Can the Beans break the world record for chatting about pagans a bit? Find out now:
¶ Opening Chat
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Immediate pompidou from Ben discussing starting the podcast with more pizazz (Henry suggests like they introuduce footballers on Sky Sports)
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Mike has a knock on the door and receives a mystery parcel saying "contains edible items" and "octopus", it's full of grey ash ("cremated octopus?", Mike says he will check all his family members are accounted for), it's a present and the ash is in the lining of the envelope
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Ben suggests making the podcast more Clarkson-y, Ben suggests current audience are nice people and need to widen the demographic
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Henry talks about podcasts starting with technical issues ("befuddled and charming") – contrived intro with befuddled Henry, comments such as "Henry thats not a hat that's a giant sock" / "don't plug it into the end of your dick, Henry" from Mike, Ben doing Clarkson, charming background music and it all ending with Henry saying "i've got my dick stuck in my desk"
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Huge jet-ski bill – jet skiers are the "arch twats" of the coast – Portsmouth and snorkler muggings – holiday love affair with a sexy trout ("tiny come-to-bed eyes") – Henry suggesting anyone experiencing an "erotic event" is covered in slick moisture – sensuality and friction – a Marriott flooded with lube – chunks of frozen lube falling from flying aircraft
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Clarksoning comes naturally to Ben, not to Henry – they discuss Clarkson and how he might want to eat a dolphin
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Aqua-Barbie: "I guess Ken cant have a dick anymore"/ "Ken never had a dick, you spanner; he's the dickless king"
¶ Topic Chat
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Bean machine fires up at 15:54
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Need for respect discussing this topic – they discuss the film Midsommar, Henry has discussed it in detail to the Beans, cliff-based euthanasia
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Vikings really just came over to sell Tupperware and do aggressive leafletting – they discuss the origins of rambling and Millets / pub lunch
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Stonehenge was an early marker for the A303
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Christian festivals (including St Olaf's weekend, the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party and the Ryder Cup) originally being pagan
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The podcast hard to listen to if you're pedantic, no fact checking credit and if there was it probably would have credited to the wrong person
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Festivals are all "violence and banging" – Easter is about a giant rabbit laying eggs
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BC vs BCE (Ben goes Clarkson again and Henry suggests this will make it difficult to meet up with people)
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Ben suggests the new year 0 is when the podcast started – metric years – Henry suggests year 0 should be the first time an organism was conscious and they discuss the difficulties of this
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Henry's philosophy, he can't prove the others are conscious (Ben answers technical issues and Mike wore flip-flops so they must both be real)
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First organism was a crab and CE should stand for crab era – the first conscious creature may have been a prawn adopted by sparrows – birds are not conscious ("feathered drones") – consciousness might have just been something feeling a bit warm or itchy
¶ Emails
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36:40
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- Email from Stephen Smith (from Dragon Tech) included in main chat about pompidou discount (invoked 3 times), chat about the metal dragon, his pagan wedding to a ginger witch. Henry: "may Odin smile upon your phallus".
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- Dan (from Virginia) who believes that American actors say Chew-bocca and English actors say Chew-bacca. Henry and Mike make Chewbacca noises but Ben can't. Henry doesn't understand the email. They discuss the noise a French person makes as they fall off a cliff.
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- Craig (USA) saying the America jingle is problematic. He had to cross lanes of traffic, get a flag out and salute during the jingle, all with patriotic tears in his eyes. Henry surprised Ben had played the guitar ("topless, wind machine, onion knees").
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- Nicole (British Columbia) found an article about domesticated cassowaries as they imprint easily. Ben suggests they raise a 3 bean salad cassowary with 3 dads.
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- Joe (who has submitted the theme tune) is in a Depeche Mode tribute band. They discuss the kudos of this and band name puns (Le Pêche Mode, Depeche Modular, Depeche Wode, Depeche Chode, Depeche Toad). Henry suggests toads are "beneath contempt" and how a toad ruined a romantic meal on his honeymoon and ordering a "toad brulee"
¶ Jingles
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0:16 Pompidou
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10:16 and 34:20 Crab bell
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41:05 America
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47:10 Flightless Bird Zone
¶ Theme Tune
- Joe - lukewarm synthesiser version
¶ Bollockings
Ben (not from Bremen). It is the Miller's Tale not the Knight's Tale and Absolon kisses Alison's arse, mistaking her pubes for a beard and then she farts on him. Canterbury Tales the Musical starring Michael Ball's singing arse
¶ Notable Quotes
- [Jetskiers] are universally accepted to be the arch twats of the area.
- At the end of the day, sensuality is about getting rid of friction, that’s all it is.
- Well, I’d love to eat a dolphin. Try and stop me, Herman van Rompuy!
- Ken never had a dick, you bloody spanner. He’s the dickless King!
- May Odin smile on your phallus.
- Are you hoping that come across as befuddled and charming? Because I think you come across as a bloody nuisance.
- [Stonehenge] was an early marker so someone knew where to put the A303.
- If you're pedantic, listening to this podcast is going to be unbearable.
- Let’s go build a bloody henge, lads!
- Starring Michael Ball’s singing arse! It’s the Canterbury Tales live on stage for the first time!
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