¶ Opening Chat
- Ben has been in prison for 3 weeks (a rare sentence). Ten years in a British slammer (jacuzzis, Sky packages, PS1,2,3... (older ones on the retro wing)) or consolidate into 3 weeks in a Burmese prison. Ben is now ripped from fleeing the zombie tiger cockroaches (lovely puppy phase), the mother of whom will install themselves in your back if you dare to kill her spawn. She is a mix of an eyeball, an anus and a vulva: super-efficient and able to count her offspring as they are born from its anus (a constant live endoscopy puts it in a very bad mood). The constant checking for anal health does make the atmosphere in the prison more intense. Need a retinue of fighting chickens, of whom you must become the alpha (hence Ben's time at Barney's gym doing chicken boxing training on the rubber beak bags and a feather boy/buoy (both are available)).
- Ben did holiday in Kazakhstan but Henry wants to keep talking about the Burmese prison, when Ben wrote letters using nasal blood on flaps of his own skin (human vellum) and gave them to Andrew Tate to smuggle out. Ben uses ornate calligraphy like a monk and the formal language of his Habsburg past. Ben's marsupial pouches do help in providing spare skin. His nickname in the prison was The Professor (because of his glasses) but all the legal advice he gave out was based on Habsburg 1753 accords and thus useless in Burmese law.
- All the books in a Burmese jail are Terry Wogan's autobiography. Ben introduces 'The Floral Dance' to Mike and Henry and plays them the song's Top of the Pops appearance (unusually starting with a euphonium). Wogan has only two notes in his range, he is bi-note-ular. What era is being invoked? A combo of pagan and martial.
- Terry Wogan explainer – as loved as the Queen, host of the definitive 80s chat show. He had the lightness of touch that comes from smoking 70 B&H a day. He was Henry's first crush and he's then always sought Wogan types: double-breasted jackets, brass buttons, thick grey sideburns, far-fetched comb-over. An unproblematic 70s fave: no Parkinson-esque sexism with Helen Mirren, married to the same girl since she was 12, politically right of Genghis Khan (hence the Victorian vibe of The Floral Dance) at a time when political opportunists saw... opportunities (Henry is not a safe booking on The Today Programme, one step removed from the taxi driver who accidentally ended up on the news). Ben liked Terry Wogan's radio show because it was full of in-jokes like Alan Dedicoat (Voice of the Balls), who was buried with him as noted in the small print of The Floral Dance ("Join my radio show and you shall die with me"). Henry's impression of how slow Wogan's style was also proves he's not a safe booking, as Amol Rajan and Nick Robinson have to confirm each day.
- Wogan was a template of male, middle-agedness for Henry. He and his guest would hitch up their trousers before sitting: a core memory for Henry. What was that about? Has trouser technology moved on? Higher waistline, less builder's bum, no low-slung jeans. Henry associates male leg-crossing with Wogan's era (do it languidly, thigh over thigh). Ideally the fingertips will be pressed together to signal a top-drawer anecdote. Long socks and garters era. Ben posits outside of ankle onto top of knee, which Mike finds obscene. Mike chooses the 'brace brace' position as default, so he's meteoroid- and earthquake-ready. This means he can't see Stanley Tucci as a cardinal without a series of make-up mirrors.
¶ Topic Chat
- "Alright, come on" from Henry signals the start of the topic section.
- Ben wonders if anyone has been to space as a tourist. Mike thinks some oligarchs have but is that real space? Where does space begin? Henry clears this up for the others (and is available to do so on The Today Programme) with a scotch egg comparison. The super-heated egg is the core. The Earth isn't perfectly round, like an egg, as nothing is in nature (apart from a squash ball, the fruit of the rubber tree). Henry's Latin (QEV, sic, pro temp, deus ex machina). The atmosphere is the fug around the egg. The meat of the scotch egg is the humans and animals. The crispy breadcrumbs can be found on the Earth's crust (QVC, RAF, quo vardis). Scotch egg fug (the atmosphere) can be experienced only when opening the packet in your kitchen. Henry hands over to Mike to explain what space is (Nick Robinson: "Thanks, Dr Paker... Cut to the sport!... Out vile jelly!").
- Ben thinks there's a bit between Easyjet flight and space (the bit in Top Gun) where the space tourists go. You can see the curvature of the Earth ("Hello!") and float about experimenting with water. James May will have done this, but does it count?
- Is it tourism though? No cultural museum, no bike hire. Least culture of anywhere on Earth (and Henry's been to Exeter). Henry attempts a switcheroo comparing the cold expanse of space to Derby but Ben steals his switcheroo thunder so he pivots to St Ives, which Mike reminds him is a beautiful location with world-class art. Henry proves with this that Three Bean Salad isn't safe (Joe Rogan hasn't the guts to do this, but then he hasn't heard of St Ives).
- Henry apologises for the St Ives stuff and asks what's happening.
- The main things you do on holiday: caves, waterfalls, cathedrals/museums – God and grottos. The risk with a grotto is who you go with. Mike went in a tour group with someone who burned the soles of his feet on the jumbo Toblerone central part of the boat on the way to the grotto, ruining his family's holiday by proxy.
- When Ben was in Kazakhstan he went on a minibus to see grotto-adjacent things (a canyon, a frozen lake) in minus eight temperature. Henry thinks Ben wouldn't have had the right coat for these temps as he remembers Ben being allergic to geese and ducks (down) in his coat. Ben explains that the coat (about which Henry and Ben were in correspondence) came from Vinted and gave him an asthma attack (but he was warm). Henry is stunned that Ben took 'the death quilt' on holiday (Mike: 'what an incredible risk to take') but it was actually just a bit mildew-y (mildew-infested health hazard of a coat: lovely bit of retail therapy) and needed airing out and was then fine.
- Ben ate a lot of horse (emotional beef) in Kazakhstan.
- A bloke from India on the minibus trip was just wearing a tracksuit in minus eight temps, doing a cartoon teeth chatter. His Wozniak moustache was the only thing keeping him warm. His wife was livid. Ben went to a horse sanctuary and wondered if the man did have a coat but fell over in the horse shite at the sanctuary and ruined it. The horse sanctuary was a freebie after collecting horse head stamps on the Horse Abbatoir Loyalty Card. The ground was mostly frozen shite with occasional melted, slippery bits. Ben discovered his talent for skating on frozen horse shit and will be starring in 'Dancing on Shite' (and is trying to get it into the Winter Olympics: Jane Torvill is for it but Clare Balding is a shite traditionalist who favours shite wading at room temperature).
- Ben reminds Mike he was staying in a city of two million people when Mike wonders if he saw the cold Indian man again, which Henry picks up on as a slam and an example of Ben showing his teeth ('waste of my fucking time, these absolute fucking chumps'/'they've brought fucking traditional ice skating boots to a horse shit rink, fucking idiots').
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Caitlin from Massachusetts emails with a DIY disaster (a middle-of-the-road, Radio 2 request). Sprung from Mike's ladder fall, which resulted in a tortoise being ingested into his body which will outlive him, so Mike becomes the problem, like a parasite, but they can inject through Mike's "abdominum" (near the cloacal mound) with anabolic steroids (not any of the other kinds). If an Alien-style chest burst were to occur, it would be very slow but at least you can cover it with clothing (unlike an arse-burst, which means being unable to ride a bike). Mike's family have a sweepstake re where the tortoise will burst out (have drawn on him with Sharpie). In reality, still no sign of Egg. Will he turn up at Easter when an army of people will be hunting eggs? Caitlin's dad was renovating a bathroom and taped himself into the room with duct tape (Henry imagines he had taped himself to the wall like a mother Alien ('become the wall!') rather than taping around the door). Her dad then found a beehive in the walls (the irony! a case of 'his own petard') but wisely leaves out the stings. Clarification of duct tape, not gaffer – from the kidnapping section of the DIY shop. King Charles-style sausage fingers would suddenly mean you couldn't remove the tape. Henry mixes up bees and beards.
- Eva from Bristol has a fond memory of her dad swearing when trying to fix a treadmill to the floor of a home gym ('fucking shit, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck' is also how Mike wakes up) and bursting a pipe. He screamed 'Towels!' at her – was this her name (sister called Guest Towels / estranged brother called Buckets)? Water pouring through a light is terrifying. A room covered in towels becomes a Miss Haversham place that you'll never go back into.
¶ Jingles
- Explainer for Non-British Listeners (9:13)
- Listener Dan from Virginia's Bean Machine jingle à la Joe Cocker (not Eddie Cochran, cue Ben's impression of The Beatles/Cocker's 'With A Little Help From My Friends' sung 'the wrong way', the medevac way). Mike is impressed with Dan's 'backing singers'. Ben is worried about copyright with this one and The Floral Dance earlier. The rights-holder is an ancient bearded crow and the idea of spring, so don't wander into a stone circle by midsommar or you'll end up with an instant, non-reversible petrified dick. Chip it off and send it to a foe/Pho (paucity of fish sauce) – dragging in the legal might of the Pho corporation. Send it to your foe as a fig leaf (Henry means an olive branch) – need to check with the wedding planner about the Adam and Eve theme. Your petrified dick will be served to your foe on a bed of cress and his daughter will be a Phil Collins impersonator (available at short notice) wearing a daughter costume on top of his gorilla costume. Henry thought Dan's Cocker jingle rang a bell but didn't realise it was a Beatles cover, proving he wouldn't have signed The Beatles. Henry's colander metaphor for his own forgetfulness: he strains Mike and Ben's banter. Mike is a bowl / Henry is a colander. (20:11)
- Emails (45:45)
- Patreon (57:44)
¶ Notable Quotes
- As soon as 'Wogan' is over, everyone in the living room stands up, sings the national anthem and goes to bed.
- Not only not a safe booking, but also not an appropriate booking for any news story I can think of.
- He's got medevac voice.
- Are you taking on the people at Pho?
- I'm not sure if it's a lumpy daughter or a daughtery lump.
- A colander doesn't work if it doesn't have holes in it. / A real catch-all phrase. / Well it's not a catch-all, that's the point; it's a colander.
- Greetings, Earthlings. I am your new banter chief.
- St Ives should be called St Hives because I'd rather break out in them than visit that place again.
- My partner's going to love the glow in my face as she punches a biro through my throat so I can breathe again.
- Nobody can skate on horse shit like this boy!
- A rival TV show: 'Wading Through Shite, with Clare Balding'.
- Or maybe you don't know the population densities of cities in Kazakhstan for some reason.
- When they find Egg, will they stick a spade through him, hoping that lots of tiny Maltesers fall out?
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Henry reminds the listener that there is 'no more lacuna' (pretentious way of saying space) now that the previously fallow months are full of Patreon content.
- Reverse Valentines Day (84 patrons!)
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Darren Keg (sounds like a Viz character: Daren Keg and his Nasal Peg? Darren Keg: He's Got A Dick Like A Leg? Darren Keg And His Round-the-Clock Explosive Diarrhoea (This week he's visiting a linen factory! What could go wrong?)?) is learning how to use synths, including bass farts, to make an Acid House version. Darren lists various synths and apologises to Henry.