¶ Opening Chat
- Next week's heatwave – poaching eggs in glovebox – flambéed car
- Henry's neighbour's pool/mug hijinx redux – invitation received to enter the leisure mug full of exuded teenager oils, fag butts, frozen piss shards jettisoned from aircraft – time windows offered (not super-cazjh).
- Heatwave tips – veiled nostrils – wear helmet/Chewbacca headpiece/tin foil to stop heat getting in.
- Ben on half-hourly ice lolly rotation – sink into a niçoise salad.
- Nipples are an irregularity – Henry abhors them – are they vestigial? – MW: 'udder line', BP&HP: stereo 'What!'
- Nipples switched off apart from two – Ben's mini 3rd nipple because udder line not switched off – HP wants one in the middle.
- Ben's ripe banana left in car – tarantula now driving his car.
- Henry saw 'a split gooseberry writhing with flies' that morning – a bad omen.
¶ Topic Chat
- Henry sings the theme from the 80s Canada TV advert and Mike wonders if it's the same tune as 'Pamela' by Toto.
- Only Ben has been to Canada (twice).
- The international perception/stereotype: nice but boring.
- Henry's first of many 'aboot's.
- It's the progressive America – their liberal project works and this makes for a smug vibe.
- Henry imagines you can't get mugged in Canada.
- Henry's attempt at the accent is more Geordie (colonial Geordie outpost).
- The barren wilderness appeals to Mike.
- Ben went to Knoydart remote pub in Scotland but it didn't feel cut-off enough cos they had aioli.
- Mike with his live beaver hat and fresh kills on the porch (mackerel, bear and accountant smoking to last the winter) – nose-to-tailing the accountant
- Henry in London, Ontario ('it not London though, is it?').
- Henry has heard one of the cities has an under-city for the winter – BP confirms that's Toronto but it's not impressive (more like WH Smith in a station underpass) – it's not an underworld where you can talk to your ancestors.
- It was minus 20 when BP was there – like a Russian banya with 50 gnome-sized hairy blokes violently slapping you – sting to the air.
- Henry imagines a John Candy outfit, but Ben was in a River Island (cool brand) duffle coat, more suited for London Fashion Week.
- British people like to go for a walk / Canadians can't understand why.
- Henry's accent is a melange of authentic 18th century Newfoundland whaling community accents.
- Henry's mum went walking in New Jersey in the 70s along a mega road, people kept stopping (worried about serial killers).
- Citizens wear the flag on their backpack, why? – deep patriotism/not wanting to be confused with Americans.
- It is a good flag (Premier League) but not the best flag (see episode 'Flags') and it's also the logo for the national dish (leaf stew on a rectangular white plate with two panels of jam).
- Maple syrup is more valuable than gold in a dystopian world.
- April Fool's 50s BBC spaghetti on trees joke like when a tap is stuck into the side of a tree to get the syrup.
- The truth must be so horrible – expressed from the anal glands of a mournful bear.
- Maple syrup is nice or just a hive delusion.
- Sweet bear anus juice (SBAJ).
- Cornucopia of bad accents from Mike & Henry re 'pass the SBAJ' – don't over-spooj your SBAJ.
- Canadian personality's a lie to cover up the horror of SBAJ – is maple syrup an anagram of SBAJ? or Mabel Syjup (founding mother).
- A beaver's tail is a hardened sbajerrhoid.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Casper emails about the tune played at the end of Service Stations: it's 19th century Hungarian composer Hermann Necke, which the Beans already knew (MW wearing the t-shirt, HP has Hermann tatooed on his neck) – the tune was in Mario and Sonic at the London 2012 Olympic Games' rhythmic gymnastics event – copyright now lapsed.
- Neil with hot tip for Gloucester services – breakfast not the same in both directions (2 vs 1 slices of toast) – nature always finds a balance / Brownian motion / hexagons / spread of beavers across the landmass
¶ Jingles
- Pam (11:55)
- Canada (31:24)
- Emails (32:11)
- Listener bollocking (36:25)
- False bollock (38:56)
- Patreon (53:02)
¶ Bollockings
- Lisa from Bristol – several examples of defiantly independent services in the West Country, esp Cullompton Services (McExtra).
- Newton's First Law of Service Stations – first false bollock (decent point delivered nicely) – Henry misses the point again.
- Henry allows Cullompton Services a Right to Reply – marketing has ruined the words 'just' and 'even' – should be 'inevitably' – a ladybird wouldn't call it 'just 15 miles' – the website's text is not ladybird-ready.
- Warren's Bakery: does everyone's birthday cakes, smuggled in between McDonalds and Costa (fist-pumps down The Warren).
- A lot of emails on this bollocking topic: geese! Hannah (armchair bollocker) – Mike doesn't have to eat his mille-feuille hat from Warren's Bakery – they don't patrol airports but other animals do.
- Reflecto-bollock: dogs and pigs can't work together cos they hate each other – resentment about the pet/food difference (pigs get swill and prods)
- Vic (not a bollocking, just a gentle nudge) had an animal rescue centre in the New Forest in the 90s – shirehorses had curtains and boot-cut legs (they were solidly Oasis) – was Bonehead the guitarist or drummer?
- Vic had guard geese (90s lad culture: 'Oi Oi!') – foxes took the geese to a special farm to play all day long on the swings and snooker tables and watch Top Gun in the movie room – Ryan Gosling and Claire Goose – actors' names need to be pictureable on a poster with Schwarzenegger – geese are nature's alarm (make a racket) – set the geese up like lasers in a museum – geese honking saying 'Blur' in 90s bands debate.
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Annual Celebrity Look-alikes Catwalk Event (13 patrons)
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Joe has learnt the tenor sax as part of a mid-life crisis – picture the scene: New Orleans detective in a whisky jazz joint.
¶ Notable Quotes
- A massive soft mug with no handle, full of water, and teenagers.
- Stop saying “udder line”, Mike!
- I saw a split gooseberry writhing with flies.
- Who is the flies, who is the gooseberry and who is the act of writhing?
- Pamelaaaaaaaa!
- Have you been mugged by Sting in Toronto?
- I’m going to be nose-to-tailing that guy, you better believe it.
- Use his eyebrows as a garnish on a salad.
- I was wearing a duffel coat from River Island, and I was very cold.
- You do relax, don’t you, when you find out someone’s Canadian.
- I don’t think it comes from a maple tree, Mike. I think you express it from the anal glands of a bear.
- Sweet Bear Anus Juice
- Hey! I’m milking a wolf here!
- I’d like two tickets to see Celine Dion at the Ice Hockey in the Cirque du Soleil!
- A slice of Old Papa’s Nova Scotia Rolls down Chrysler’s Farm in Regina, Saskatchewan!
- It may be that this mission statement isn’t directed at ladybirds, but that’s not for me to say.
- If it’s not a global brand, Henry isn’t interested.
- Everyone knows Warren’s Bakery round here. Everyone knows Warren.
- They’ve got security pigs?
- There’s no way dogs and pigs can work together, they’re rivals, they hate each other.
- I mean, we all had an animal rescue centre in the 90s.
- They’ve got curtains, they’ve got boy band hair, and they’ve got bootcut legs.