¶ Opening Chat
Ben recently thought he had had a stroke of genius when he was on his way to get a plane but had realised he had a penknife on him. Ben 'Blade' Partridge had once been given a bollocking by a huge, German security guard at Frankfurt Airport for having a razor on a flight, so he knew that he would not be able to take the penknife on to the plane. (Henry gets confused as to where Ben was going - to LA via Frankfurt - and completely loses all the threads of the tangential anecdote.)
Ben never found out what punishment he would have got for taking the razor blade into Germany, but it would probably have involved shaving everyone.
Ben did not want to lose his engraved penknife as it had been given to him by his brother-in-law (from Kent), so he had 2 minutes to think about how to keep it but not take it on the train/ plane. He wondered about burying it nearby but the outside area at Cardiff Central Station was all paved.
Mike suggested Ben could have dangled it down a drain, but Ben didn't think of that. Henry suggests Ben could have hidden it in a Toblerone in WH Smiths, but it would have to be behind something that no-one was going to buy. Ben suggests the book that Adam Kay wrote and Henry illustrated, 'Amy Gets Eaten' and Henry retaliates by suggesting Ben's book '100 Cool Things About Me' but says it was never publsihed!
Ben's actual brainwave was to ask the staff to put it in Lost Property for him to collect when he got back home. He felt like a genius! But, when he returned, he found that the Lost Property had all been taken to an off-site Lost Property office which he now has to drive to in order to retrieve it.
Henry enjoyed the anecdote but didn't understand it - much like trifle.
¶ Topic Chat
Douglas from Michigan sends in the topic, 'Laundry'.
Henry finds it soothing to hear the laundry in the washing machine, hanging it up, folding it and putting it away. Mike and Ben can't quite hide their astonishment at this.
Ben's perspective is that laundry is the worst thing about being a human.
Mike feels like a useful human being when he starts the laundry process but finds it very hard to maintain the momentum to put it all away.
Henry breaks the tasks up into chunks and has a method of folding all his Tshirts up together.
Mike thinks this sounds very annoying for 'Tomorrow's Henry' but Henry doesn't care about Tomorrow's Henry as has been 'Completely fucked over by Yesterday's Henry' so is taking it out on Tomorrow's by doing even less today.
All three Henrys are involved in a rolling conflict.
What is your sock-folding policy?
Mike might do one pair then take the rest of the day off.
Henry was taught by his mother to make sock shrews (?) but gets his hands trapped in both socks and needs the Fire Brigade (call-out fee £700.)
Henry finds the laundry cycle antientropic. He likes the small victories, like if you were covered in mud and cream, maybe from a food-based Sealed Knot event, and a German guy had a Dachshund who was licking your nuts.
Ben may be driving the forces of entropy and never gets to Laundry Zero. He has had a sarong at the bottom of his laundry basket since 2016. He bought it for wearing at Copacobana beach in Brazil where a woman had commented that Ben and his partner were 'So white you look like condensed milk.'
When wet, his sarong transferred some ink on to him and so he has not washed it with other things since he bought it.
He goes to get it and Henry sees it and notices that it has a design of Christ the Redeemer which Ben had never noticed. Maybe it had been transformed in a miracle at the bottom of the laundry basket!
Henry had two things at the bottom of his laundry basket: a shirt that will need ironing after washing, so he never washes it, and also a scrap of paper with a cartoon of Mike Wozniak on it!
Ben would like people to email in if they have ever achieved Laundry Zero.
Henry thinks it is like never getting to Dishwasher Zero. He sees the forces of entropy as always begriming and besliming.
Ben sees it as tragic. Henry as heroic. And Mike is too busy to care.
¶ Emails
Giovanni from Turnpike Lane sends in an email jingle in 4 part harmony. Henry knows that is on the Northern Line. Mike can't help but comment, 'Blimey, there's probably only 30 million people who could do that'!
The jingle reminds MIke of Crash Test Dummies with Simon and Garfunkel vibes. Henry thinks it sounds like the theme tune to Friends mixed with the 60s. He gets out of his depth talking about harmonics and key changes.
It reminds Ben of the song, 'The Only Living Boy in New York.'
Henry suggests the Giovanni give himself a treat by going to Cockfosters (showing off that he knows the end of the Northern Line). Ben asks him what is at the other end and he can't think - 'Brighton?' No, it is Heathrow Terminal 4.
Email from Justin: he writes to tell the Beans that there is a Costa coming to the Safeway in Kahlua, Big Island, Hawaii. It seems a long way from the origin story of two Italian guys on a donkey in Swindon.
Ben thinks most businesses are not original. Henry then thinks the three of them should go into a shed business.
None of them likes the idea of a Costa on Hawaii - it gives Ben Leigh Delamere (Westbound) vibes.
Justin invites the Beans to do a tour show on Hawaii at the Captain Cook Memorial, the only piece of British Territory there, and only accessed by kayaks or a trek down a mountain.
He also invites them on a tour of the fish farm that he manages. 'He milks fish?!'
Dafydd writes in having seen a quote about Mike's 'The Bench' Tour at Cardiff Glee Club, which completely omitted to mention Ben as a fellow Bean. Henry had written the blurb...
Abby from Bath has been listening to early episodes. She works as an anaesthetist in Swindon and makes a Switcheroo about the grey, dull, monotonous journey. Her badge is in the post.
Charlotte emails in about mattocks. Henry can't remember if it is a fruit or a DIY tool. Or a shattock. Or a shaddock. Or a Taoiseach. Or a Craddock.
Charlotte had got a mattock one Christmas from her ex-husband. She had also previously received, aluminium ladders, a frying pan and a single wine glass. 'Congrats on the divorce!'
Raye's 'Where is my husband!' - He's out buying a mattock!
The song illustrates Ben's theory that bongos guarantee success.
¶ Jingles
16:11 Bean Machine
34:00 Email Jingle
46:37 The Old Switcheroo
50:50 Patreon
¶ Notable Quotes
I'm an outdoorsy man of the woods!
You've got to shave the terminal
I'm now controlling your anecdote from the inside
Presumably you have brought with you a ceremonial ship?
It was all paved to fuck
That's the Rochester Goodbye
One of us is technically a psychopath
Don't give me them big, wet eyes
It's arrogant to think you can ever get to Laundry Zero
You shouldn't have to take a manhole cover off to enter a flume
We may be looking at the first sarong miracle
It has very nice harmonics which are great things at the best of times
Imagine a high street shop that serves coffee
I don't think we're the best three people to be making sheds, Henry
Not all farming is milking
The key to pop success is bongos
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
It is the Annual 'Convince the Mayor a Dog is a Horse' Competition.
Announcement that there is new Pam merch! Or perhaps you could make a gift of a Patreon membership.
¶ Listener Theme Tune
Purple Strawberry and Mini Strawbs write in to chase an email sent earlier this year, exposing the fact that Ben has a very lax email system. It is egalitarian, however, and the Dreamy Dance version of the closing theme is played.