¶ Opening Chat
- Henry talks about a ball and socket joint on the top of his spine, which is why human heads are interchangeable (cowboy, accountant, angry pirate)
- Ben has an infinity neck like a spirit level, and this is why he can't go to the Southern Hemisphere
- Henry describes his spine joint "clunking" like a heavy church door being pulled off the hinges by Visigoths who then ransack the church - Discussion about Visigoths ("a goth that can operate a crane")
- Mike's holiday in Berlin, where he visited the Stasi museum and insisted on reading every blurb in Deutsch and English ("the ultimate day out") - Mike speaking "hard Deutsch" and locals assuming he was Spanish or Australian because of pronunciation (wearing the holiday combo of cork hat and castanets)
- The English Menu in A&E
- Henry speaks "quite good French" (French is more of a vibe than a language) and the suckerpunch of being given the English menu - incorporating train station chat into ordering food
- Kartoffeln chat and that kartoffelsalat is what you need when drinking "very dark, cloudy, IBS infuriating beer"
¶ Topic Chat
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Bean Machine 8:30
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What to do when confronted with a bear.
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- Grizzly bear - play dead to get used to being dead.
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- Black bear - fight back, hoping that it is hungover
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- Polar bear - no strategy as you will die, decide how to spend your last 40 seconds on Earth (Henry would like to read "The Count of Monte Cristo"
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- Koala - read it a scary story.
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Mike discusses embracing a koala in Australia, suckling it and ending up with chlamydia. Discussion about whether Mike was topless, how the koala was lowered onto him using a helicopter, the koala pelt entwining with chest hair so they become one. Mike suggests the koala was not into it. The koala asks to be disguised as a backpack so he can escape ("get me the fuck out of here"). Awkward Starbucks discussion about the koala not living up to promises and creating a new zoo in Starbucks, all he wants is to open hot dog stand ("Koala Dogs"). Ben points out koalas are not bears (they are actually a fruit). The escaped koala is friends with Paul Hogan and Henry lists the states of Australia as Cairns, Victoria, North Victoria and Cairns
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- Pandas - pandas hate to have sex, anti-panda brigade (they suggest other animals that get less attention such as the anal goat leech). Ben and Mike have seen pandas at Edinburgh Zoo, Ben thinks they were adorable but smaller than imagined for a "giant panda".
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Henry talks about micro-animals. If you're attacked you've brought it on yourself. Panda diplomacy ("dont have sex with the person you're negotiating with"). Being sent a panda costs a lot of £ and makes your country 1% less sexy overall. Can't regift a panda.
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Obama and his crap gifts - he gave Gordon Brown some DVDs and the Queen an iPod. Henry lost a bag of CDs once (which included an audio recording of an episode of Cagney and Lacey), he used to carry CDs around and to parties. Henry uses the phrase "topic wang". Henry talks about getting a gift wrong and the emotions involved "the real me is not at the desk Gordon" and Obama would actually rather be in a metal shed watching American movies.
¶ Bollockings
Gemma, in main chat. Zookeeper in London looking after pygmy hippos Thug and Nicky and pygmy hippos are the best. Thug listened to the episode without much reaction. They talk about a picture of Nicky the pygmy hippo "a handsome beast". Henry has a memory shredder and deletes as he goes. (Henry's tips for getting into London Zoo for cheap - disguise yourself as a once escaped koala, trojan giraffe, walk along the canal towpath which has some enclosures of the "shittest animals" backing onto it.) Henry decides to accept the bollocking.
¶ Emails
- 36:40
- Several emails about the Bluebell jingle. Angus - is it cat or c--t. Henry believes Bluebell doesn't make enough moral choices to be a c**t, only choices are around eating dry-wet meat. Aural Rorscach test (some people see a rabbit and some people see a c--t). Gus and Matt - the Bluebell jingle is too long. Henry says people said the Irishman was too long but is now the world's favourite film.
- Fiona and Mr Thompson - recent marriage and honeymoon visit to The Soup Dragon Café who grudgingly acknowledged the Pompidou discount. Suggests marriage and flaying as future topics.
¶ Jingles
- 37:25 Pompidou
- 42.32 The new Bluebell jingle; backing lyrics now include "she's a c**t" and a Henry monologue about what she has taught him. Bluebell defeats Zargon the Lord of the Cosmos with a poisoned meat biscuit. Bluebell then develops the power of speech and tells Henry about how he controls her life. She asks "what is love?" and there proceeds a song about what love might be for a cat.
- 53.30 - Patreon
¶ Notable Quotes
- Did it suckle?
- Have you ever seen a koala blush?
- Then the koala weaves its pelt into your chest hairs, till you are one, then you have to go on a treasure hunt!
- Get me the fuck out of here and I’ll make you the richest man on earth!
- I’m effectively just creating a new zoo for myself, aren’t I?
- The anal goat leech!
- If I can’t imagine a hippo stomping me to death, what is the point?
- Are you just tuning out, or are you sort of deleting bits as you go?
- Water off a hippo’s back.
- Looking like a thin, wasted, de-bearded, shaved Santa, walking round with a big sack of CDs wherever I went.
- And would people be hearing [c**t] Henry, if the glove didn’t fit?
- It’s somehow dry and wet!
- There’s not very much subtext behind the words “she’s a cat”.
- It’s bit like a kind of an aural Rorschach Test, isn’t it?
- Let’s give everyone a round of a-paws.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
Pet pageant. Bluebell Paker won all the cat awards despite her only attending over Zoom, "pet's pet award unanimously voted for by the pets for undoubtedly the best pet full stop" went to Pamela Una Wozniak
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Conor - Santana style guitar