¶ Opening Chat
The Beans are impressed with Dan Snow's discovery of Shackleton's boat, The Endurance. Henry noticed the jellyfish photobomb even though no-one else had mentioned it.
They think that wrecks look spoooky, and the idea of sea creatures now enjoying the wreck freaks Henry out.
Have the Beans been on a cruises? They don't feel they are old enough yet but do know of comedians who work on cruise ships having to do 2 shows a day: one as clean as a whistle, and one as blue as the sea.
The curries served on the ships during Madras Week are crap and the staff don't want the passengers looking out of the window enviously at people eating curries on land: 'Don't look at Sri Lanka, look at me'.
The prawn madras has been made from prawns transported from Portsmouth and are now going all the way back again.
Comedians working on the cruise ships have to be 'on' all the time like a ship's clown, 'Oscar Wilde-ing your way across the deck'. There will be no place to just read their Grisham.
Cruises have to be brilliant as they are often the holiday of a lifetime, so the passengers will want a complete prawn-fest. They will be wedging their mouths open with crabs on their sides in order to throw prawns straight in. (The crab bell is rung.) Digestive tract talk as the effects of the prawn-fest are described in details such as, 'They're essentially shitting Chum.'
¶ Topic Chat
The mayor of Bremen is a donkey, until kissed by a frog when it then becomes a Tourist Information Centre.
The Beans have touched on bicycles previously (Jesse or Jason Plemons in Zombies, or the Spandex-clad men who are ignoring Mike).
Mike has options hobbies-wise: ukulele orchestra, battle reenactments, surfing or canoeing. Some of Mike's neighbours have canoes on their cars but most go paddleboarding - though often have to get rescued by the RNLI.
The Beans have no hobbies and envy those who do. Henry distrusts hobbyists and used to think joggers were crazy whereas he was downing pepto-bismol for his latest hangover.
Ben doesn't know what pepto-bismol or Sanatogen tonic wine is. Mike thinks tonic wine is probably bogus. Even Old Wozniak's Medicinal Wine.
Henry really wants to paint tiny military figures, like his brother's friend does. Having someone he knows already doing the activity is half the battle. Ben remarks, 'Half the battle is what you're painting', to practically nothing from the others (only a feeble laugh from Mike). Follow-up phone call from Henry (as editor) to Ben to apologise for missing the joke. Ben sings the heart-rending 'Half the Battle' song: 'When you're ignored and you make a semi-decent joke but no-one laughs, it's half the battle.'
Henry thinks all hobbies have a variation of a clickety-clack sound. He thinks that, if he buys any of the clickety-clack things, he will be letting go of his youth. He is aware of the Gallaghers judging any sad middle-aged hobby as they sing in his ear for him not to go into Halfords or Mountain Warehouse. Though perhaps the people who enjoyed Knebworth the most were the ones with the thermos flasks?
The allure of the hobby world might actually shut up the voice of the Gallaghers. And, perhaps, once Henry got into the back of a Games Workshop in Hammersmith he might see that the very people recreating the Battle of Naseby in mini figurines were, in fact, Liam and Noel.
Ben got involved in the world of Strava (not Strada with its date-worthy vibe and solid font). Strava is like Facebook for times and maps of where people have cycled. Ben likes to cycle (closest thing he has to a hobby) but prefers to sit still and watch Married at First Sight Australia.
Hobbies are tools of capitalism, for example a bicycle has built-in obsolescence. It is decaying as soon as you buy it, which mirrors your own body's decay. The basket is becoming loose, black oil is flicking up into your face, and your buttocks are ground down from all the arse pressure. All your weight is being put onto the perineum - and there are very few hobbies where that is the case. Arse-jacking being one of them.
All three Beans had a Brompton folding bike at some point. They thought they were no good in proper traffic and Henry looked like Batfink's henchman riding on the two tiny wheels. But at least he got good at folding it.
It was representative of Great British engineering with its very hard saddle, 'You have to break it or it will break you.'
It would take 1000 hours to break the saddle in, which is too much time. Old fashioned British stuff is hard, heavy, starched, tempered and burnished so creating a stiff upper lip and stiff lower butt. The shins take a lot of heavy, metal-smacking from a folded Brompton. You also get a lot of jeering from three year olds when stopped at traffic lights.
Another thing Henry gets from three year olds is them laughing at his bald head, along with their cruel laughing parents. He laughs along and understands their laughter is purely evolutionary: their reflexes are tested using pictures of Grant Mitchell.
Henry's wife luckily used charcuterie to cover his bald shame.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
Ben (not BP) emails re Marwell Zoo tiger piss – he's a brother in piss with the same musk mother. Mike and Ben (emailer) are part of the tigress's diaspora. It messed with his DNA as he sometimes gets red hairs in his beard (as does Mike).
Gordon emails on the same subject: the Marwell tiger hosed his cousin Susan. It brought their day to an end (Mike's family had just ploughed on). Maybe the tigress will host of meeting for all the musk brothers and sisters (possibly at a carvery).
Provincial Mum emails as she wants compensation for when she hears the Provincial Dad jingle and gets disappointed with her husband as he doesn't keep the warranty information.
Laura writes about the pronunciation of heinous – like penis or anus? (Let's call the whole thing off).
It is increasingly difficult for new listeners to keep up.
¶ Jingles
10:02 - Digestive Tract Talk
12:45 - Provincial Dad
47:15 - Patreon
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
Chamber Orchestra Recital
¶ Listener Theme Tune
Spaghetti Western by Will (with parts for all 3 beans)
¶ Bollockings
For Mike from fellow Exeter doctor re brain cells not reproducing but glial cells can. Mike accepts the bollocking as 'This is not a fine details podcast.' Henry thinks they are more Blair than Brown. 'We are the pzazz.'
¶ Notable Quotes
- Don’t look at the prawns, look at me! Don’t look at the prawns, look at me!
- I want it to be so disgusting, you’ll be glad you’re in international waters.
- Wait, you can put a dog in a luge.
- I’ve never understood what Pepto Bismol is. Is it a kind of tonic wine?
- Old Wozniak’s Medicinal Wine
- To be heard, when you make your semi decent joke, so someone laughs, that’s half the battle.
- No, Henry, remember the song “Champagne Supernova” and what it means.
- I’m recreating the Battle of Naseby in figurines.
- Fundamentally, my body would rather just sit still and watch “Married at First Sight Australia”.
- The sense that this thing is decaying under your arse so quickly.
- I think it's called arsejacking.
- It sounds like we've got exactly the same Musk Mother.
- Is it heinous or heinous? Penis or anus?
- Er, excuse me, does this saloon do a latte?
- According to Google Maps this entire town is one straight street, that can’t be right, can it?