¶ Opening Chat
- The "Hundreds of Beavers" (as discussed in Film Corner) film makers are doing a tour of the UK.
- Also a plug for Google, it was a life-changing way of using the internet for Ben because he no longer has to guess URLs. He has accumulated "extraordinary knowledge" from exploring guessed URLs - from memory Ben can draw a functioning, oak-made, battle galleon. Ben is stockpiling oak to build an armada, and is also panelling his house. He is ploughing a lot of his resources into oak, has lots of leftover sap that he is having to eat and drink - he is now mainly acorn with skin the consistency of wet bark.
- The Bean Machine is covered in a moss poncho, it sprouts toxic mushrooms which is very painful. Ben is debrided of fungus by wild hogs in an NCP (?ECP) car park. The piss you smell in a multi-storey car park is actually from all the wild hogs who come to feast on the Bean Machine, it is an important part of the eco-system. This year the car park in question will be Lewisham, use the "shop and bus" if you are visiting.
- Henry has never used a "park and ride". Pretty, small cities tend to be good for park and ride - there is often no vending machines or toilets but a great sense of community and a "crushing sense of disappointment". You get used to these things in the provinces, you learn to appreciate Debenhams (and the semi-pedestrianised access to it), the inner bypass, and the one-way system. Henry feels this takes the glamour out of shopping - very different to his shopping experience of getting on a Lime bike to Saville Row, having a bespoke washing machine made, drinking a tumeric latte and getting a cumin enema. Meanwhile, Ben is in Bath and has dropped a panini on the road (not a euphemism, but it can be).
¶ Topic Chat
- Oslo is almost palindromic. Ben now can't think of anything else, and this content is very Radio 4 and far away from Joe Rogan. Henry has "lanced the boil" and Googled palindromic cities. Szazs in Hungary [sic] sounds like "a delightful place for a naughty little away break". Ben would like to be the Mayor of Szazs (he probably already is). Ben is still thinking in palindromes - over his lifetime everything will be a palindrome. This means on his death bed he will have to find a reason to say asparagus as his first word was spagrapapu [sic], which will also be the first words of the Onion Child.
- Basics of DIY - get as many hammers as you can (including MC Hammer and Sister Sledge-hammer). Buy them during "hammer time" when they are fresh.
- If you're hanging up a washing machine don't forget your rawl plugs.
- Mike is still nervous of DIY after falling off the ladder when looking for (still) missing tortoise Egg - he shouldn't have kept all his allen keys up the tortoise's arse. Mike had previously been slightly emboldened to "give things a go" - he tried to install a ceiling drying rack and drilled a hole which felt good. He even bought a stud finder (the Tinder app) which he found impossible to interpret, so he ended up drilling multiple holes in the ceiling ("pilot holes") and left it until his capable, hairy-armed, brother-in-law came over and put it up. Mike is bragging both about his ceiling dryer and his "sweet, sweet" brother-in-law. Mike is also a brother-in-law and not fulfilling his brother-in-law obligations - what are they getting from Mike? Mike feels he is quite parasitic and their relationship is not symbiotic, which Henry suggests is like a zombie-ant feeding on fungus. Mike's brother-in-law is a function of Mike's ineptitudes ("yeah, pluralise it, why not"). Mike gives off the vibe of an "urban lumberjack" and someone who would be good at DIY, but he essentially has "bread hands". Henry however has the vibe and look of someone who would be rubbish a DIY and is suprisingly worse than you'd originally thought.
- Everyone on the Joe Rogan podcast will have built a shed that morning for ham smoking.
- Ben has assembled Ikea furniture, but the Beans don't think this counts. Ben mentions using picture hooks to hang pictures in his new build house (the walls are made of cardboard). Mike has no idea what he is talking about but found a bracket in his wife's tool box. If Mike had mentioned his wife's tool box on the Joe Rogan show he would have been torched with a flame thrower.
- During the recent cold weather, Mike threw a snowball at his daughter's bedroom window and it went straight through the glass. Mike's daughter was baffled. Mike shouldn't have used a "Glasgow snowball" (a vodka-soaked, snow covered pool cue). Mike obviously has strong compacting strength, but he wastes this skill. Mike implied to the glazier that the snowball could have been thrown by the teenage boy next door - he is in borstal now learning about Glasgow snowballs. Mike will "see him right" when he is released, by making him one toasted sandwich (either ham or cheese, not both). Mike did board up the window which the household has done before - he once tripped over his daughter's drum kit, falling into and smashing his bedroom window.
- Several listeners have put nails through their hands whilst listening to the podcast, probably to reconnect with themselves as a human when listening to Henry's anecdotes. People have car-jacked themselves in half during his anecdote about the birthday card.
- Henry has an issue with a tiny nut. It was leftover from building a battleship to Ben's blueprints - the ship will sail and Henry will be left standing on the docks holding a tiny nut.
- Henry has some retro, classic kitchen scales which are missing a tiny nut. The scales suggest that he is competent at baking, but sexy with it. The vicar is watching through the window and Henry will invite him in for a sausage roll (and toss him off).
- Henry went online to find a tiny nut but you can only buy them in multiples of 200. Henry once bought "square medical tissues" (gauze) and bought 200 packets by mistake (turns out you can't resell used gauze). Also difficult to find the scale of nuts when you are buying online (price might give it away, as might the fact you need to specify if you live in a deep water port).
- Ben and Mike suggest Henry go to B&Q and enlist the help of the "ersatz brother-in-law" type figures who work there. The symbolism of asking a brother-in-law for help with a tiny nut is too raw. Does Henry have brother-in-laws or just brothers, or just Clive Myrie?
- Henry is still in the foothills of this anecodote - get ready to drill through that hand - try biting down on some medical gauze to help with the pain (the latest addition to merch).
- Henry went to a DIY store, it was full of "burly men" who work in trades (they read tabloids, rip off families, and drink vinegar but Henry would never stereotype them in an offensive way).
- Sub-strand anecdote alert - at an old flat a plumber came to fix a toilet seat onto Henry's toilet, and Henry asked how to remove the copper-coloured stain from the toilet bowl (half way through this Henry realises what the copper-coloured stain actually was). The plumber suggested vinegar and Henry, trying to make small talk and not seem like an urban prick, asked if he meant "industrial vinegar".
- Back to the mother anecdote (Henry has forgotten what this was). He gets distracted by falconry and drones (don't try and feed a drone mice). Henry was intimidated by the burly men in the DIY store (Screwfix? Hammer Village? World of Mallets?) and the idea that he might be surrounded by them in the queue. He was embarrassed that it would be lame and pathetic to ask for one tiny nut.
- Henry needs to find an old-fashioned hardware store called "Rumpkins and Sons", run by a tiny man wearing a beige overcoat who will charge you in pre-decimal cash. They sell rat poison powders that are probably illegal, one single bicycle, their logo is of a rat puking. Be wary not to stumble into a high-end Shoreditch "wanker" type place that will sell you an expensive broom.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Mike from Southampton emails in regarding "The Tiffany Problem" - where a name sounds modern but is actually from the 12th Century. Other examples are Shane, Beverley and Wade. The Beans talk about hog-powered time machines. Ben attempts to do a squealing hog noise, which was futile because Mike is a leading hog-noise actor (how he started and will finish in showbusiness). Mike makes the noise of a hog travelling through time at 52.10. The Beans also discuss what names they would pick if they travelled back in time. Henry goes for "Sir Robert of Nongingdon", Mike with "Brisket of the Tay" and Ben with "Eleanor of Bohemia and Moravia" ("her beauty beguiles"). In medieval times, Ben's "big flat forehead" would have been the height of female beauty standards. Portraits would have been so beautiful they would make a rabbit explode.
¶ Jingles
- 8.12 - Bean Machine
- 46.05 - Emails
- 54.49 - Patreon
¶ Bollockings
- Hugh from Minneapolis (formerly of Northumberland, spiritually of Bremen) emails a pre-emptive reflecto-bollock. He has a counter to the bollocks Ben has received for saying Candlemas is on 1st February (rather than the 2nd). Due to a January fifth Wednesday (which is not recognised in the Bean calendar), Candlemas would be a day ahead. You can buy the Three Bean Calendar but it will ruin your life. The Beans try to name places in Northumberland - they struggle and Henry butchers the pronunciation of Alnwick and Bamburgh (Ben does point this out, but Henry claims he is using the Medieval pronunciation).
¶ Notable Quotes
- "I'm just trying to work out if Santiago De Compostela is a palindrome"
- "It was an anti-rust tortoise"
- "To look up and see the sock stalactites"
- "In my wife's tool box I found one of those little nails that had, one of those that goes through the ready-made picture hangy thing for the string, do you know what I mean?"
- "I don't think I covered myself in glory" "But you covered your daughter in shards of glass"
- "Because people just want to feel something when they're deep into one of my anecdotes"
- "Oh I'm bending over to pull some mince pies out the oven, ooh little bit of knickers on show, don't mind it though"
- "That's just literally a sausage encased in pastry while I toss him off"
- "Would you like a tiny nut with your medical gauze?"
- "Just find Rumpkin, he's out there somewhere"
- "Never make it to a wedding again with the Three Bean Salad filofax"
- "Oh your conveyancing will be up the scuppers"
- "Finally we can automate Jools Holland"
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
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Ben describes changes to Patreon - video episodes on the Sean Bean tier (a feast for the eyes, but a feast of poor quality meat). On fallow months Patreon subscribers will still get exclusive content. Fifth Wednesdays will continue to be observed.
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The Blindfold Karate Tournament - trophy won in the end by Quince Charming.
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Avan has made a synthesiser, ragtime version of the theme tune.