¶ Opening Chat
What should the format be for the start of the podcast? For this episode, it is talking about Henry's new, double-headbanded, triple-figured, soft-suede, open-backed (therefore, pretty useless) headphones.
They make him look like the Viceroy of the planet Oolandor, or a 1970s star of an erotic film set in space, complete with low-cut, nipple-revealing costume.
The Bean Machine is running beautifully - the Beans have dreams of tinkering with the Bean machine on a Sunday afternoon like it's a classic car.
Discussion as to how to unscrew an owl's head.
¶ Topic Chat
'You're not allowed to murder a person are you?' Yet it is allowed in Zombie films where stoving is positively encouraged, like bringing doughnuts into work.
Henry's mother would reject the premise of a Zombie film, unless maybe as a period drama. This leads to Henry's Zombie impression of Prince Charles.
The British aristocracy are pumped up at birth with Austro-Hungarian air. They may burst when jousting or explode when smoking. And need to wear heavy brogues to stop themselves floating off.
The phenomenon of Boots the Chemist: a futuristic and utopian, space-shippy place from which there is no escape. Henry deploys the Jedi mind trick when asked, 'Do you have a Boots Advantage Card?' by replying, 'No....thank you.' By avoiding obtaining a card he avoids buying into the idea of his own mortality. Rewards points are given in Spanish escudos.
Future adverts for Boots could involve a heavy sloughing of Zombies.
Henry's new scene for a Zombie movie stars default Plemons changing a bicycle tyre ('I think this is brilliant!') and Ben adds the crucial scene of a drive getting jetwashed.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
Email from Anna from Australia about George, a terrifyingly amorous emu. Henry calls flip-flops thongs in an attempt to connect with foreign listeners.
Thrilling email from Meg the zookeeper announcing the fact that she has named a Secretary Bird in her care 'Bean'! (The ultimate piece of merch?)
¶ Jingles
00:45 - Pompidou
17:50 - Royal
48:09 - Bollock Back
49:12 - Flightless Bird Zone
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
Day trip to the donkey sanctuary, Go-Karting, obstacle course experience
¶ Listener Theme Tune
Laid-back Modern Jazz from Chris Hazell
¶ Bollockings
'A big pile of Bollockings', including from Seb to all the Beans (though Ben says it's just for Mike, as a dad) re the myth that pencils were used in space (too flammable). The origin of 'Bollocking Accepted.' 'Reflecto-Bollock' to be jingled up in future.
Becca bollocks Mike about the Clown Egg Collection not being in Paris but Dalston.
Henry is bollocked by Joseph for saying that choc-ices are kept in a fridge. The Bollocking is momentarily accepted until Henry turns it 180 degrees to a Reflecto-Bollock, using a semantic defence involving KitKats.
¶ Notable Quotes
- How’s the Betamax working out for you, Henry?
- They’re roughly the same shape, aren’t they, croissants and headphones; they’re both broadly crablike?
- And it’s hard to get a pair that makes you look like the Viceroy of the planet Ulandor, isn’t it?
- It’s goat-fetlock soft!
- A sort of 70s space-set erotic film.
- Many Millenia ago, my civilisation decided to focus all of its technical energy on … PLEASURE.
- Lefty loosey, righty tighty, middley diddley.
- They say don’t they, in Boots, if you keep turning left you will eventually get out, it’s the only way you can do it.
- Henry is very literally too big for his Boots.
- Boncing you on the snozz!
- You can’t make an omelette without breaking some legs.