¶ Opening Chat
- Mike is cooking Christmas dinner this year, something he has never been trusted with before (normally his meals are transactional, "meat and potatoes" (metaphorical and literal) type meals). He was seeking plaudits, a heroes welcome, but the announcement was greeted by "largely silence" and buttock clenching.
- Henry has cooked Christmas dinner before, he "goosed", which involved hanging the goose upside down. Henry was confused as to whether it had to be alive or dead, so he hung it upside down alive and the next day it was like Mussolini, hanging outside a petrol station with people throwing rocks at it.
- Henry says Mike needs a schedule, after all time is moving forwards and the Earth is spinning, so we are travelling at 3000 miles an hour. Mike's plans so far are "boiling", food has to be safe, if people want flavour they can find some dessicated turkey powder. Maybe Mike needs to research Christmas dinner options from 1946, or an ersatz turkey made of potatoes and asbestosis.
- Mike's dinner will be very heavy on pigs in blankets. In Exeter, this is an actual pig in a duvet (don't say duvet in Exeter as the locals will think you are French and you will be hung in the direction of where they think France is).
- Mike will be sourcing his ingredients from the petrol stations of Devon. Crisps can be used to make roast potatoes - you can have a choice of flavours ("prawn cocktail roasties?") to eat alongside your grid system of reconstituted meat. Diesel can be used to set a bowling ball alight and it can be used as a Christmas pudding.
- Ben suggests that Mike is sponsored by Esso for Christmas dinner. Buying food late at night from the "Hannibal Lecter" window, maybe getting stuff from the bins out the back, because you can't fake that Christmas bin smell. Brussell sprouts will have to be sacrificed, and there isn't actually a real turkey, but everyone has a live carp in their stocking. Ben asks which petrol station Henry has been to to get a live carp.
- Mike is going to do a starter, Henry suggests minimising this and Mike says he won't put the crisps in a bowl ("floor crisps"). Henry suggests "punching" some Pringles through some ham, to be served on some distressed wood or a hubcap. There is usually some heinous seafood invention for the starter, like the "haddock javelin", "prawn discus", "shrimp waistcoat", "cod roe cummerbund" or "hammer o'clams".
- Gravy is important - it helps warm up the food, can be used as a gravy bath for grumpy relatives or improve a disappointing gift. Cliff Richard thinks he makes the world's best gravy by combining 8 stock cubes of different flavours (the mega stock) with teriyaki sauce, soy sauce and Worcestershire sauce. Henry has fun saying the word "umami" and summons a fifteen-headed Cliff Richard. Cliff pours the gravy across the back of his knee onto the food, it is painful and makes him howl "Saviour's Day".
- Henry says turkey is very forgiving - even forgiving itself for its own execution. Ben thinks it goes dry very easily. The perfect temperature is probably the one generated by the back of the coffee machine in Esso. Go to the machine and order an Americano, click extras and select "roast turkey". It takes a while but it has the claw that can shove lemon, onion, or mocha up the turkey's arse. Put it through the till as a latte and it only costs £3.95.
- Anne Boleyn was beheaded because she didn't par boil the potatoes for the roasties. Mike's eyes have gone dead, as he is in the early stages of panic. No need to drive Mike to the hospital on Christmas Day, it will give everyone something to do on Boxing Day ("offal pinata").
¶ Topic Chat
- If you've seen a hippo in the wild, you are already dead. The beans discuss Moo Deng, who is lairy but gorgeous. Moo Deng means "bouncy pork" in Thai. Eating Moo Deng is the ultimate billionaire accolade, and also the kind of meal you need to eat under multiple shrouds in a sub-aquatic retreat.
- Is a hippo a kind of cow? Hippopotamus is Greek for "river horse", German is nilpferd "horse of the Nile", which is flattering for a hippo. Maybe hippos haven't been accurately named as anyone who sees a hippo in the flesh doesn't survive. Alternative suggestions for hippo names include: shiny wet mega-cow, big wet rubbery death, large-toothed mega neoprene pencil case of death, giant fist made of tyres, malevolent grey sofa bed (that has been fly tipped into a lake).
- Ben has seen a hippo at Longleat Safari Park and it was disgusting, far removed from the cute picture of a cartoon hippo. Hippos are "warty as standard", with teeth the size of a novelty Toblerone. Some hippos have pedestrianised mouths. Henry talks about marrying a frog's arse and then being poisoned to death and having lots of frogs living inside you - it's a good example but no one is sure what of.
- Ben talks of seeing a hippo at Longleat. In the middle of the lake there is an old, depressed gorilla - retirement has been tough for Gordon Brown. Mike has done a similar boat trip but did not see a hippo, only a suggestion of a shadow where a hippo might be. Safari parks don't actually need animals, just a gift shop and an electric gate.
- Evolution creates things that are so perfectly formed and beautiful (like Cliff Richard, a puma or a tiger (a stripey Wozniak)) as well as warty monstrosities like a warthog. To another warthog though, the warthog is "sexy af" and they appreciate their hairy teats caked in shit, wanting to engage in some "tusk play".
- Henry went on safari and didn't see a hippo (he was on an indoor Hungarian safari). The Beans discuss the ways a hippo can kill you, including when you are stranded on the Alps and a hippo comes to rescue you. Do you have sex with it? You did say you would try new things and you would have 2 good anecdotes afterwards, and you did originally go up the mountain to break the record for the highest altitude circle jerk. Henry got so many anecdotes out of the safari park, which leave you wanting both more and less. The big 5 anecdotes - having sex with a leopard, awful toilets, the biltong isn't much better than Tesco, food poisoning, smuggled a baby giraffe into Luton airport. Henry's safari-meister was only interested in seeing African wild dogs (just a slightly fucked looking dog). They did end up watching people watching wild dogs.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Henry thanks the listeners for sending in emails but does say that they can only read out 25% of them. Ben reminds listeners that they do always read the emails (even if not on the podcast) and appreciate them.
- Andy the train driver suggests that Mike's neighbours play the sound of tortoises mating in their garden to attract lost tortoise Egg. Tortoise mating sounds are played, which feels intrusive. Does Andy have access to the tannoy on his train, and if so, should he?
- Mike's ribs are better now. Henry talks about ribs being like chickenwire, an internalised exoskeleton.
- Sam has had his spleen removed and was given it back, whole, in a jar. His brother took it to school one day and it was returned upside down in the jar after spending all day with the biology teacher. The Beans suspect that the teacher took a sample and has cloned him. Sam says that he is extremely mild since, and recommends it to parents as a procedure for children who need their humors sorted.
- Henry has made listener Jenny vomit twice, which he apologises for. She has morning sickness (nothing to do with Henry), but Henry talking about human fats oozing into his carpet and his impression of a hollandaise gun spurting out sauce triggered her to vomit. Congratulations on the baby Jenny!
¶ Jingles
- 23.05 - Bean Machine
- 40.34 - Lewd Content
- 45.32 - Emails
- 51.47 - Bollocking Accepted
- 55.57 - Patreon
¶ Bollockings
- Few emails received about this, but Katie from Exeter's email is read out. The Batman that Mike encountered is from the charity "The Devon Superteam" who volunteer their time for local projects. Mike has two options as to how he responds to this - the GB News route might be better long term. Mike hopes he will be forgiven for this misdemeanour (he is still very new to the area). Alex from Heavitree has shared an image of the Batman and the Joker doing their shopping in Sainsbury's. Children these days have higher expectations than the Beans did back in the day, anyone with a bat in a box and a rubbish costume could have turned up and they would have been happy.
¶ Notable Quotes
- "It was your full barn pigeon in terms of linguistic dexterity"
- " Yeah but is it spinning in the same direction as the glass plate in my microwave or in the opposite direction?"
- "Hi, I'm Mike Wozniak, and welcome to my Esso Christmas"
- "The hot sauce or the Belgian rapper?"
- "Please do not try and Cliff Richard Moo Deng"
- "Ben, Gordon Brown has struggled with retirement"
- "Run your trotters down my flank"
- "It's a bald, warty St Bernard the size of a terraced house with really come-to-bed eyes"
- "I've got three dead work colleagues next to me, am I up for it?"
- "It's incredible how similar to humans they are isn't it?"
- "Another word for internalised exo-skeleton is of course, skeleton"
- "Three Bean Salad does not advocate that procedure"
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Fumigation Thursday
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- The episode has been released on Christmas Day - Happy Christmas all! By the time listeners listen, Mike's Christmas meal might have gone so badly that it has been announced on the news, and the Queen has had to be brought back to life as the only person who can be trusted to calm the nation.
- Chris is currently listening to episodes from 2022. The Beans have learnt so much since then. He has sent in a mandolin version of the theme tune.