¶ Opening Chat
- Ben has been listening to The Boomtown Rats, and thinks they are quite good, particularly the song "Rat Trap". Henry thinks it is "maximalist" (this podcast isn't pompous), like being shouted at by Bob Geldof. Copyrighted music can't be played on the show, even though Henry tried to play Stevie Wonder's "Happy Birthday To Ya" (sic) last week in celebration of Egg's return. Of course, a tortoise's birthday is the day they are birthed from the soil. After many diversions, the Beans do listen to this and invite the audience to listen on their own apps or old LPs (as long as you aren't rididng a motorcycle and especially not if you are in a motorcycle pyramid). Henry comments that it has a nice start, but then "monkeys have broken into the band room". Mike isn't a fan - saying he is finding it "really irritating". Henry describes it as a "paella-omelette", which on second listen he finds more enjoyable as he can distinguish the paella notes from the omelette notes. Ben asks Mike why he is scared of enjoying himself, and Mike says "once I begin to enjoy myself then reckless things may start to happen".
- People who look at copyright breaches are podcast poopers (a jobsworth / Doctor Gribbin) who take pride in shitting on bunting. It is easy to shit on bunting when it has been taken down, but doing it during an active fete is much more challenging (Ben advises using the bouncy castle). The natural eye of a human will assume it hasn't seen someone shitting on bunting, and instead see the face of Nicholas Lyndhurst. Ben asks how the other Beans feel about him declaring himself a "medium-tier podcaster" and they advise him to wind his neck in.
- Mike saw a motorcycle outriders last night at a gig near Lambeth North. Either his escorts or for the Archbishop of Canterbury.
- Henry saw the prime minister in a pub (Henry was meeting his brothers), but worries about "retrospective security breaches". If Henry has got past the cordon than someone will be getting fired (they've failed the Henry Paker test). Maybe it was a decoy Starmer? Was everyone in the pub security staff? Was the fruit machine actually someone deep undercover? There was a (presumably, Henry has good instincts about these things) security man outside in the cold, with two tailor's arms and a tailor's head, so you assume it is a discarded mannequin from C&A. As Henry was deconstructing his rifle / locking up his Lime bike, Henry thought he could be an assassin (he had a helmet and a rucksack after all) and wondered if others assummed he was an assassin - he was rushing at him screaming "Pakerdonia!" and "fulfilling people's worst expectations".
- Mike has just had a knock on the door by one of the most threatening salesmen he has ever seen in his life, who wanted 20 minutes of his time. He might come back later and smash all the windows. He was carrying a solid, large backpack, he wasn't a Geordie and did not have a fishy aroma. Bjorn Fjällräven (the inventor of the rucksack) randomly visits one person a year, and if they answer the door in a kindly manner their face gets to go on the fox logo for the next year.
- Ben once had a man come to his house asking if he wanted to buy a mattress, and when Ben asked where they were he walked off (he hadn't worked out his story by then, but would have workshopped it as he went down the street). What would have happened if Ben had said yes? Would he be offered a mattress sachet?
- Mike now regrets not finding out what the man was selling. Maybe it was ferrets as the rucksack looked soundproof and the man was wearing tight trousers - ferrets will always find a way in, this is why in the 70s and 80s Wogan and guests would hitch up their trousers to ensure any loose ferrets would drop out. Was the salesman part of a tortoise ponzi scheme? Was he Santa (he also has a luxury rucksack?). Was he trying to convince Mike he needed chemicals to deal with his ferret problem, whilst pouring a bucket of ferrets into Mike's house and trousers?
- Henry recommends an obscure (only listened to 47 million times) song to the Beans called "Romeo's Tune" by Steve Forbert (the stage name of Henry Paker). He says that it is a "first-time liker", that grabs you by the lapels even if you aren't wearing lapels. The Beans listen to this silently and the judgement is that it is "bollocks for simpletons".
¶ Topic Chat
- Henry thinks he has had a ham salad in France, Ben hasn't had one. Do all nations have a version of the ham salad? Do all civilizations work towards ham salad (end of salad theory). In the late 90s, nicoise became the most popular dish in prisons, being made with ersatz tuna (or "prison steaks" made by stuffing wet toilet paper down the back of a radiator). Could be hallucinogenic as laced with spice - street spice as well as spices smuggled into the prison ("arse cumin", "cori-arse-der", "Chinese five arses").
- Is ham salad being used in an idiomatic sense? The tragedy is that ham is one of the greatest achievements of man, yet has perjorative connotations such as "ham fisted" or "hammy". Historically, you would not have wanted to marry a woman who was "ham shouldered", although "she has the beauty of a thousand hams" (from the Iberian peninsula) was a positive.
- Ham was the first paper, currency and ships (as fish don't eat hams). They discuss wafer thin ham. Every pig has grain (from snout to tail, you always know which way it is facing) but wafer thin ham doesn't and suggests the existence of an "omnidirectional pig" (a great thought experiment). Reformed ham came about with the Reformation (or "Reformatham"), when Henry VIII exploded and the monks tried to reform him to give him a proper burial.
- Mike has had a ham ploughmans in the past. Mike would not like to see crisps on a plate in a ploghmans - he wouldn't go into the kitchen and siphon them back into the packet, he would eat them and then "slag off" whoever was responsible on the journey home. Ben thinks that the ploughamns is a recent invention. Mike would pick a ploughmans as a pub lunch, which would include cheddar and then another "really exotic" cheese such as Wensleydale (naturally cave occurring) or Red Leicester. Ben's problem with a ploughmans is that it is the same price as other menu items that have been cooked - he wants it to hit the microwave, or to know that someone has slightly suffered to make it. Is a ploughmans a con as it is just assembling ingredients? Similar to ordering tea. Henry believes tea is a chemical reaction, whereas coffee is a suspension (stirring up a load of stuff that happens to be next to each other). Tea is therefore like a ham mousse, whereas coffee is your ham salad.
- Ben and Mike have never ordered a salad as a main in a restaurant (you want something you would never make at home). Britain wasn't eating salad 50 years ago and they were fine on their diet of suet and boiled mince. Adding ham to salad is like trying to find the halfway house between pre-war meat consumption (and organs - oesophagus quiche, gizzard flan, lung of the day) and "rabbit food"; both healthy and a little bit cruel - the ultimate centrist dish.
- France has a history of ham salads and Henry describes the saliva-inducing "Salade Parisienne". Ben has found the American version, which is less appetising and looks like a birthday cake made of meat that has been put through a shredder, or like someone has opened a clinical waste bin and thrown a jar of mayonnaise in.
- "Mini-plug" for screenings of Ben's short film "Daddy Superior" starring Mike Wozniak. Screenings and Q&A in London with Henry Paker on the boat Theatreship ("International waters baby"), and at Cultplex Manchester with Chris Cantrill.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Big Cath emails in about normative determinism, and that they could have picked a Dr Orifice to be their obstetrician. Good nomative determinism in the media, for example the weathermen "Keith Mist" and "Derek Hailstones", "Cedric Turd" who named turds, and the politicians "Derek Con Artist" and "MP Sarah Fibsalotanddoesnttellthetruthmuch".
- Aaron has emailed in about a Greek masseuse on holiday who diagnsoed everyone (accurately) with different conditions such as working at a desk, deep psychological trauma, and "liquid shits". Mike gives many reasons why someone would have shit up their back - he would be good at a tribunal.
¶ Jingles
- 7.05 - Satire
- 15.30 - musical interlude whilst Mike answers the door
- 23.41 - Bean Machine
- 38.03 - America
- 43.45 - Emails
- 51.18 - Patreon
- 57.56 - Simon's Daft Punk-esque version of the theme tune
¶ Bollockings
- No specific bollockings, but Aaron comments that there is a "Goldilocks zone" for bollockings, either there is an error-free episode, or there are too many that it becomes an insummountable task. He references the inaccuracy of the Vikings episode, which Ben thinks the Beans were quite accurate with. Ben also thinks that if Aaron wants to bollock the Beans he should, and not "pussyfoot" around it.
¶ Notable Quotes
- "Oh they've chiselled Nicholas Lyndhurst into that tree that's a nice touch"
- "But no, it's one of Britain's medium-tier podcasters shitting on your bunting"
- "You're a wastrel, this guy's supposed to be running the country"
- "Where's your beaker Starmer?"
- "Why are you singing like you've got a funky lizard in your throat?"
- "Enjoyment is the path to hedonism"
- "No one was leaving school without knowing how to make a crouton"
- "God, you've made an absolute ham salad of this Henry"
- "The chef may have seared his hand accidentally whilst cooking this beef - delicious"
- "Let the bollockings roll in!"
- "And I can retrospectively derail something Ben"
- (about "liquid shits") "But I don't say suffer from necessarily, I say enrich my life and the lives of those around me with"
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- It was a sour one, because "no one could find Desmond". In the end, Kelly Vivanco drew a magic eye cartoon of the essence of Desmond.
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Ben stuggles to say "let's finish off with a version of our theme tune" - he has been under the weather but has been a "brave boy".
- Simon has sent in a Daft Punk style version of the theme tune - Mike was listening to Daft Punk driving home late after a gig the night before, and finds it good driving music.
- Henry says that he never heard Ben's review of "Romeo's Tune" (as discussed earlier). Ben's review is simply "tosh".