¶ Opening Chat
The Beans have already had a pre-chat which contained things that can't be broadcast on the podcast. The podcast itself was borne out of the chats the Beans used to have when writing together.
Then, Henry would be eating chocolate buttons and sharing them in order to save him from eating them all himself. Is this gluttony or ethics? Possibly neither and just the fact he was the youngest of three brothers: 'Another Moving Story From Henry's Unspeakably Difficult Past' (with delicate piano accompaniment).
Fellow diners complain that Henry shovels his food into his gob too fast. This causes him severe abdominal pain which is relieved by various implements on the pub walls: stuffed trouts, yards of ale, harvesting equipment or a signed photograph of Pat Cash.
If Henry has used the various machinery, Ben suggests he has to pay a tithe. This can result in a lot of time that Henry has to spend doing loom work and basket weaving. If he fails to pay, he may be tried by a jury of mules and a judge, Michaelmas Jones, a shirehorse with a medieval attitude to justice.
¶ Topic Chat
Ben is a lifelong slipper rejecter/ejecter and favours the slipper sock. On the few times his mother has bought him slippers, they are destroyed by his awful foot chemistry in a matter of weeks.
Henry agrees with this and also isn't sure when to throw his slippers away. He recently noticed a smell emanating from his person and tried to deduce which part of his body it was coming from.
He was hoping it was a bag of lamb's mince (when the lamb has made the mince). But it wasn't, so he had to eliminate various other elements eg. was his trousers? He is very unsure as to how often to wash trousers, 'No-one's ever said you've got smelly legs.'
Ben is also in the 'corridor of uncertainty' regarding trouser washing - it's a policy rather than a decision. Ben had a facemask in his pocket which smelt of fresh-bread as his trousers had been so yeasty.
Henry kept catching an 'aura of mustiness' which was hard to pin down; a whiff of dead air as from a tomb when the lid is pushed off. He was experiencing a Mummy's curse from his own feet.
He thinks that the warm, dark, moist environment of his slippers had been attractive to moths who liked the Chris de Burgh vibe.('Lady in Red is just the tip of the Chris de Burgh'). They would close the curtains and hide Maltesers around the place, the last one being the Peri-scrotal Malteser. (Lewd Content Apology).
Mike is not a slipper wearer because Pam would eat them. Some well-trained dogs would bring you your pipe and slippers, but Pam is not well trained.
There have been general email requests for Pam & Bluebell jingles and the Pam one is premiered.
Mike has a practical attitude to his footwear as he keeps replacing the shoes he has with the same style again. He explains this is because he has wide, flat feet which are great for swimming but not for purchasing shoes. Henry wonders if Mike gets good adhesive suction and he does, even being able to walk up the side of the Shard.
His footprints look like duck's feet: 'One of them makes a quacking sound when he talks, waddles about and doesn't wear any trousers, and the other is a cartoon duck.'
This leads to the inception of The Old Switcheroo.
Mike's footprints look like a hoax. He feels it would be too expensive and pleasureless to have a foot massage. He isn't into massage in general though all the Beans find being spatchcocked and slapped by Megamen, or the small Thai woman, very invigorating. As opposed to massages by British people which feel like being handled.
Henry recommends Banya massage which involves being tenderised and seasoned then whacked with a bouquet garni and cooked at 180 celcius for two to three hours.
Ben thinks the equivalent in Britain is going to a council leisure centre, doing fifteen widths then swallowing a plaster.
Henry's tells a cautionary tale about his not wearing slippers then falling down the stairs like a body toboggan.
To avoid the inevitable pain, he is now permanently running and various researchers have come up with ways to disguise this in his daily life.
He decided he had to either give up stairs or take up slippers. He took up slippers.
N.B. Tom Cruise can't run down stairs.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
From Anon, aka 'Brabra Renfrew', who works for P&O and feels she has been cursed by Henry's P&O chat about the Patreon jingle.
She thinks that the trip across the Channel is not quite as dramatic as one across the Styx but it still has a similar energy.
The Beans reminisce about car ferry smells, northern France, and the hi-vis ferry blokes who were umbrella dads to the dads.
Lewis/Louis emails to suggest a France jingle.
Emma has feedback on the S4E1 labelling (Against). Mike leans towards Emma.
Ross (from Vancouver) has different feedback on S4E1 labelling (For).
This could be the Great Schism. Though Henry is now thinking he might prefer not to number the episodes after all. Just as their writers aren't credited.
Weasel writes about the Cotswolds' Birdland picnic area being too close to the dangerous species.
Mike tells the legendary Marwell Zoo Tiger Piss story.
¶ Jingles
- 20:36 - Lewd Content with reference to only playing the jingle after the lewd content has been deployed
21:57 - Pam (first time!)
24:46 - Old Switcheroo (first (and last?) time!)
43:59 - Provincial Dad
50:41 - Flightless Bird Zone
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
Dance-off
¶ Listener Theme Tune
Ragtime version by Ben
¶ Notable Quotes
- Another moving story from Henry’s unspeakably difficult past, and the fact that he can still put one foot in front of the other is, frankly, about as heroic as it gets.
- You’re just calzone-ing the whole thing!
- You’re a kind of gastric Luddite, really.
- Michaelmas Jones
- A rapid volley of throwing slippers!
- You’re essentially experiencing a Mummy’s curse, from your own feet.
- You could walk up the side of the Shard.
- My footprints look like a hoax, really.
- Hello, can I have a massage off your largest MegaMan, please?
- That smell when you drive your car into a car ferry, there’s something so … magical about that smell.
- You want accordion players, yeah? You want sort of flirty and slightly ethereal girls running round in berets?
- They were basically like a sort of umbrella Dad to all the Dads.
- I will temporarily allow him to Dad me.
- To this day, I think I am part of her territory. I’ve worn her scent ever since.