¶ Opening Chat
Are caged birds allowed in this day and age? They are very useful in catching murderers so, yes. Henry has window blinds and can hear a bird behind one of them and gets the others to play 'Diagonal Window Jeopardy Bird Attack!' It feels like a 70s game show where contestants compete for a fridge but risk being mauled by a real puma (as opposed to Russ Abbot in face paint).
The gameshow would be presented by Bradley Walsh, who must now be in line to be Britain's next Prime Minister as that is the route to the top job, as shown by Gladstone, Disraeli, Thatcher and Blair.
Mention of the After Dinner Speaker circuit and speculation as to where it takes place - not Pizza Express but maybe ASK or Zizzi's. Would you prefer the Sweet Trolley or the Speech Trolley? Blair or Gorbachev, Zuckerberg or Will Carling? At £200,000 for Blair or Obama it's probably not going to be local Cricket Clubs hiring them. Perhaps just watch a TED talk on You Tube or put Gremlins on instead?
You can't watch a DVD on an oil rig though or the Disney Enforcer will hunt you down. So cinema nights on oil rigs are homemade pantomimes with Gary in permanent Dame makeup and colleagues sewn into a pantomime horse. 'It makes you think.'
¶ Topic Chat
15:40 There are two types of Immortality: the literal one of the gods, Thor et al, and then the type which means you get a biscuit named after you. Or perhaps your podcast being put into the British Library, like in Paris where they have the Golden Centimetre, The Absolute Gram and The Platonic Baguette.
Mike tells the others about the archive of Clown Eggs. If you smash a Clown Egg does a clown die? Decadent breakfasts of three Clown Egg omelettes.
Anything measurable, like the ideal length of a beach holiday, or staying you welcome, can be rendered in gold and buried under the Pompidou Centre. This option is open for two of the Beans, with the other getting a biscuit named after them.
The trouble with Immortality is, do you really want it? For a start, you'd need a bigger and bigger Dropbox to cope with all the photo storage. Mike is wary of old age as can't justify his lack of productivity now, let alone not having mastered basic French or only got to Grade 3 oboe by the age of 4,237.
Immortality would be very hard going on the self-esteem; Ben feels his is already ebbing. Henry is haunted by the fact that he is older than both Jimi Hendrix and Jesus at the ages they died and that he hasn't achieved prowess on the guitar or brought anyone back from the dead. Though he did once make Ben a lovely Salade Nicoise.
Henry wonders, 'If you could press a button and make the human race immortal, would you do it?' ('What kind of button is it?') If everyone lived forever at the age they are now, would children have to learn the Norman Conquest in school for ever? Would they be allowed into the job market as, even though they have decades of life experience, they still look like a 5 year old? This could be a big YA franchise.
Having a stubbed toe for eternity may make a person greet death favourably.
Death keeps you on your toes, otherwise how fat would Ben get on a diet of Rolos? So, on balance, Immortality 0, Death 1. And if you feel the cold, crabbed pincer of Death pulling at your hem, just tip your hat and say, 'Not today thanks...First, I need to finish all the Grishams.'
Ben sees history as a box set and he wants to know what happens next. But most of the good action happens in Seasons 1-3 and his life may have the lifespan of Season 4. 'Oh'. 'Try and make it to Season 5', by cutting out those Rolos.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
Email from Nate about the acronym SPERBS. Email from Ethan about Henry being spotted in a Cambridgeshire Co-op.
First mention of the Sean Bean Lounge which is described as a Speakeasy that flips into a decoy Rymans.
¶ Jingles
46:43 - Bollocking Loaded
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
First mention of the Sean Bean Lounge. Described as a Speakeasy that flips into a decoy Rymans
¶ Listener Theme Tune
TS on Ambient Trombone
¶ Bollockings
46:54 A light bollocking from James who points out the onion comes first in onion gravy, French onion soup and onion bhaji.They take his Bollocking send their own bollocks back to batter his.
¶ Notable Quotes
- Stop killing me, Geoffrey! Stop killing me, Geoffrey!
- A gross pallid man just shovelling fried eggs into his mouth with his hands.
- Diagonal Window Jeopardy Bird Attack!
- They bring out the Sweet Trolley, or they bring out the Speech Trolley.
- You know what, I feel a bit full for Will Carling.
- Just put “Gremlins” on!
- Disney Dollars Cost Lives!
- Imagine how fat I would get, in a world where I couldn’t die. Like, imagine how many Rolos I would be eating.
- Play along with my thought experiment!