¶ Opening Chat
Henry launches into his own satirical version of an Oasis song. Ben is in Cardiff where Oasis are on tour tonight and the Beans are opening for them with Bean Machine stuff. Henry thinks Oasis should perform Scouse Reggae. In today's episode, Henry will be played by Stephen Graham.
Will Cardiff have to use the power station inside a mountain in order to provide enough electricity in the event of closing the stadium roof? They may also need the power station for Des Lynham's funeral, in the hope of regenerating him as the first immortal human in Project Lynham 4000. Currently, he is not at peace and not alive, and being slathered in factor 50.
Mike was in Wales yesterday and heard the Roof Chat and how no-one would want it closed.
Ben explains Cardiff is having a big week gig-wise, with a new outdoor venue (a field) providing perfect Alanis Morissette across the entire city. And Mastodon and Slayer. Ben wants to hear Stevie Wonder next week by standing near, or being disguised as, a metal wall. Alanis Morissette had originally started by dressing up as her own tribute act. Henry can't think of what she would be called and comes up with The Cheesy Boys.
Henry worries that Ben will be baked by the metal wall like at Pompeii, but will die grooving.
Their favourite Stevie Wonder songs are: Henry - I Just Called to Say I Love You/ Mike - Superstition/ Ben - Signed, Sealed, Delivered.
Last year, Henry went to Wireless Festival in Finsbury Park, where there were huge, Orwellian, metal walls erected to make the shareholders happy. Where are these shareholders and why is everything about them? Are music festivals all in the service of Big Tungsten?
He was there at a playground with his nieces and had to go through a security check to make sure he wasn't with Status Quo. His seven year old niece transformed into Francis Rossi, complete with ponytail. But the Met still stopped him getting in.
He also had to answer questions about Top Gun with a Q and A with the cast, as well as other tests involving chinos, wraparound sunglasses and skin flaking percentages. And his childhood bedroom was reconstructed, including Bishop Humphrey his pet ant.
They got into the playground where they could hear the music festival going on and Henry Shazamed the music which was Doja Cat.
Mike had tried to get tickets to Oasis which leads to the Beans' opinions on the band.
Henry and nieces thought they had bypassed Big Tungsten by hearing the music without paying, but Big Tungsten is always one step ahead.
¶ Topic Chat
'Archery' sent in by Charis from Los Angeles.
Mike sees an Archery Club practising in Exeter and thinks they look thoroughly miserable, shooting their arrows week in, week out. They have high-tech bows and a special glove. Safety wise, they made a mistake putting the cafeteria behind the targets, and in making their target-themed clothing.
You tell Carole, 'It's just a hobby' but a lot of men will be thinking they are using archery practice for the Zombie Apocalypse.
Ben had been to see 28 Years Later. Henry would put archers off by screeching at them and having a dummy head, shotgun and dartboard.
Ben wonders what it would be like to be hit by an arrow. Henry isn't sure that being cleaved in two by a halberd would necessarily kill you - the battlefield the next day would be like the morning after Glastonbury where you have a hangover and missed Neil Young.
Henry's impression of a horseman sounds like one of the guys from Daft Punk. Glastonbury came out of medieval battles. 'If Fatboy Slim gets to the top of the hill, you've had it.'
Why didn't the two fighting sides realise they canceled each other out and just sit and listen to Neil Young and eat hot wraps?
The Romans made good tanks out of their shields. Warfare has always been about tungsten industry and mutually assured destruction.
Was there ever an arrow that could have destroyed Londinium or Parisium?
It was Welsh Longbowmen who won Agincourt. And the yew tree, which made the long bows so rapid. The cross bows make boring films, like the William Tell one whose trailer was just people getting the bows ready. It is also one of the most spoilered stories of all time - boy has an apple on his head which is shot off. That's the whole story?
Ben looks up the plot: It is set in Switzerland, where William Tell is arrested for not bowing to The Hat that Gessler has placed on a pole. Gessler commands him to fire an apple off William's son's head using one arrow, which he does, on November 18th, 1307. Tell is asked why he took more than one arrow out of his quiver and confesses he took it out to shoot Gessler. Why did Gessler even risk letting him loose with a bow and arrow anyway when he could have set him over a cliff tied to a hog?
Gessler is cross with him so Tell is then bound and taken on a boat across Lake Lucerne to be thrown into a castle dungeon. But a storm causes Tell to break free and he leaps out and runs cross-country, triathlon-style, and shoots Gessler with his crossbow which he still has. His acts cause a rebeliion and bring about the boring part of the film, including Border Management, Smoking Policy and the Equality of the Federal Cantons.
Mike makes a plug for a book called 'The Girl with Gills' by Devonshire author Becca Rogers.
¶ Emails
Sharon from New Zealand writes a fantastic email about her wrestling an injured seagull into her cardigan and taking it to a vet in a holdall.
Should vets be bothered by people concerned about wild birds when 'Nature is just happening'? Ben had once rung the RSPCA about an injured seagull and they weren't bothered.
Sharon also sent in a story about a swarm of seagulls fighting over a friend's placenta in mid air.
Attenborough documentaries would look very different if vets got involved with treating malnourished termites.
Ben thinks the RSPCA would help deer, surely?
Mike thinks a Dartmoor ranger would just put a gun to its head.
Ben wants to hear from any listeners who are vets about what sort of animnals they would tend to.
Henry thinks urban vets look after pets only (an animal that a human has declared to have a certain status i.e. pets or livestock.) Owls are not self-presenting and none of them have the NHS app. They have the Provincial Dad attitude.
¶ Jingles
23:05 Bean Machine Jingle from Sam who sent it in in January 2023, scored for an epic Super Hero Film. ('Just be quiet for a minute Henry.')
43:18 Ipsrich sends in a bossanova email jingle with alternative lewd lyrics.
44:15 Diamond Harbour jingle
55:10 Bollock Back
59:45 Patreon
1:04:57 Pam Tribute (Chas and Dave Style)
¶ Bollockings
Henry, lemons are not a product of evolution but are manmade by Citroen and tungsten.
Ommo, in the vein of Radio 4's The Moral Maze with Michael Buerk, who is shocked by the lack of public bollockings provided to Ben about texting at 1.30am. There was an IntraBollock, but was that enough? Bollock Back.
Who turns their phones to Silent at night? Mike doesn't. But he would if he was a tradesman.
Henry sends emails at antisocial times as wants to get his thoughts sent through. Mike tells him he can set up a time delay on emails which Henry didn't know.
Harry emails good news that his hands were unharmed while driving but says that, having heard Henry singing all 5 voices in an acapella version of 'Mr Sandman', Harry got disorientated and crashed into the car in front of him. He would now like compensation in the form of a Hyundai i10, which the Beans will send him every week for the rest of his life.
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
Henry mentions that the Beans are going to be watching ABBA Voyage and releasing it as a pod on the Patreon in the future.
The Lounge tonight is: Sultanas Show and Tell.
¶ Listener Theme Tune
Paul from Bremen heard the Episode 'Dogs' and was inspired to write a special late-night, smoke-filled room, beer-swilling, hat-tipping, plinky-plonky, dinky-donky, down to Margate pie and mash plate of Chas and Dave style tribute to the Enigma of Pam.