¶ Opening Chat
- The beans share their various ailments and the consequences of getting covid in the bean machine. Ben is the human wet market of the human/cyborg virus.
- Mike has a shaving cut on his finger (badly bandaged for an ex-doctor) and Henry is battling through gob pain but doesnt want to talk about it.
- Henry gets a text from his neighbour about jetwashing the garden. The beans suggest this is bad for the plants. Or maybe, only the toughest survive?
- Henry struggles to formulate a polite and appropriate response.
- They are concerned that in Henry's effort to speak over the noise of the jetwasher that his jaw might fall off and a solution involving a broom handle (turning him into human table football).
- Henry talks about next door's party and how to handle noise (call the police and report the smell of drugs - or terrorism!)
- They decide instead to suggest a 3 hour film - perhaps a Costner? They settle on Dances with Wolves.
- Henry reads a text he has sent previously (containing the word "hijinks").
- Henry finds out that Mike, Ben and Bluebell were in the hot tub during the party.
- The only water Bluebell likes is "party water".
- During Henrys attempt to send a text he has an actual conversation with his neighbour (her contribution is redacted).
- They agree he has handled it well and they gently crank up Ben for todays topic.
¶ Topic Chat
- Mike begins by wondering what the premier sitcom of the Seychelles would be.
- They discus their own involvement in sitcoms and the fact that Ben played Neil in the sitcom "Josh", e.g. "Oh, you've done a right old Neil there!".
- The top three sitcom moments are 1) Del boy falling through the bar, 2) Del and Rodders as Batman and Robin, and 3) Ben as Neil – up to his usual shenanigans.
- "Neil" is hugely successful in Indonesia. The modern day Mr Bean.
- Now making 'Neil vs The Bee' and the spin off 'Neil' - set in Roman Britain but shot in Manhattan.
- Adele is doing the soundtrack which lasts half the episode because of how long Adele holds the "double vowel" note of Neil.
- In the end there is only 6–7 mins of plot but its a dramedy so its just chatting with Aziz Ansari, grabbing pancakes together and mooching around town.
- Henry played a charter in Josh too but the name escapes him until he looks it up (Kevin).
- Mike remembers the trilby (as all good characters are remembered by their clothing).
- The beans check their IMDB listings and discus what they can remember (or not).
- Henry played Policeman 2 in "Patient 7". He suggests that the numbers are not a good sign.
- You build relationships with the cast like Jack Monroe and Wally Chumpernickle. From the "Chumpernickle and Chums" podcast.
- Ben realises that Henry has played Policeman 2 in two different films!
- Henry looks at his IMDB and finds two photos where he looks like Jessica Chastain.
- Ben is listed as "Walker" and the beans are not sure if it was his name or his activity.
- He was a postman and an estate agent but this is not listed).
- When he was acting as a walker, he had a dog but was not allowed to hold the lead if the camera wasn't rolling (in case he untrained the dog?). As soon as cut was called, the handler grabbed the lead.
- The dog handler and BP had a few awkward converstaions until out of the blue he said "Sometimes people ask: could you train a wolf? You can try. You might think you have. But you cant."
- This statement immediately causes the beans to question the genetic heritage of Diefenbaker (from "Due South"). We leaarn that he is a wolf hybrid (part electric?).
- Henry remembers filming as Kevin - all the people carrying pipes and cables distracted him!
- When doing lines he thought he nailed it but the director asked for it differently.
- HP is a pre-prepared prawn sanwich that you cannot add courgette to!
- The director said, "Can you do it quicker?" many times over and Henry wasnt sure if this meant say the words quicker or reduce the pauses or both.
- He practices saying "Cheese and Onion" faster. The sucess or failure of this leads to other casting - or not. HP notes that he never has this problem in real life.
- "Neil" theme tune plays followed by a small clip about confusion surrounding a Caesar salad.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- The beans say thanks for buying tickets (sold out - but streaming is unlimited).
- Mike goes on tour soon as a placeholder for Henry's upcoming "Policeman 2" tour.
- Henry is very busy and cant make any dates of Mike's tour. He says he will do his best.
- They compare Mike's Zusa tour to Phantom of the Opera. Sarah Brightman is doing the driving to the gigs because of her brown sign vision.
- Last week there was talk of an email jingle which was to include a horse being shot by a robot and a nod to the old postmasters.
- Esther emails: walking home from the pub, past Jorvik Viking Centre and remembered someone who contacted the podacst from there. Approached a woman and said "Pompidou" but had a soul-crushingly embarassing moment and scurried away.
- The beans explain that YVC is an "under-britain" full of waxworks.
- John emails: a terrible tale of woe – went to the YVC and asked for 20% off (Pompidou disount) and was refused - perhaps on the basis that the offer had expired due to his death. Shared his story to prevent pompidouing or possibly launch a full viking raid. The beans reiterate at this point that the Soup Dragon Cafe is the only discount.
- Urgent! Pompidou discount jeopardy! - email from the Soup Dragon Cafe. Pompidou fatigue experienced by staff (especially Michelle) and Pompidou abuse! Some people claiming discount who havent heard of the beans! Family of 4 asked who is their favourite bean but answered that they didnt eat beans (or listen to podcasts!!).
- The beans consider solutions to this problem - preapproval via email? a short quiz? A new code word every week (the enigma approach)? Audio QR code (sing a jingle). They decided that Michelle should decide (Michelle's discretion) and they ask llisteners to tell us what happens.
¶ Jingles
- Bluebell (12.24)
- Bean Machine (14.54)
- Neil (35:42)
- Emails (43.48)
- Listener Bollocking (54.37)
¶ Bollockings
- Mark has a bollocking for Mike. His wife gets mail for Carl (but her name is Carrie). He has enjoyed making fun of her for this until Mike referred to him as Mark Petsoid (instead of Petsold). Bolocking accepted Another bollocking for Mike from Iona who says that he switched the last last two syllables of her last name. Multi accepto bollock!
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Annual Sean Bean Lounge Ring Binder Derby
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Samantha from Berlin (approx 250 miles from Bremen) - Hurdy Gurdy (the medieval synthesiser)
¶ Notable Quotes
- Covid’s got into the Bean Machine.
- It’s very hard to get the Bean Machine to do a lateral flow test.
- I am the human wet market of this situation.
- I’ve never ever claimed that I was a good doctor, Henry.
- He reflexively just shouted “Nurse!” and nobody came.
- Have you got Podcaster’s Jaw?
- I’m not a low-jinks guy, I’m a high-jinks guy, just like you!
- I’m probably the kind of guy who watches “Newsnight” till the end, and then, sometimes I’ll even watch “Question Time” till about half-way through.
- “Chairman Crab”
- Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiooooollllllll
- A lot of people said it would be impossible to follow up that performance as Kevin in "Josh", and I haven’t.
- When your character name has a number after it, it’s not generally a good sign.
- Wally Chumbernickel?
- It’s more of a vibe when you’re playing the New Year.
- Pint of cheese and onion, please!