¶ Opening Chat
Ben has a sore throat, giving him a reverb effect, and leads to the Beans wondering what they would say in the final moments of being strangled? Henry would say, 'I could be your secret helper!' (for tuna-buying expertise.)
There is talk about that good moment in films when people have to plead for their lives. Henry thinks that he wouldn't be able to stay focused on the task ('Why is it called a ballpoint pen?') and would buy himself even less time by not listening whilst under brutal interrogation, 'I'm not an information guy?' 'DEAD!'
Ben would offer high-end fish and be saved. Henry would try and sketch his way out of danger and a film could be made of him: 'The Characterist'
¶ Topic Chat
Ben had hoped to be approached to be a spy while at University as felt 'You have to look forgettable'. Mike points out this is very George Smiley.
The others think Mike looks so much like a cartoon or Lego, Eastern-bloc spy that he may be useful as a quadra-bluff - or as a toy in the Japanese Cereal, 'Assassin's Crunch'.
Mike thinks Henry would make a good Secondary Henchman (can't compliment him and say the word 'Spy'). Henry tries to beef up his part mid-shoot, 'Cover me in gravies and put me in a wheelie bin!' He then would emerge either as a) a Super-Spy that gets 'flushed and minced' or b) as a slimy Eggman (with revolting sound effects), 'I could actually be in charge of everything!' Mike thinks it would focus-group very poorly.
Mike has been 'grinning like a labrador' about the topic of Spies and gets all his spy books down from his shelves, some sounding like they are in Metalback. MI9 was 'Escape and Evasion' but Henry and Ben don't believe it was real.
Musings on what being a spy would actually be like - not tempting after all. Henry hung around bus stops in the hope of getting a tap on the shoulder - the test might be to remember all the different facial hair disguises in a briefcase.
Mossad quote in cross stitch on the wall in Ben's downstair's toilet.
Mike says that the Head of the Danish intelligence service is in prison which gets Henry thinking about the fact that spies have 2 jobs, eg a baker (making a whole list of baked goods) may really be 'in charge of rivers'.
And so the concept of Opposites creeps back in and they realise that Henry would be excellent at Disinformation, with Mike thinking Henry would be 'Infuriating under interrogation', and interrogators would all be driven mad.
Henry can't remember the difference between MI5 and MI6. Ben goes through all the Ms including, 'MI8: Dealing with Really Dangerous Dogs. MI7: Boat Police.' Mike explains that MI5 can't have guns - 'But that's not a baguette, that's an Uzi.' Mike, 'I think I can be quite boring about this stuff'
Spy books = very 'Dad'. Henry notices that spy books have a certain font and design to attract the Dad Eye - and a lexicon of words such as 'Protocol', 'Paradox' and 'Ultimatum'. He was ensconced in a WW2 photobook, 'I was on the Western Front' - Ben: 'Long story short, you've joined the Army?' Henry: 'I've stowed away on the HMS Battle Battle Battle Boys...and I have a Costa in every port.' Top spy novel name (not HingeMc) finalised as 'Smolensk Rising: Unearthing the Original, Previously Unseen Nazi Attache Briefs' by Tim Waggler (punch, double-punch)
Kelly Vivanco’s Show Art
¶ Emails
Ben's voice gives out so the letters used have been pre-recorded:
Mairead writes that she moved to Pennsylvania USA and recently drove though some honey mustard fog which led her to realise that she was at the site of the Snyder's of Hanover factory! She sent a photo and the Beans were disappointed to read that there are currently 'No tours'.
Mike lists the stop-off points for the Beans' Grand Tour: Soup Dragon cafe, Jorvik Viking Centre, Bremen (of course), the Reichstag building, California to see an exhibition by Kelly Vivanco and hang out with her, then on to Snyder's in Pennsylvania.
Henry thinks the Snyder's sign is evocative of teenage romance and he reminisces as an old American man. He also feels the sign reminds him of Springsteen lyrics and comes up with the instant classic, 'No Tours', with the immortal line from Ben: 'I'll go on a tour but I won't wear a hairnet!'
'Have you been on a tour of anything? Do write in.'
Email from Teresa in Los Angeles with a photo of some rocks she saw that look like the Beans podcast art: Pompeiied Beans,
She also suggests 'Taxidermy' as a subject for the Bean Machine and shares with us her Christmas gift from her boyfriend: two frozen squirrels. Ben: 'A troubling anecdote but I'm glad you sent it to us.'
Ben then notices a video of the rocks where a tiny crab runs across the Bean faces! 'Ring the Crab Bell!'
¶ Jingles
39:00 - American
54:00 - Pompidou
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
Pomipdoued by BP explaining that there are so many generous Sean Bean souls that they are going to have to take longer to name-check everyone over the next few weeks/ months. Sean Bean Lounge Ball - this is the first time the lounge activity has been written and delivered solely by MW
¶ Listener Theme Tune
Tom, near Bremen, learnt the violin in mid 2020 and gives his premiere performance to the podcast! As the music fades, HP as Springsteen sings 'No Tours' with guitar, drum and MW vocal accompaniment
¶ Notable Quotes
- I’ve got nephews! You can’t kill me, I’ve got nephews!
- I’ve got a Shorthair! I’ve got a British Shorthair! They’re quite a needy breed!
- If you don’t kill me, I’ll let you kill me twice.
- Which is why my face is on the front of boxes of Assassins Crunch everywhere across South Korea and Japan.
- Flush and mince him!
- He’s got them in metalback!
- Water-board Ann, who works for the water board.
- M:I7 is boat police!
- It’s very Dad, it’s just incredibly Dad, isn’t it, spy books?
- The Protocol Dossiers
- Good old HMS Battle-Battle-Battle Boys! The flagship of the fleet!
- The Attaché Protocols
- Smolensk Rising: Unearthing the Original Previously Unseen Nazi Attaché Briefs by Tim Wagler
- Soldiers repelling out of [a helicopter gunship] putting your head in a bag, or in a giant pretzel in this case.
- I like to make love to the smell of sweet mustard.
- It’s like having a cyst on your leg which produces dachshund puppies.