¶ Opening Chat
- How have the Beans coped in the heatwave? Should Henry podcast topless? (No)
- Did Henry take up his neighbour's offer to use their pool? No.
- Straw trilbies all round for the Beans. However, Henry's head had got too big for his.
- Ben had been to Pontypridd Lido to maintain his shape.
- He swam in the Slow Lane (Mike being 'a big admirer of people who stick to lane etiquette') but was too fast for the other users, finding himself 'working these old women like a pacemaker from behind!'
- He was told, in no uncertain terms, 'You NEED to go in the Medium Lane'.
- Hi, I'm Bonjamin.
¶ Topic Chat
- Mike had recently been to Toledo where every other shop sold Damascene steel swords. It was also a city of beautiful mega-hams.
- The top 3 Ham Cultures, according to Henry, are Spain, Italy and the North of England (Middle Eastern and European hams are a grey area).
- British ham is pressure-hosed off a pig's spine whereas Spanish or Italian ham is pure pig leg. Their episodes of Peppa Pig are disturbing for British children as comprise various scenarios of Peppa being de-legged.
- Henry's PhD: 'Are the 3 great Ham Cultures the 3 great Sword Cultures?'
- Is Antonio Banderas/Zorro Spanish? No, it is set in LA, in the pre-cinema era.
- Italy has Roman, 'thrusting, bastard swords.'
- The north of England has Sean Bean blades.
- Is there a link between hams and swords? (Yes, three)
- Omitted sword cultures of Japan and France.
- Fencing would suit Mike.
- Regional detective dramas need certain characters to interview and fencing is a great sport to have a suspect engaging in, whether that suspect is: Guilty-looking vicar, Crusty Colonel, Sociopathic Entrepreneur, Fey Sculptress, Embittered academic or Hovering Japanese pony.
- Peepo as the basis of all culture. And fencing.
- Casablanca/Hill of Beans chat.
- What types of fencing are there? Radicchio, Epinard, Foil, Sabre and Clogger.
- Fencing was based on duels - cool French duel of two men suspended under balloons.
- Broadsword used to kill people by smacking them sideways - keeping troops focussed on lobbing hot pebbles.
- When does something stop being a dagger (or cheeseknife or scalpel) and start being a sword?
- Henry shows his feet to the others over Zoom. His chiropodist may relocate to South America.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Ben from Canada: 1) Most Canadian cities are not smug. 2) He likes the lack of wilderness in the UK. Definition of trekking discussed - and Mike doing Gold Duke of Edinburgh Award, and going to Buckingham Palace to meet am unknown celebrity, 'Not Pat Sharpe.' 3) Castor oil comes from the anal glands of the beaver. Henry has recently experienced the Bader Meinhoff phenomenon regarding beavers. 4) The appendix is not vestigial.
- Email from Sam from Bremen, Buckinghamshire about Henry's portrayal of Kevin in 'Josh'. (Safe word, Papaya). Henry had invented a 'combined mulch-word': 'pintolagerpleaselove.'
¶ Jingles
- America (11.00)
- Emails (42.00)
- Canada (47.00)
- Royal (49:10)
- Patreon (55:40)
¶ Bollockings
- Email from Walter, the Austrian Crown Prince of Bollocking.
- A Bollock Duel - choose the David or Goliath Bollock.
- Walter tells Henry he was right about his reference to Brownian Motion (in email section of Service Stations) so this was not a bollocking but a 'Gentle stroking of the bollocks' - Henry and Walter engaging in a delicate, deadly Hapsburgian waltz.
- All Beans veto the future use of the gentle bollock stroking - 'No, no, no.'
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Nazeball
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Conor - 70s Rock, Clapton tribute for Mike specifically designed to annoy Henry. Ben and Mike Guitar Chat to end series, fading out with Henry shouting, 'Dissolve my ears!'
¶ Notable Quotes
- From front of nose to rear of occiput, I’m unusually long.
- Picture the famous alien from the movie “Alien”, or any of the sequels.
- A slightly puffy, hungover E.T.
- I’m no Michael Phelps, and I wish that rumour would go away.
- I’m a big admirer of people who stick to lane etiquette.
- They were your water huskies.
- We’ve seen whole communities destroyed by Thatcher, and we never told her to go in the medium lane.
- Hi, I’m Bonjamin.
- If you want to pick up a nine-foot broadsword, it’s a piece of piss in Toledo.
- You can get a scimitar and a crusader helmet keyring.
- It’s a thrusting bastard sword.
- And increasingly, hovering Japanese pony!
- When does something stop being a dagger, and start being a sword?
- I sent my chiropodist a picture of my cracked heel this morning.
- You know what, I’m going to go to South America, and I’m going to learn how to make carpets.
- The Austrian Crown Prince of Bollocking
- He likes to duel with you, Henry. Choose your weapon: sword, pistol, or bollocks.
- I therefore consider this email not a bollocking, but rather, a gentle stroking of the bollocks.
- It’s a delicate waltz isn’t it, that me and Walter dance?
- If it had been Pat Sharp, this wouldn’t have been the first time you heard about it.
- Pintoflagerpleaselove