¶ Opening Chat
- First record of the New Year for the Beans, and they discuss how long you can keep saying "Happy New Year" for. Easter eggs are out in the shops, and they are playing all the Easter hits, which are mostly by Cliff Richard. Henry sings "Rabbit Of The Lord", Mike sings a song about falling in love with a chocolate egg. Family don't like that you are going to marry a chocolate egg, and want to crucify it on a caramel cross and the rabbits weep blood. January is the time to think about the shroving, the shriving, the shreeving, the purging and the shaving.
- Ben put his (fake) Christmas tree up on Christmas Eve and is going to leave it up till Candlemas (Twelfth-night Plus, Christmas Deluxe). He is taking his lead from Medieval times, as he does if it can justify slatternly behaviour.
- He also bought a real mini-tree on Christmas Eve in Asda for £1.50, but it had become so weak that it collapsed when he put a bauble on it (maybe he was sold a birch whip). On Boxing Day at 9am, Ben's neighbour had already put their tree outside the front of their house, "a symbol of something". It might just be a tree.
- Ben plans to plant his mini-tree outside, though his back yard is entirely paved. Ben could sell it back to the supermarket, which they could use for "infinite wood" - a forest where you can't see the end of the forest, "infinite beavers" (it may look like a guinea pig) who make "low calorie beaver yoghurt". Henry also suggests infinite spoons, which Ben decides to question.
- Ben's criminal mind had the thought that he could take his neighbour's tree (he would ask first, he has infinite beavers who need wood).
- Mike will wait for someone to post a note through the letterbox saying they are picking up Christmas trees for £5, and then he will sort out his tree. Mike is giving this person "infinite wood" for £5. The council are probably going to collect the trees anyway, although the state has infantalised us all and we suckle on its multi-storey car park teat. Mike instead pays bills that have been left for him written in grime on the back of his car, and leaves notes in his exhaust for someone to sort his damp problem.
¶ Topic Chat
- Weymouth is on the South Coast, but East of Exeter. Exeter's local rival is Plymouth. The Beans discuss doing a stand-up gig and getting an automaton response from the audience by mentioning the local rival. You can pad this out for about 10 minutes, it is just as good as getting a laugh because after all it is all about exercising muscle groups. Mike has a "spinal approach" to stand-up, all about base reflexes, this is why no-one can remember anything about his show afterwards. Following a Mike show, there may be a vague sensation that you might have wasted a tenner, and it is advised not to eat solids during the post-gig fug. The truth is, that actually the town next door might be very similar, but don't bring that up in your set. It is the "vanity of small differences" ("a Freud thing"), other examples of which are if Mike sees someone with a moustache very slightly bigger or more lustrous than his he will "lose his shit". The equivalent for Henry would be seeing someone who is an even more perfect blend of Nosferatu and Ben Fogle ("Nosfogratu?").
- The Beans try to remember Peter Pan. He is the boy who never grows up (is it a pituitary problem, diet or nuclear testing?). Henry likes to go back to the original source material ("Hubert Mayveland's Pietro Di Pani", itself based on a Hungarian folk tale about a profoundly violent pan-faced boy who murders adolescents).
- J.M. Barrie made up the name Wendy (he also created Gary Cooper), inspired by a friend's daughter who used to refer to him as her "fwendy". Prior to this, Wendy was a man's name, for example the spy Captain Wendy Oxford.
- A lot of children's stories of this era are set in very affluent areas of East London - all from blood money, "cleaning up cartel dosh". They've got deals with Peruvian gangs and want to lower the age that children can work in the guano mine. They've also designed AI guns that can shoot the bears that enter the mines and interfere with the JCBs - initially the guns shoot anything that moves but they do learn and it means you dont have to employ any locals, causing the mercenary employment crisis. Amongst all of this, they are having lovely family time and having conversations with whimsical bears about wellington boots and macs.
- Back to the trying to remember the story. Why has Tinkerbell come through their window to ask a child for help? Is it about military prototypes, or is she a "deep-intel" drone, trying to get details about the parents' bank accounts? Ben goes to the synopsis of the Disney film.
- Whilst Wendy's parents are at a party, Peter arrives in the nursery to find his lost shadow and persuades Wendy to come to Neverland so she will never have to grow up. A common theme in Pixar films is about keeping in touch with your inner child, but you can't do that in a business meeting where you find out how many bears your AI gun has killed. The parental unit are not bothered about this, they are on a Zoom call to some militia.
- Ben has recently been to a National Trust property called Tyntesfield House (National Trust properties are all called this), built by the richest commoner of the Victorian era (Barry Stevens, the guano oligarch). Sadly, he will never be able to use a melon spoon no matter how rich he gets.
- Captain Hook wants revenge on Peter Pan after he chopped off his hand (which was eaten by a crocodile). Why does the crocodile have a clock inside it? Henry suggests time, and the Beans pass the psychoanalytical metaphor baton between each other. Henry does an impression of a Hungarian professor.
- Tinkerbell is jealous of Wendy and is trying to get Wendy killed, but she is later banished. The Lost Boys and Wendy's brothers, John and Michael (boring names) are captured as they are believed to have the Chief's daughter Tiger Lily, but Peter rescues her from Captain Hook. Captain Hook uses Tinkerbell's jealousy of Wendy to help him find Peter. Comparisons are made between Tinkerbell and Darth Vader - she is drawn into the dark side. She does redeem herself in the story.
- Wendy and her brothers become homesick and suggest the Lost Boys all travel back to London and get adopted by their parents. Peter doesn't want to go as he doesn't want to grow up.
- The Beans talk about the bit in "The Jungle Book" where Mowgli "gets the horn" and he sees a reflection of a beautiful girl in a pond (his version of porn magazines). This is going to set him up for a future of only being sexually aroused if he is having sex with a puddle. Tragically, when he penetrates the puddle the image is lost. It is going to be a long road of psychosexual counselling for him, particularly if therapy is being offered by a lemur who keeps singing bebop jazz tunes. This symbolises him leaving the fun of childhood behind to become an adult, it is moving and Pixar are bringing in the money. Another example of this emotional manipulation is "Inside Out", which is designed to make people buy merch - Henry shouldn't complain about people buying merch (www.threebeansaladshop.com).
- Besides tugging on the merch-strings of middle class parents, Disney also sanitise stories - in the original story the Little Mermaid is filleted and her roe is harvested, Pinocchio is beaten up by farmers and later sawn in half and turned into sex toys.
- Henry brings up Jungian psychology and the puer type who never grows up. It is not poo-er; if you find that funny (as Mike does) you are still in the puer phase. Mike needs "to grow the fuck up", or be chased around by a crocodile for a few weeks.
- What Peter Pan is really about is a 72 year old man who has lured 3 children to his island, which gives the story a very different vibe.
- Wendy's parents return home (they left the kids alone with a shit faced nanny reading racy novels?). They see what looks like a pirate ship in the clouds (and think they've drank too many martinis). The dad recognises the pirate ship from his childhood. Are they so rich they have created a flying ship and fantasy land to indoctrinate their children into growing up and joining the family arms business?
- Did this all happen over one evening, or were the Darling parents out on a 3 month bender? It is much more unusual in a story for more time to pass than expected - for example having a 5 minute conversation with a fawn and end up being in your nineties.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Jess (a previous chef) has emailed in regarding Henry's boiling conundrum. Potatoes should be started in cold water and brought to the boil. As a guide, if it grows underground start it off in cold water, and if it grows above ground put it in boiling water. The Beans try to come up with a rhyme for this; suggestions include cod, volcanoes, toe-stubbing and The Mersey Sound.
¶ Jingles
- 13.27 - The Patsy Zone (first listen)
- 18.52 - Bean Machine
- 41.36 - Lewd Content Warning
- 52.30 - Emails
- 1.00.47 - Ad's "Sean Bean meets Black Sabbath" version of Patreon (ye bastards)
¶ Bollockings
- No bollockings this episode.
¶ Notable Quotes
- "I was searching for a choc-o-late egg and I found yooooou"
- "NAILS THROUGH THE EGG, NAILS THROUGH THE EGG"
- "Who you gonna sell this to, ay? A time traveller?"
- "What I'm selling you here is infinite wood"
- "The name's Oxford, Wendy Oxford"
- "What do you mean they can't afford a roof over their heads? They're working in a mine, it's almost all roof"
- "You know what i'm going to order a machete drop now, get indoors"
- "It feels like Tinkerbell is Darth Vader"
- "Sorry, i'm not into Lego anymore, I've discovered porn mags"
- "For fucks sake, come on mate, this is like listening to one of my anecdotes probably"
- "Which is famously, constantly boiling"
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- "Trace your family history back to a wrong'un" night
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Tim from Australia has found an interesting old recording from the 1960s