillows or baguettes. If only someone had created a unit of measurement. They have a sinister quality to the way they roam, different to other fish, everyone know guys like that. They are camouflaged like a Spitfire, or Predator.
- The last shark attack in Sri Lanka was in 2004 (non-fatal). In 1950, a man had his buttock removed by (probably) a lemon shark. A man called Rodney Jonklaas was attacked by a blacktip reef shark that he fought off with a net.
- Sharks are important for the eco-system, as they keep the number of divers in check. Also important as a metaphor for death, a popular children's toy and an unusual choice of steak.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Andy emails in with a snappy switcheroo about Mike's appearance in "World's Most Dangerous Roads".
- Mark has requested more Henry Paker singing. His tone is sub-contrabass, "earth-woofer", the frequency used to clean submarine propellers. Henry has been singing a song recently - "Oh What A Jumentous Morning". The Beans then discuss the musical "Jumentous!!!", about a Southern belle who stinks of horse piss, who moves to the big city and falls in love with a horse penis surgeon. Cars are replacing the traditional horses, petrol is car piss. Did they drink horse piss thinking it was lemonade in Hamlet?
- Luke has listened to the Beans Patreon back catalogue during a 48 hour round trip from London to Sydney in business class. He believes he has the record for "most environmental damage caused whilst listening to Three Bean Salad". Luke doesn't know about Ben's listening and tyre burning parties, or Mike and Henry's listen and sewage plant sabotage symposium, or Henry's listening and carpet-bombing of koalas.
- The Beans discuss the concept of "rawdogging" a flight. Mike could do this, as he has "no inner life". When Mike isn't talking he is in "shark brain", working on basic instinct. Ben and Henry need data at all times, they have the hamsters spinning round (Mike is like a dead, powdered hamster).
¶ Jingles
- 12.58 - Bean Machine
- 18.32 - America
- 28.42 - Cloaca
- 43.58 - Emails
- 45.05 - The Old Switcheroo
- 47.38 - Jumentous
- 48.00 - Oh What A Jumentous Morning (not a jingle, but important to include)
- 54.56 - Patreon
¶ Bollockings
- No bollockings this week.
¶ Notable Quotes
- "And remember it's completely impossible to contract herpes from fission"
- "It's my right to get my legs bitten off while I'm having an ice cream and a frosty beer"
- "He never should have brought a gun to that mortgage meeting"
- "Weapons-grade babe"
- "I do have an idea about a free-floating eye with teeth?"
- "What about a sort of personal memoir about the death of your parents, grief, and wild swimming, how about that?"
- "It's going to sting like billy-o"
- "Just get squishy with it"
- "Can you survive without a buttock?"
- "Owls, bowels, cowls, fowls and jowls"
- "I can't even rawdog brushing my teeth"
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Annual "Let's Maintain the Sean Bean Lounge Hydroelectric Power Station" Weekend
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Matthew's ska version