¶ Opening Chat
Mike's moustache shampooing routine is discussed.
That leads Ben on to remembering having seen a close-range meteor after the Bath live show. Or was it a flaming tortoise?
Henry's schoolfriend, Mark Carney, wowed the class by owning an actual piece of meteor. But Henry became unwowed when he realised that everything was from space - even Nicky Campbell. Ben and Mike remain wowed by Mark and think he should run the world. Henry thinks he should run the world with his Beaker-based Pakerdonia philosophy. Instead of conflict there would be malaise and ennui. Henry's advisors would be Mark Carney, Ken Hom and Rod Stewart, who will finally strangle Henry to death. Henry gives Rod a Scottish accent for some reason.
Big Announcement - A Beans' Tour!
Not of Buenos Aires, Rio, Santiago, The International Space Station, Panama City, The North Pole, Copa Cabana, Havana, LA, Pyongyang, and Leeds.
But of Britain:
10th September - London, near a Giraffe, the London Aquarium and the Shrek Experience
12th Sept - Bristol
13th Sept - Cardiff, where Ben trod the boards when he was 9 in a production of Joseph and the Technicloured Dreamcoat, and later when he was interviewed by Richard Herring.
25th Sept - Brighton - where Prince Charles does his one man Mamma Mia
2nd Oct - Manchester, a space-age venue.
5th Oct - Newcastle. Fish freezers will be provided and Henry will be dressing as Sting. The real Sting can come free and 'We will be watching you.'
9th Oct - Birmingham. Craig Charles will have to pay for a ticket as he is a Scouser not a Brummie. And any members of UB40 will have to pay double, even though the Beans do like 'There's a Rat in my Kitchen.'
TBC - Glasgow
6th Dec - Kings Place in person and live streamed.
In the future, they hope to take a tour to: The island of Ireland, Jersey, The Isle of Man, The Isle of Wight, The British Virgin Islands, The Falklands, Inaccessible Island, Anguilla, Gibralta, Moscow, and the Diplomatic Free Zone also known as Clare Balding's kitchen.
¶ Topic Chat
Helen from Bristol sends in 'Festivals'.
Henry mentions that he, as part of a troupe of 12 year old boys called Mime Machine, performed at The Pompidou Centre; in Bourbon Street, New Orleans; Dingle, Ireland (near Fungi the Dolphin); and at Glastonbury.
Ben finds the details on Glastopedia and the performance took place at 11am on Saturday 21st June 1986. Also playing were, Billy Bragg (not metaphorical enough), The Housemartins (one of whom is now Fatboy Slim and another is in The Beautiful South. But none is Prof Brian Cox.) Also playing were: Jonny Coppin and Phil Beer (RIP?), The Survival String Band, Lovely Money, and Loudon Wainwright III.
Henry explains there was a mental health toll on not being in Mime Machine, and on being in Mime Machine.
Mime Machine made machines. The Glastonbury performance showcased a Breakfast routine of a boy getting up, having a piss and making breakfast. Henry's contribution was muesli-based as he embodied 'A nut'.
Both Mike and Ben think it sounds awful and have pity on the audience who were already on the come down after having seen The Waterboys, The Pogues, Ruby Turner, and The Psychedelic Furs with no churros or coffee to help them cope, let alone then witnessing the cacophany of some 12 year old boys in leotards pretending to be bacon.
Henry gets The Cure confused with Bob Geldof's band, The Boomtown Rats.
The Sunday lineup was: Simply Red (with Mick Hucknell), Madness, and no David Bowie.
Pause in proceedings and Mike reports a knock at his back door from his neighbour 'Bob' who bore the exciting news that Egg had been found alive and well! Luckily, he hadn't uncovered Alan Titchmarsh by mistake. Egg will now get the 'Special lettuce' and not be seen until autumn. Do watch out for being scammed by tortoises - always check their Insta photos as they may be from Lanzarote or the Galapagos.
If Mike got a tortoise now he would have to set up a trust fund and invest in lettuce. He is already a lettuce billionaire but the money is all tied up in lettuce. Ben fires off 4 lettuce-based puns while Henry can only think of, 'There's no dust on that potato' which isn't even a phrase.
Henry reads Egg's eulogy (luckily now not needed) - he thanks Bob Geldof and Mick Hucknell, Billy Bragg and Neil Armstrong, Timothy Berners-Lee, Bernard Matthews and Bernard Timothy-Lee.
Mike imagines a tortoise head coming out of St Paul's Cathedral with the dome as the shell.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
Patrick from Washington DC sends in his Tom Waits jingle - or is it Tom pretending to be Patrick?
¶ Jingle
19 mins - Bean Machine
47:40 - Email Jingle (Tom Waits version)
49:10 - Bollocking jingle
55:20 - Patreon
1:00:15 - The Black Crowes from Mason in Chicago
¶ Bollockings
Dan from Somerset explains that a caiman is not small as Ben suggested, but can exceed 5 metres in length.
Sean has a bollock for Mike and Ben for saying that Harold Hardrada had been King of England.
Henry reminisces about being taught a jingoistic version of 1066 at school, where he had still hoped for a good ending, like with Marley and Me. They wonder if you could theoretically have won the Battle of Hastings with a mini and a chainsaw - but realise that Henry couldn't have as would have injured himself badly, causing only a minor distraction. The bollocking is accepted like Harold taking the arrow in his eye.
¶ Notable Quotes
“Do you shampoo the ‘tache?”
Yeah if it’s from a passing car, it’s not a meteorite.
He wasn’t anti-grav’ or anything, I’d’ve told about that by now...
“He didn’t suddenly have the ability to shit Twixes...”
My lunchbox is literally from space.
Henry, what’s this guy's name, ‘cause I want to go and worship him...?
Ben : “Poodles aren’t from space!”
- Are we in Venn diagram zone here ?
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
Creme Egg Roulette
¶ Listener Theme Tune
Mason from Chicago has made a version in the style of The Black Crowes