9:40 Bean Machine springs to life
The topic of France is chosen and Henry launches into God Save the Queen.
Ben reads out La Marseillaise in French and Henry and Mike translate: 'Come on then Children of the Country/ The Day of Glory has arrived/ We're not fans of Tyranny/ The autumn of Art and Blood has risen/ Listen in the Countryside (with a meaty soup)/ Go and play with your Iron Soldiers (or Muffle the Ferocious Soldiers)/ There's some vinegary juice on our arms/ And let's gorge on our children and our Compatriots/ REFRAIN: Oh old citizens/ Form yourself into stick-shaped rows/ Walk! Walk! With pure buttock blood/ Abbreviate our long mushroom names (for a sense of nationwide unity) Vs2: Cover this hoard of slaves/ With treats conjured from rice/ For whom these ignoble starters have made long-term plans/ France, for us this is such an outrage!/ Such an exciting eel transportation/ It's us when we are meditating on the Atlantic Escalator. Vs7: We're going into the Cash and Carry/ When we no longer have anuses/ We are looking for the papoose/ And the vertical trestle tables/ Good old Mama Zulu's got a wicked serve/ Arranging the pates in a circle/ We will have the sublime motor oil/ To avenge ourselves through swivelling.'
'It's extremely moving isn't it?'
HP still has France in his system as Brexit has slowed down his digestive system. Stages of Digestion: 1. Knife and Fork (external) 2. Teeth 3. Throat Acids 4. Lungs (produce cologne) 5. Stomach and intestine where, if French, food is julienned or, if British, crushed with an anvil.
Croissants vary depending on the moisture in the air/political temperature of the day etc. Are French croissants better than Pret a Manger (technically French soil) croissants? 'They could look a French croissant in the eye and not blink.'
The French have not mastered the technique of getting a perfect cross-section of egg into a slice of pork pie.
Boulangeries are always run by sweet, old couples where the old man is on a cruel schedule of 'Yeast Time'.
Mike knows that French Guiana has its own Space Station probably guarded by Legionnaires.
Ben's understanding of the French Foreign legion: 'Is it that if you murder someone, you then go to France and say, 'I'm a murderer but not to worry I can join the army and you can forget about it'?' (Pretty much). Henry: 'Could we join?' Probably only Ben could, as the Ultimate Mega Soldier, the Welsh Secret Weapon.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
35:09
A pair of bollockings: From Rob of Bremen who is appalled and inconsolable at Henry and Ben having referred to 'bird anuses'. And from Anthony: 'Cloaca! Cloaca! Cloaca!' Ben had 'stood by and done nothing while others said owl's anus' so is worse than Henry, who was simply ignorant. Both accept their bollockings.
Another bollocking, this time from Carl from Barry, Glamorgan, who all the Beans know. He directs it at Henry who, in 'Ways of Seeing with Henry Paker', referred to Leonardo da Vinci as 'da Vinci' which simply means 'from Vinci'. Henry accepts it, after having glitched, and states, 'I am feeling quite accommodating today.'
Discussion about what the opposite of 'anus' might be? 'A really nice beach club' (with a quiz on Tuesdays and barbeque on Sundays)
The Annual Sean Bean Lounge Bric-a-Brac Parade (as suggested by HP) – to the backdrop of Scott Joplin – 25 patrons
Request for theme tunes to be sent in - 'No talent too scant'. Dan Mackley sends in a 'Dream-like, EDM-inflected, Battle rap, Trap Version': link in column L. Transcribed below for your karaoke delight: 'Beans/Beans/Beans - Let me tell you about the Beans/ Lean Bean Mean Machine and what it means/ These three gents from around the Isles/ Keep talking away about Flags and Islands/ If the Beans were a horse in a race then the pace would be something akin to a canter/ It's no joke when I say they're the Kings of Lukewarm Banter/ Mike: He lives in the south and his mouth has a top upper lip of incredible beauty/ Henry: His reflecto-bollocking skills are second only to his love of the monarchy/ Ben: Sounds like the loveliest gent but it'd be no surprise if he came out as a murderer/ Sperbs: Oh no, no!!/ If you're looking for something you can wake up with/ If you're wanting three people with exceptional wit/ If you wanna little chuckle when you're absolutely hammered/ There's nothing quite like a little Three Bean Salad/ If you want three people who sound eerily the same/ For the first ten hours you can't tell them by their name/ Urinating tigers and flightless parrots/ There's nothing quite like a little Three Bean Salad'