¶ Opening Chat
Henry's Terrible Banana! Mike's audit of the library of horrific mouth noises from the HP mic. Henry apparently suffers from a synaptic syndrome resulting in his mucous and fluids needing constant motion though his nasal passages, where a tiny Minotaur resides - plea for a Micro Theseus - Mike: 'A banana should never sound like a vole has just cracked one of its ribs.'
Henry's Garden Sale of his internal organs. The banana begins its damage by preventing Henry from speaking clearly.
¶ Topic Chat
Henry as Sting: 'Why aye man I'm an alien' leads to reminiscence about Newcastle upon Tyne, 'I remember, I was once in a urinal there...'. The story is never finished as he then remembers his school tale of The Glove in the Urinal.
Talk of Bladder Leather. Henry's glove hunt took him to various locations at his school, including the Tadpole Pond, the Burnishment Centre, and the Forbidden Library holding the Necronomicon (including the Mills and Boon and pop-up versions.)
The story continues with wondering what the A-Team would do about rescuing the glove from the urinal - and musings about how getting what you really want isn't the same if it is covered in piss - leading on seamlessly to lasagne-based mafia movies, and using bay leaves as placebos.
If you stop for a piss by a spaceship, aliens may think it is a form of greeting. Alien-piss toxicity levels mean shin pads are a necessity.
Is there extra-terrestrial life out there? Mike: It's reasonable - 'I mean, we couldn't imagine the internet 50 years ago' - Henry: What about a Parallel Universe theory? (Ben: 'Here we go!') Henry: Everything is exactly the same except the banana was ripe. And, behind Mike's moustache, on his top lip, there is a production of The Tempest being staged, starring a mini Mark Rylance. Mark Rylance is so ubiquitous in that universe that the word for actor is Mark Rylance: 'No son of mine is going to be a Mark Rylance'
Henry tried to make a serious point about the universe being infinite (or '2 - 3 miles off infinite') but then remembers 'a really pretentious short story I wrote at school' ('conjured on less than 5 pages of A4') which turns out to be 'Cygnus X-1' - 'a satire involving a black hole.'
Maybe black holes are full of fivers and alien currency? (Ben: 'We need a black hole de change') The last line of the story is the same as the first line, so looping the reader back, black-hole like, ad infinitum. 'It's both clever and a huge cop-out', similar to 'The hot nonsense of Interstellar.'
Mike: Q: If there are aliens, why have we no actual proof? A: All civilisations eventually apocalypse themselves. Henry (more optimistic): Perhaps they decide to live in peace, keeping the Earth going as a warning video to show infant aliens how not to do things.
This premise could be the start of a film where all is well until a young, rebel alien hears the music of The Beatles, destroys the alien mono-note and starts a civil war, with the sides being for either Lennon or McCartney.
Kelly Vivanco’s Show Art
¶ Emails
The usual reminder that the emails do not necessarily have to be bollockings, causing Henry to ask, 'What is the opposite of a bollock?' and surmising it to mean 'A bollock-shaped space'. Ben protests causing a further question from Henry: 'What does an opposite mean then?' They then cover what the opposite of 'Up' might be: salt, pepper, down, the absence of up, Bristol, arrows, before realising the answer is always EastEnders.
League table of dictionaries (including the Phil Collins). Henry is proved right in his definition, and Mike suggests using 'Contra-positive' as a new word.
A sequence of opposites ensues taking in: a canal holiday, bubblegum, and the Crimean War.
Georgia's email about assless chaps (as referred to in Biscuits ep.) sets off another discussion on the recent sub-topic of Opposites: 'So what is the opposite of trousers?' This leads to Ben's crowning moment as he bats away, in quick succession, every suggestion from the others.
¶ Jingles
2:16 - Digestive Tract Talk
16:42 - Lewd Content Warning
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
Sean Bean Lounge Masked Ball
¶ Listener Theme Tune
Piano-centric electronic version written in septuplets - sent in by Micah
¶ Bollockings
Listener Bollocking from Jack (RIBA) berating Ben for saying (in Elevators ep.) that Richard Rogers had designed the LSE library, prompting Henry to link Rogers to the design of the Reichstag whereas, in both cases, it was the work of Norman Foster.
Ben takes the bollocking with good grace and apologises. Henry however distances himself from any culpability, 'Any court in the land would exonerate me completely'. Mike: 'Henry, Henry, Henry, the lack of contrition is startling.'
¶ Notable Quotes
- I’m just in the middle of a terrible banana.
- What I’m looking for is a micro-Theseus.
- Henry, you’re sniffing that banana occasionally like a fine cigar, running it under your nose, like a dictator in a movie.
- The illustrated Necromicon / The pop-up Necromicon / Harry Potter and the Necromicon
- The bay leaf lobby has got its tentacles around us all.
- We’d abduct and probe a series of farmers.
- No son of mine is gonna be a Mark Rylance. Give up!
- He’d been trapped in a bookcase all along.
- Are you saying that you wouldn’t enjoy the music that’s produced by the Mononote Orb?
- Collins is your number one? Are you mad?
- The Phil Collins Dictionary?
- I’m strictly Samuel Johnson all the way
- But what is the opposite of contra-positive?
- I’ve never come across ass-ed chaps.
- Oh, what a surprise, Henry isn’t taking his bollocking.
- Henry “willing to die on any hill” Paker.