¶ Opening Chat
A peek into the surroundings the Beans record in: Henry is surrounded by Hungarian diplomats, artists, and furniture made of contortionists and acrobats; Ben by stuffed and semi-stuffed woodland animals; Mike is broadcasting from a garage and is surrounded by illegal memorabilia, including a trench from the First World War. He has a poster of the Amalfi Coast which conceals an escape route into Margaret and Colin's house next door.
He likes to work on the Unconditional Love Machine which has the eyes of a wild boar and settings for (among other loves): Platonic, Fraternal and Avuncular, as well as a setting for Companionable Silence.
Mike tells of his exploits of living as a truffle pig. And then a truffle: 'Oh, the number of times I've been suffused into a cheese, I can't tell you'.
Ben tells the saga of The Christmas Beef which, naturally, leads to the origins of French Philosophy: 'I cook beef overnight, therefore, I am.'
¶ Topic Chat
Marking the death of Richard Rogers, there is a new, sombre Pompidou jingle and a moving tribute from Mike, 'May the escalator to Heaven have a very clearly visible working mechanism.'
Ben's University library had a giant spiral staircase which caused thigh strain.
The Reichstag building might make you think about democracy but Henry prefers just to have a nice square room and to know where the toilets are , so naysaying the concept of architecture ('Though I like a window; I think windows are important.')
Costa Coffee as 'The ultimate expression of human architecture' (squat and hot)
The Three Costa Toilets: a bayou/ a spooky chilly one/ one with the golden throne of the little Bog Sovereign. The Disabled Toilet offers high-end office space with baby-changing facilities doubling as a bed or desk, and samovar of coffee, and croissants readily available for meetings.
Henry reveals that he has a Caffé Nero toilet key in his desk drawer! He is the Scarlet Pimpernel of London's toilets.
Some eventual chat about elevators and where to look when sharing a lift with someone. Is it an awkward encounter where you just close your eyes, or could you shake their hand and shout, 'Hello! I see you!'? And offer to go caravanning with them? And fill the lift with water and then fire?
'I'd take the stairs if I were you Henry.'
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
Email from Sperbs causes Henry to deflate his 'Keep Going Henry' balloons. Sperbs insults the efforts of the listeners who have sent in theme tunes, then also turns on Ben's jingles. This is too far for Henry who leaps to Ben's defence. Sperbs' awful/ genius theme tune renders the Beans hysterical. They have been Audio-Sperbed.
¶ Jingles
15:45 - America
16:35 - Royal
17:20 - Pompidou Requiem
18:55 - Mega Digestive Tract Talk
40:50 - Pam barking!
43:50 - Sperbs' Version of the Theme Tune (listen with caution)
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
Design Your Own Board Game' night
¶ Listener Theme Tune
Sperbs' terrible, 'not first dance at your wedding' version.
Much better Three-Part Gargled Version from Johnny, Ed and Susie
¶ Bollockings
Listener Bollocking of the Week from Matthew for Henry: minus 500 celcius does not exist! Absolute Zero is minus 273.15 degrees celcius, but Henry suggests that it can in fact go even colder by various methods, including blowing on it or putting it in a chilly social atmosphere.
Confusion over whether it is 29 or 115 degrees when it is 'bloody hot outside'. Mike explains, 'Celcius works for both.' Henry still can't grasp the concept. Verdict: 'Watch this Bollock'.
Kara sends in a Re-Reflecto Bollock over the Fridge/Freezer debate. Kara puts eggs in the fridge and fudgesicles in the freezer. Henry buckles under the pressure of having to deliver a Reflecto Re-Reflecto Bollock and says he's feeling tired. He would, in future, prefer to delegate bollocking to a defence team who knows his philosophy. Ben would be the receptionist and Mike would be chasing half a sausage around the car park. Henry would be the CEO of Bollocking Corp. Verdict: An Abortive Reflecto Re-Reflecto Bollock that will not get back across the Atlantic but will fizzle out somewhere near the Scilly Isles.
¶ Notable Quotes
- The number of times I’ve been bloody suffused into a cheese, I can’t tell you.
- You’ve got to safety net the Christmas meats.
- I cook beef overnight, therefore I am.
- Nature Pompidous us all, doesn’t it, eventually.
- A little bog sovereign.
- What I like about the hand dryer in there is that it’s thrusting, violent and quick. It’s the way I’d like to be killed.
- You’ll see on the changing table there is a samovar of coffee and a bowl of croissants, please help yourself!
- And do not pull the red cable, as that will alert a staff member to our presence here.
- I am the Scarlet Pimpernel of London’s toilets. “He’s struck again!”
- We’ll be alive while we’re dying, won’t we!?
- Don’t hit us in the jingles!
- We’ve been, for the first time, audio Sperb’d.
- He’s put the bollock on ice!
- A fudgesicle? A fudge sickle is quite a disturbing idea.