¶ Opening Chat
Ben's power went off in his house and he is having to deal with fuse box. Henry thinks Ben is 'becoming a man before our very eyes', including rocking a moustache.
He blames having a hot-cross bun in the toaster (is this a euphemism?) which caused a fuse to pop. A glazed bun sounds nicer than greased. Hot-cross buns are a classic UK baked treat, like tasty Leeds Surprise/Welsh cake/Eccles Cake: they are basically all baked raisin-based treats and only the lard levels change. Similarly for a Darlington Fat Fist/Leicester Suet Eclair. There is then an enormaous gap while they try to think of another raisined bake good but fail ('That's me done for the day'). The Lincolnshire elbow is too late and not very good, 'That's pathetic from all of us.' The Ultimate Pompidou: 'You look down a tube and there's nothing in it.'
The recording of the podcast is always meant to start at 10 but they never do; it's a wonderful dance they do. At 10, Ben was 7 miles away in a car which was pushing it Henry-style. Henry sees it as a balance of feeling constrained but free (like the perfect pair of trousers).
Mike is always ready to start at 10 (like an upright hound waiting for treats) and is left to commune with his innermost regrets, and finds it very peaceful.
At 10.20, Ben's said he was going to get a drink but really meant he was going to get some toast, but that was upgraded to a hot cross bun because it was Easter. Perhaps he has a malevolent spirit in the fusebox?
Henry patronises with advice regarding toaster usage (flattening techniques and grease avoidance). He sees the toaster as a postbox ('Post to toast').
Long story short: the bun fused the electrics, Ben flicked the fusebox switch and the moustache just grew (luckily, in the right place).
Mike had had a Pam-related scare as she had nicked the Wurly from the Curly Wurly and Mike panicked, scaring the kids. He called the emergency vet who was very untroubled (as the chocolate content was negligible, like a nano-film) but she did consult the Chocolate Canine Poisoning Calculator to put Mike's mind at rest.
It was only the next day that it dawned on Mike that no such thing probably exists. Henry wonders if she also mentioned transmogrophying the invisible health hat.
Mike thinks he was played but was very happy to have been.
What would a busy vet A&E look like? There would be dogs on trolleys, tail transplants, and dogs being abandoned at the door injured from gang shootings.
Ben wonders if cats can eat chocolate? Henry's first thought was that he would be mortified at admitting his cat had eaten a low cocoa percentage, non-Montezuma chocolate. 'Cats are obligate carnivores'.
Dogs can be trained to be helpful, like for finding drugs: NarcoDogs. Sicario Chihuahua will eat anything whereas cats are more discerning.
Ben suggests a Bluebell jingle and Henry is happy about that - he wants mentions of Bluebell evened up against mentions of Pam.
Especially as Bluebell is older and has lived through a different geo-political era so is, therefore, more important.
¶ Topic Chat
Five minutes 8 seconds spent talking about the Bean Machine's new handcrank. (It was made from the ebony Stoking Cudgel from the Titanic. Cudgelling was a way to release the pent-up energy that boarding schools produced, along with barbershop singing and artefact theft. Cudgelling was used to power the British Empire and its planes, trains and cafes.)
Henry hears the topic and launches straight into a yodel.
Mike doesn't think that the UK does mountains very well in comparison with the Alps (but it does have quite pretty hills).
Snowdon has an A road going up it with a Wild Bean cafe half-way up and a Boots at the top. You can also stop at a Ryman's on the way back down to pick up printer cartridges.
You can see every Ryman's on Earth from the summit of Everest and be thinking of stationery deals as you die from exposure.
Snowdon has a cafe on top - as does Mont Blanc, but that also has a luxury pen shop 
Henry has hiking holiday plans with old school friends (Mike reckons,'You're fucked'). They're fitter so Henry will always be either catching up or being pecked by an eagle. When they said it would be 7–8hrs hiking a day it caused an immediate ankle sprain for Henry.
Will there be a nice meal to look forward to at the end of the day? Probably just seeds. Perhaps Henry can hire a sherpa ahead of time who can hide mini panettones all the way along the route (next to the king size bed, TV playing The Mandalorian with nearby Yoda costume, and Henry's parents).
'Everything is created by nature'. It turns out all this nature was just VR and they are still in Pizza Express at the top of Ben Nevis! And the dough balls have a strange texture: it's a black flat grid pattern again and there's another VR world within the VR world! The reality is they are at the top of the Matterhorn having a hypothermic dream just before their immanent deaths.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
China Love Cupid.com emails – Ben needs to confirm his email address to use the account. Mike advises against this but Henry would like to know more.
Charlie (fellow baldy) also leaves greasy patches on furnishings (Henry says they are both like mobile rubber stamps). Charlie wonders does Henry moisturise his head? Henry says he only moisturises his face.
Henry likens oils coming out of his pores like ones loitering in a town centre rather than going to work. Henry forgets the question again (he's tired). Charlie's looking for reassurance but Henry can't give it but suggests Charlie takes his own antimacassars around with him.
The Official Three Bean Salad antimacassar is being woven in Bremen and the Low Countries by Flemish people. The discussion about the difference between Protestant and Catholic antimacassars sounds like podcasting in the 1640s.
Matt remembers the Chinese zoo passing off a Tibetan mastiff as an African lion, having a dog on display in the wolf enclosure, and a fox presented as a leopard. Mike likes the sound of it as 'You've got to do a bit of the work'.
He likes how prose makes the reader use their imagination: zoos should just be a cup on a stool in the orangutan enclosure. Mike's kids aren't allowed near the internet so doing brass-rubbings of the blurbs at the zoo suffices (or reading the King James Bible).
¶ Jingles
05:40 - Pompidou
12:20 - Pam
21:09 - Bluebell
52:10 - Patreon
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
Mass Wedding
¶ Listener Theme Tune
Elizabeth Smith –synthy/dancey (included on her EP 'Sky Fortress' – BP's lawyer is on the case)
¶ Bollockings
Ashley listened at 5:30am and bollocks Henry for bleeding the radiators when the pressure was low and explains why boiler was condemmed. He had been doing the opposite of the right thing.
But Henry Reflecto-Bollocks Ashley over the definition of 'pressure' (but he also forgets the question). He mentions his pissing into radiators but, ultimately, Henry grudgingly accepts the bollocking: 'This is growth.'
¶ Notable Quotes
- You’re also rocking a beautiful moustache today, Benjamin, which is unusual.
- Be-barnacled ropes?
- Have you tried a Welsh Cake? Oh, it’ll take your breath away. Imagine bread with some raisins in.
- The Leicester Suet Eclair
- Mike sits there, like an upright little hound, waiting for his treats.
- But I’m posting it to “toasted”.
- It was only the next day, that I worked out that there was a possibility that there is no such thing as the chocolate canine poisoning calculator.
- I’m also now just transmogrifying you the invisible health hat.
- Maybe Bluebell should start generating a few more anecdotes, Henry.
- If we really cudgel these guys, we could get to New York in time before we sink.
- I was cudgelled very hard throughout my childhood at St Cudgel’s Boarding School.
- Yes, I can never tell my father that I love him, but on the other hand I do have this Egyptian Hand.
- So, that was cudgels. Which I assume was the topic.
- That’s why you go to the top of Everest isn’t it, because you can see every Ryman’s in the world?
- Is that a mirage, or is that a complete 1:1 ratio reconstruction of my flat?
- We’re in the VR Pizza Express on the top of Scafell Pike!
- Can we have the book of Job tonight, Dad?