¶ Opening Chat
Henry adds to the smug wholesomeness of weekend activities having stumbled across a public-access dog show in a London shopping centre where he set the Guide Dog training back by three years and created Liability Hounds. He especially loved the Alsatian which was possibly investigating serious financial crimes as well as training to be a Guide Dog (leather-collar crime).
When Mike mentioned how patient Alsatians can be with children, it evoked a memory in Henry of his bond with a French Alsatian who would jump over hedges for him. He realises he loves them because they could hurt you but choose not to - like Jason Statham with a little leather collar, on all fours. Ben thinks you can describe any animal by starting with Statham e.g. lop off the head and add fins = puffer fish!
On the way to Mach, Henry encountered an XL Bully dog on a train to Birmingham. It had the body of Statham but the head of Gordon Ramsay, and the walk of Tom Hardy, with the terrible fashion choice of a Buble-esque muzzle.
Henry was planning to deploy a Wall of Pensioners to protect himself from the dog but a floppy, posh, sweet dunce of a dog was also in the carriage and Henry was caught between the two, fearing being caught in the jaws of the class war.
Brick 432 was also very frightened but Henry held her at crayonpoint while another godsend of a woman went to Sort Things Out.
Back to the shopping centre and hats off to the people who train Guide Dogs.
The centre piece of the dog show was Dogs That Work in Showbusiness (as opposed to the Arms Business providing Guide Dog Guided Missiles). Starring at the show was the dog who Pierce Brosnan bonded with in the crime show with Helen Mirren. A sausage helmet is vital in such circumstances.
The guy presenting the dog show kept slagging off his co-host Jill. No-one in the audience gave a shit about him and Jill - they just wanted to see another dog.
The biggest showstopper was a little dog from Doc Martin, a show known for its dog stunts. When its face was peeled back it was Jason Statham dressed as Martin Clunes.
Carole from America was a huge Doc Martin fan and got to re-enact a scene with a severed finger. Henry also loved the free cheese fingers from the Gail's concession stand. They didn't help Carole back on a ranch in Montana.
¶ Topic Chat
Gabby, probably a 140 years old promenading pensioner, sent in the topic of, 'The Sixties.'
The Sixties really only happened in 4 streets in London whereas the rest of the country was still in the Fifties: awful, going to work in a factory, tepid tea, spam, brown sauce and suet on everyone's trousers the whole time.
Henry speaks from an illustrator's point of view where, if you draw things from the Sixties, it wasn't really from that decade, but morelike the 1840s.
Most people running things were war veterans, e.g. the BBC being run by an Admiral, and David Attenborough just letting Monty Python get on with things.
Similarly, in the US, Frank Zappa said that, in the Fifties and Sixties, the business men hired young people to be the A and R men whereas, when those kids took over twenty years later, they had lost touch with what the actual young people wanted.
Henry wonders if that is why we are now living in a time where nothing is new and everyting is watery, putrid, poisoned swill: 'Welcome to Three Bean Salad.'
Ben had heard of feedback on a script with the executive having used AI to write the letter. The idea of the antique mirror had never been mentioned in the script though.
But 'It has Lyndhurst written all over it.'
Synopsis of 'The Lyndhurst Loop'.
The 60s was an exciting time for culture in that a lot of new stuff did happen, like modern music being invented, eg The Beatles.
But Ben also likes listening to music from the 50s, inspired by Henry, the Doowop King.
Henry then launches into an acapella version of Mr Sandman where he plays all five members of a barbershop quintet! 'It's beeboppa brilliant - 7 stars!'
His lyrics include, 'Mr Sandman bring me a bream' - it's 2 for 1 on breams at the canteen!
Who sung it originally? The Nesbitettes? The Manson Family? The Cordettes.
Henry is rather mystified by the fact that the Sandman actually answers at one point in the song, and yet is not credited on the record.
The Sandman entered Mike's consciousness via Metallica (shout-out to their barbershop album which is underrated.) He thought the song was about a Magic Bean.
Henry brings up Dion, and a song which was wrecked by Status Quo, 'The Wanderer.' He explains that there will be a lot of rumpy pumpy type singing on his tour - and Newcastle will be 'The tip of the breamberg'. Luckily, he has been able to keep Sting as a hostage for the length of the show, his only stiplulation being that he has a choice of hot sandwiches, a packet of wet wipes, and some still and sparkling water mixed together. Henry is not allowed to make any jokes about him having tantric sex.
The Beans are going to Newcastle on their tour too.
Henry then launches into 'The Book of Love.'
Ben's thesis is that music didn't change that much in the 60s from what had gone before.
Henry explains where Rock and Roll came from...he has no idea. 'Thanks to Stuart Maconie for putting that in for us.'
Is there no more cultural progression any more?
Perhaps that is both true and boring.
Mike's kids are interested in the 90s and love Radiohead, Friends, Nigel Kennedy, Gary Rhodes and Keith Floyd.
Hanry mentions that teenagers now like 90s fashion and that he had seen some all dressed as Gordon Brown.
Ben wants to know if Mike's kids see the 90s differently than it actually was. Mike explains they need him to be distanced from their experience of it - instead of being a chance to bond over the Cash for Questions scandal. Henry thinks it would be a difficult moment for Mike to see his daughter going out for the night dressed as Christine Hamilton.
Henry thinks there is an inherent coolness to be able to see through the present cultural swill and to go back and know something from before. Which is why he spent a year at school as a flapper girl, Shanghai Sally.
When he was at Uni, the 70s were cool. Do you get into what your parents liked?
Mike loved his dad's record collection - Clapton, ELO, Led Zepplin, and tons of Blues and Folk. in the 90s he would have been very rude about the 80s - immediately rejecting the decade before you.
So, the 2010s to teenagers now are naff - what are they? Adele? Can't even see it.
Trouser width is moving quickly. Middle aged men get trapped by trouser fashion in what Nostrodamus referred to as Trousermageddon where trousers are wider than they are long. He also predicted Gordon Ramsay's 'Hell's Kitchen.'
The 60s, 70s and 80s had their own flavour.
The 90s had Techno - which Mike loathed. Blur were Kinksesque, and Oasis more Rolling Stones.
But then it was Noughties, with Britney wearing low-slung denim.
They have no idea about the 2010s.
Henry thinks something has changed now as you can listen to anything now. Back 'In our day' they could only listen to a physical record collection and get advice from Jo Whiley about what to buy next. But now we have full cultural access to everything: Schubert, Ravel, Wagner, The Frog Chorus.
AI is not helping this as it creates the average cultural huel. Maybe we are at peak fertile swill - which will birth Ben's poems.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
Russell from Nova Scotia writes about Henry's assertion that 'Congratulations' is the only word that when you say it to someone it is conferred to the other person. He thinks, 'Condolences' and 'Greetings' also fall into the same category.
Another email on the subject from Assistant Professor of Philosophy in the Department of Philosophy, Dr Al Niqua, who states that she does not listen to the pod (great neg) but is married to someone who does. She works in the USA and the Beans wonder if the Woke Police might be attacking the institution where she works. There are many long-suffering spouses, many of whom walk out of the Bean Liveshows with ashen faces, heading for the Divorce Booth.
She tells the Beans that these type of words are called, 'Illocutionary acts' (not Pakers). They are bits of speech that enact themselves, eg 'I promise.' (Not 'Oi!') The Beans try out sarcastic condolences, which is 'Rarely appropriate.'
She completes her first ever bollocking.
Henry has not got this at all and wonders if his PIN number counts. (It doesn't.)
He accepts the bollock and, in doing so, realises he is committing an Illocutionary act!
Cath emails about The Vikings episode and her deciding to make up her own nickname when she was 8. No-one ever used it but she wanted to be called, 'Rodeo' and to be seen as wild and untameable (living, as she did, in the Derbyshire Dales.) She feels her husband loves her less each time she tells the story. Mike says they love her more.
¶ Jingles
26:50 The Illustrator's Chair
31:40 The Lyndhurst Loop
46:37 Provincial Dad
51:27 Email
59:55 Patreon
¶ Notable Quotes
I stumbled across a sort of public access dog show, that was happening...
“That’s probably because you don’t think at all!! Do you?!?!”
I don’t think Police Dogs yet do serious financial crimes…
Have you not heard of White Collar Woof Squad?
Even Alastians have their limits!
And I got what they referred to as slow release rabies!
Are you trying to help us to imagine a dog?
“You CAN describe any animal on earth starting with Statham!”
We're aware of the laws around this dog, but we're not going to ABIDE by them...
You were going to flush yourself out at a station, weren't you?
Henry: “Look, if you’re going to be a human shield, you have to stop talking like that!”
Mike: “Or I’ll start to think of you as a person! Don’t tell me your name!”
It was on some sort of improvised cable made of what appeared to be human viscera.
I had a human wall to maintain.
And Henry Paker’s acapella doo-wop group will be touring this Autumn!
It’s a coup de bebop!
Mike: “Coming to a cross-channel ferry near you!”
Ben: “You’ll really want to get off by the time you get to Cherbourg!”
But if you like cheap bream, it might be worth sitting through.
And as I tried to explain to the Headmaster as I was marched off the premises, “I’m sorry, but that floral fan was covering my genitals at every stage of assembly this morning! If you go back and look at the CCTV!”
“If you play Rick Astley one more time, I’m going to propose to you.'
I nearly said “in our day”, thank fuck I stopped myself!
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
The Financial Ramifications of trying to Launch a Black Forest Gateau Flavour Handcream
¶ Listener Theme Tune
Henry Paker improvising a Barber Shop Three Bean Salad version! (With heavy explanations and reference to the chosen beat of 'Rococo'.)
His singing sets off Ben's fire alarm.