¶ Opening Chat
Henry's a bit warm but that might be because he's got the heating on. He won the lottery so can have the heating on for half an hour - but he's kept his job as a bus driver. Bus drivers win their buses but have to keep driving.
Ben saw a Reddit thread about a lottery winner where the advice was, 'Don't tell anyone and pretend you found a chandelier/won a car'. Henry explains Mafia mistakes such as Ben buying a gold fur coat. Instead, he should drip-feed small deluxe decisions (grab bag of crisps or very soft tissues).
What is balsam? (Balsamic vinegar? Aloe vera?) No-one knows but try and get as much balsam into your life as possible.
If Henry won the lottery he would get a storage unit rather than a bigger house. He asserts that you are more likely to come across some treasure than win the lottery. Ben thinks that if you find some treasure you have to give it to the British Museum, but you do get free entry and coffee, and 10% off in the gift shop.
Ben's partner is on the premium mailing list so she could, in theory, hide in the mummies. Ben went to the Scythians exhibit which was full of Yentob types with the wrong shoes.
Yentob's weeping sores were healed by his looking at a Bruegel.
Ben, in a recent visit to London, saw Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall riding in a novelty electric pod. Offsleb inspectors officiate the celeb spots in London.
Provincial types think everyone in London's a bastard and sights such as the London Eye or Yentob's cavern are actually not that impressive. They go back to their non-London homes to do weaving, whittling and wattling tasks or pounding powders (e.g. gun).
It is a lovely Spring day in London but The Darkening in Cardiff. Henry spotted possible treasure on a path - was it Yentob's belly-button amulet, the bottom of a bottle of lucozade, or a gold coin? It was, in fact, a chocolate coin.
As a sign of inflation, Ben got chocolate notes for Christmas. What next? Non-fungible chocolate or bank transfer chocolate? Mike likes the idea of the chocolate notes as they're a bit bigger than a coin. Christmas Sushi Seaweed doesn't sound like a good idea.
Henry has always said that money is just an agreement between people. If he sat next to Derek at a wedding, Derek would not want to listen to that social gambit and would have to just pretend to be listening to Henry but really be tuned in to Five Live on earbuds hidden in fake ears made of Portobello mushrooms.
¶ Topic Chat
Mike de-jumpers and Henry's back on the weather chat making a joke about how the predictions are never right. But they are now so, these days, you have to make fun of the weatherman's shirt instead.
Henry's "incy wincy goblin" song.
Mike was a goblin in an early role – his goblin roles were cut from various projects, e.g. Titanic. Goblin Mike had been riding an iceberg atop a saddled walrus (Alfred) but the scenes with Alfred and Mike ended up on the cutting room floor.
The 'King of the World' moment originally had Leonardo DiCaprio wearing a walrus head as a mask.
Gerard Butler as Alfred the Walrus spent six months painting in flippers practising for the scene where he paints goblin Mike like one of the French girls.
James Cameron communicated with Mike in iceberg form using blue ice (what is it?): frozen airplane effluent and an 80s cop thriller. Piss javelins are a message from Cameron. He has moved from blue ice to blue aliens.
Mike was cut from Avatar and now has to do all his scenes in greenscreen in order to be edited out more easily. He has his goblin costume on permanently beneath clothes.
Audience feedback shows they don't like a movie if there has been no cut-out goblin scene.
Mike was a goblin in Platoon and, because you can't see green on green, he was kept in this time. But the catering budget was cut and there was no Pret in 80s Thailand (it was just seating and a figment of Mrs Manger's imagination)
Henry explains the Blue Boat Theory from painting: in order to please the client, the client needs to feel they can change one thing - so artists paint in a blue boat in order to have it cut out.
Mike's goblin is the Blue Boat so that film funders can improve a film about Van Gogh by cutting out the scene with the goblin chewing an ear, or a Bond film where the goblin is playing darts on his own: 'Maybe we don't need that.'
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
Ciara emails about the lioness/tigress (Henry: 'I tigress' gag which he wished he'd made in the previous episode) and tells the Beans that her boyfriend was also pissed on by the tigress or possibly the lioness. Someone's got muddled somewhere.
Rowan's laundry (Egyptian cotton bedsheets shows they are a premium listener) was dropped because of the tigress story. It had reminded Rowan of a similar experience when on a primary school trip and the tigress had pissed on her and ruined her soft-serve ice-cream. Rowan calls for the tiger to be euthanised.
A musk family is being built but Rowan is still furious.
Sam (half British / half American) seeks to clarify things between Bill and the Beans. Sam says there are two types of US cheese: orange and aerosol.
The UK has extra-mature cheddar which is overwhelming and matches the strength of Branston pickle in 'A truly horrendous equilibrium.'
The nirvana of cheddar & Branston is, for Mike, a bite of happiness.
Henry likes a mutually assured sandwich with intense vinegary/pickly strengths in order for him to feel alive. Ben isn't listening as he is looking through emails.
Craig listens to the podcast while cycling but his pedal snapped off because of the Beans' curse. He needs to reverse the curse by snogging a royal otherwise will be turned into either a piglet or an adult pig. Piglets are much more adorable than hogs so you need to hope you can emotionally bond with a family whilst you are still a piglet otherwise you might become rashered. 'Hope that helps!'
¶ Jingles
- 51:45 - Royals
54:01 - Patreon
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
Annual Spring Clean
¶ Listener Theme Tune
Guitar by Daniel
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
Annual Spring Clean
¶ Listener Theme Tune
Guitar by Daniel
¶ Notable Quotes
- No bus driver has ever won the lottery.
- I’m always falling for mafia mistakes.
- Maybe I would stop wiping my arse with my barnacle encrusted stone that I use.
- I’m gonna have to put my hand up here and say I’m not entirely sure what balsam is.
- I think aloe vera is your pleasure dinghy, and balsam is your super yacht.
- Proper Hampsteady Yentobs.
- At the moment, we’re going through The Darkening.
- Non-fungible chocolate.
- Thank God this is a panda-themed wedding and there’s bamboo everywhere.
- My trusty Alfred! Truly you are a noble walrus, and tonight we feast on a five-course deluxe meal, on the Titanic!
- I tigress…
- I too was pissed on by the Tigress of Marwell Zoo.
- Not the soft serve! Anything but the soft serve!
- The change between piglet and adult pig on the adorability … that’s stark, isn’t it?