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¶ Opening Chat
The first episode to have adverts! Mogul intelligence has decided, using the format of a Squid Game, which ads best fit the podcast. Did Ben write Squid Game? He did once write an advert which was shot in black and white and featured Nicole Kidman at the Trevi Fountain. He was told to, 'Make this funny' but just ended up getting tinnitus from a very loud fire alarm.
The Beans all had to let the moguls know which brands they prefer, with Henry and Ben both hoping to get some Le Creuset freebies. Mike went for Snyder's of Hanover and D'Addario guitar strings.
Three Bean Salad is now a brand. They may soon have to rebrand. And also pivot. This may involve Henry stepping down as a Bean and, one day, there will be a Netflix special about him, an Original Bean who missed out when the Beans went on to buy a Space Station and El (Bean) Salvador.
Other creatives have missed out on things: the composer of 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow', and the guy who took the photo of Che 'Steve Ovett' Guevara.
Cat's eyes should remain politically neutral. There could be an episode of Black Mirror where Chris Rea drives home for Christmas and the cat's eyes disappear in front of him as he drives from Liverpool to London, top to tail in tailbacks, headlights or car lights.
Would Elon Musk tell the world he had invented cat's eyes? Like he invented the one man submarine suit that no-one wanted. Vigil was not quite in the Squid Game league, but it did have bunk beds with mini curtains.
¶ Topic Chat
Ben tried to get Halfords to fit a CD player in the Bean Machine but got a tow bar instead. A salute to the fallen heroes of Halfords who fell into the Bean Machine, Squid Game-style.
American biscuits are eaten with gravy, maybe like a fat, savoury scone. What are grits? Henry has applied to become legally Texan but always fails the grits question. He feels his assless chaps should be proof enough that he is Texan. As well as his Bucking Bronco.
What is a bronco? Ben and Mike thought it was a bull but it's a honce. Henry reckons he would buck if Mike climbed on to him. But Mike thinks he would soon tame him, before pushing a sword into his neck (while Henry is still wittering on.)
Ben will come into the arena in OJ Simpson's white Ford Bronco, after which Joss Stone (with the face of Macaulay Culkin and the body of Paul Gascoigne) will arrive on a Visigoth galleon.
Meanwhile, Henry will have been cubed and put on the barbeque but will be stringy and giving off a sour smell (which he takes very personally). Ben has been whisked off to the After Party with Elton John and Mika (who has the face of Halle Berry and a Dalek body).
Un-PC Commercial Radio of 3Bean FM - 'What's your favourite biscuit?' Mike is a custard cream man. 'Are you a dunker?'
Don't say it Henry....'Is a Jaffa Cake a cake or a biscuit?' You can talk about this at Exeter barbeques but can't bring it up at the nude salons Henry frequents.
Henry attempts to sum up the legal case of whether a Jaffa Cake is a cake or a biscuit and Ben is very angry with him. Ben thinks they should make it as a film, Grisham-style, starring Tom Cruise, Forest Whitaker, Ed Harris and multiple Nicole Kidmans. The judge would be played by both Gene Hackman and Werner Herzog who would not be impressed with a Jaffa Cake being used as their birthday cake.
Cut to the orange fields where the workers are cheering the court victory, 'Let's celebrate with oranges.' One guy doesn't like oranges so he is beaten to death. Then Gerard Butler blows them all up. Fin.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
Nathan references Henry's American Bacon story and gives the copyright all-clear for the Gershwin theme to be used in a film treatment set in New York.
Henry imagines being whisked away to Paris by Nathan.
Mike ends up in a volcano in Burkina Faso having tried to get a cheap studio to record 'Wozniak Does Gershwin'.
Wolves are released at Heathrow Terminal 4.
¶ Jingles
25:50 - Bean Machine
26:20 - America
40:48 - America (again)
54:26 - Patreon
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
The lounge as a subterranean club hosting 'Banana Night'
¶ Listener Theme Tune
Lilian from Kansas playing a Blue Grass version
¶ Bollockings
¶ Notable Quotes
- Were you the Phoebe Waller-Bridge of “Squid Game”?
- We keep it fresh, style-wise.
- You can’t really just put “own brand” can you? Own brand for everything please!
- I tend to weave a kind of narrative patio furniture, that will disintegrate in the rain.
- I had a Che Guevara hoody as a teenager, which tells you everything you need to know about me.
- Do we want to politicise cats’ eyes to that extent?
- Did you learn nothing from Suranne Jones’ “Vigil”?
- We can’t retain the knowledge of grits.
- These assless hard leather trousers should be all the proof I need!
- If you climbed onto me, Mike, I’d imagine I’d buck. Certainly, after enough time I’d buck.
- Even in your death throes, even internally wittering, still wittering till the very last.
- Three Bean FM!
- Voiced by Werner Herzog but bodied by Gene Hackman, and then they swap that round scene by scene.”
- He looks up at the gallery and there’s 58 Nicole Kidmans all smiling and waving at him.
- WarSeahorse! The new smash hit play!