¶ Opening Chat
- BP Jubileed hard – inside Cliff Richard, shoring him up – papier mache ham – adjusting perspective on Mall, Palace etc – dead eyes – eerie like a spaniel – Cliff is a 1:1 meat avatar – golf clubs evolved from chopsticks for controlling him – Cliff explained for non-UK listeners – British Elvis – agreement to watch Borgen instead – sweaty but patriotic
- HP's jubilee bad weather crap local street party eschewed for larger event more like a crowded Tube train with lattes rather than weak lager – Thai restaurant tea mix-up – Royals: 'we need them'
- Jubilee concert's 'Phantom of the Opera' baffles BP: 'we need it' – Phantom recapped by beans – sewers as romantic, not turd-filled: 'kiss the shit off my face'
¶ Topic Chat
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17:00
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Philip Kerrigan (of Kerrigan's Mustard (and also submitter of Portraiture from Season 2)) has name with condiment trust factor – HP's VO experience (best part of 3 VOs) / BP 0 VOs – calculator 80085: 'boooooobs!'
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HP voice warm-ups – MW as child offering sausage – mustard advert take 1 – reconstituted powder note – mustard advert take 2 – Helen Mirren alternate – clean up the booth for Helen – Kerrigan's Mayonnaise mis-step
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BP fabricated the topic to show off his prizes – teenage BP's friend sussed the Dominik Diamond Radio 5 Live kids' quiz phone-in – BP won it twice – prize of leather-bound Hobbit stolen by postman
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'What's the combined height of Gary and Phil Neville'
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HP works in leagues/fathoms – quiz girl answers '22 metres' / BP says '21 metres': absolute monster/psychopath caused 100s of car crashes – a 'killer/winner attitude like a shark who wants a N64 + Michael Owen soccer game'
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HP's uni friend Bonjamin/Paaaaat decided to buy a Playstation to 'relax so hard between work sessions' – faculties named after HP & Paaaaat
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Abe's Odyssey had the biggest impact – v addictive – giant boss lizard/dissertation/HP's life ruined – no transferrable skills from Abe's Odyssey to Chaucer essays – other PS game was Three Lions – pyrrhic victory as Paaaaat rode out the clock/Bonjamin answered '21 metres'
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BP wishes a persistent rash upon the postman who stole The Hobbit – BP's 'sucks to be you' message to 22 metres girl – veneer has cracked
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BP's smug life coaching lessons – Bonjamin: do the minimum, still win a PS
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Dominik Diamond's tv show about the Philippines crucifiction tradition – Dominik needs to look into other agents
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Brilliant television: 'Nah' to the idea of being crucified
¶ Emails
- 41:05
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- Dean from Wellington – listens while cooking/partner bathing next to babbling brook – HP prefers a frantic bath – need to make the podcast more serene – HP gargling noises – MW's catty comment about using headphones.
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- Caitlin Buckley's 6-year-old daughter recites the bear rhyme to conifrm BP's advice from last week. 3) Elizabeth's encounter with a black bear while hiking in the Great Smoky Mountains – fellow hiker left peanut butter at his camp that a bear snaffled, then ate beef jerky and mashed up the hiker's backpack and hammock – mountain lion 'rushed' them on the way down – HP could have been that bear – Chris Packham was the mountain lion – HP has trouble with black/brown, especially at dusk
¶ Jingles
- 50:05 Patreon
¶ Notable Quotes
- Hamier-mâché
- It was grey, sort of moist, it was somehow unpleasantly cold and warm at the same time.
- I ate a cupcake with a picture of a corgi on it?
- Why does “The Phantom of the Opera” have such a cultural stranglehold on Britain?
- We’ve got to mention the turds, Andrew! It’s literally a sewer, it’s just turds!
- Kiss the shit off my face, kiss the shit off my face!
- That’s the true test of love as well; if you haven’t wooed a lover on a shit-stained gondola, in an active sewer, then you don’t really know.
- Your name has what is known as “Condiment Trust Factor™️”.
- Booooooooobs!
- Paaaaaaaaat.
- If it’s brown, lie down / If it’s black, fight back/ If it’s white, say goodnight. As in, it’s curtains, right?
- If it’s tawny … make it feel horny.
- I reckon 90% of our audience pretend to like jazz.
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Flower show – 26 patrons
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Geoff with a G (but he's been called far worse) – Ornette Coleman style free jazz
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art