¶ Opening Chat
Henry's experience of being a member of the London Library as a piece of Peak Procrastination instead of writing: joined, waited 2 weeks, dusted off Abe's Odyssey, had induction process including drinks, performed South Pacific with Tom Stoppard (silently), and did stack challenges (finding copies of The Origin of Species, The Pelican Brief, or The Necronomicon).
Ben and Mike were put out that they weren't shown round by Henry or introduced to Tom Stoppard. They were not "Stoppard Ready".
Henry was back in Costa within 2 weeks.
Problems included where to sit, how to get a good supply of coffee when having to navigate labyrinthine corridors and Escheresque staircases (with Mark Lawson baby), the Information Flume (with Prokofiev, Dickens and Jon Ronson) into the Syntax Jacuzzi (with John Updike), and on to the Staircase of Pages (don't get squashed or you become a Booker Prize winning book within 4 years).
He had eventually procured a coffee at the top of the building to take back to his seat but had been stopped by William Blake.
The Premium Seats are at the top of the building and lower brow books (such as "Cooking Tips from Ian Beale") are kept deep underground near the Titchmarsh Floor.
Everyone wears thick tweed and corduroy.
Unspoken Seating War with Agatha Christie taking the Premium Seat and Robert Browning nabbing the second best seat.
Henry gave up as it was lunchtime. He liked that part of London around Jermyn Street with its myriad brogue sellers, hatters, and hat polishers.
¶ Topic Chat
Topic submitted by "Your Worst Nightmare"... Henry says his worst nightmare as a child involved his mum, a staircase, his brother, and some muesli. Mike had the same one. Ben did too, but from the POV of the muesli.
Ben was scared of The Hound of The Baskervilles as a child and Henry felt the same, and also about Nightmare on Elm Street, both of which he felt sounded more scary than the stories actually were.
Mike felt the Hound of the Baskervilles was ruined for him by Scooby Doo.
Japanese horror film "The Ring" inspired stories about what happened to people who watched it.
Edit by Bonjamin about how the Prime Minster had changed since they recorded it.
Henry and Ben try to run their fingers round a glass to make it sing, with no success.
They remember discussions about glass with Walter from Austria, with Henry pronouncing it is a liquid.
Ben and Henry see the world through glass but Mike has never had a proper eye test. His wife and daughter wear glasses but his dog, Pam, does not. The invention of "Dog Specs" as the cutest medical innovation of all time. Make a simple device to do an eye test and when all the dogs fail to read the letters the owners buy glasses (£47/week).
Henry pictures Bluebell with a monocle which takes a sinister turn into the realm of a top hat, railway empire, off-shore accounts, and friendship with Kim Jong-un. Dennis Rodman as a friend of his (not Dennis Waterman).
Steven Seagal as friends with Putin; Gerard Depardieu having distanced himself now. Video of Seagal's martial arts prowess makes him look good.
Befriending dictators may be a good career option for Three Bean Salad. Along with teaching, leaning on Mike's wife's pension, or getting a spot on GB News.
Henry tries to find phrases in which to couch the word "woke", e.g. Luftwokawaffe... (WIP) whereas Ben comes up with so many (including John Wokes, not John Noakes!) that they realise he is the natural GB News spokesperson.
Did Take That break America? Henry is torn between thinking they are naff and thinking they are brilliant. Feels he should love Bach instead, but he doesn't.
The Beans are broadly in favour of benevolent autocracy. Ideally they would get a palace, National Service, volleyball courts, clay pigeon drones, snow leopard puppies, croc circus, tiramisu on tap, and pony crossed with a toad and a pig with antlers.
How to pass the time? Scottish SAS vets will try to assassinate them, though they won't succeed as are elderly and like the soft life now.
If the people rise against you have a means of escape via a hybrid version of a seabird: wombat bat or horned giant kestrel.
¶ Emails
Howard (not from Take That) had intended to swim at Hampstead ponds but felt sick on the bus there as had been listening to "Sandwiches", with the horrible description of the Tossratmipube and ended up throwing up on the pavement. (Not a bollocking). He did wonder if the sickness might have been down to his having had 6 pints of perry the night before. Ben shared how perry has a severe laxative effect on him and his friends. Henry is glad his parents don't listen to him being disgusting but then they wonder if a Patreon episode could be of his parents listening to Three Bean Salad, like in the film Grizzly Man. Henry apologises to Howard but then goes on to add another revolting pudding option: Poobarb Bumdrool with Pusturd.
(The Dictator Option has now been withdrawn and they will all be living off Mike's wife and his guitar sales.)
¶ Jingles
- 15:20 - Bean Machine
- 22:00 - Want You Back For Good
- 48:30 - Email Jingle
- 52:00 - Digestive Tract Talk
- 57:15 - America
- 59:17 - Patreon
¶ Bollockings
Kate from America bollocks The Beans for being critical about Ranch Dressing when we have Salad Cream. Ben says he will buy Ranch Dressing for the next series and they will have a live taste test.
The Special Relationship is not to be jeopardised.
¶ Notable Quotes
- "A flower cannot flower in a Costa, that is why there are no live plants in a Costa"
- "It’s all quite MC Escher. You’ll be at the top of a staircase, and you’ll look at the bottom and there’ll be an upside-down baby"
- "Hang on, that’s not a baby that’s Mark Lawson wearing a nappy"
- "Suddenly you’re in Tom Stoppard’s mind"
- "Into the syntax jacuzzi"
- "Conjugate this!"
- "Heading back into the stacks, and someone puts their hand on my arm, it’s only bloody William Blake"
- "You walk through a room made of corduroy to get in"
- "All I do each night is … satire"
- "Pam though, like me, has never had a proper eye test, and we just assume"
- "I’m just picturing Bluebell with a monocle"
- "I was planning on leaning heavily on my wife, really, financially speaking"
- "I thought I was taking a British Airways flight not a- not a- erm, w-w-w… Luft-woke-waffe! Luft-woke-waffe! Luft-woke-waffe! I’ve been working on that one"
- "And you’re bored, as you open the parcel and it’s another bloody snow leopard puppy"
- "Poo-barb bum-drool"
- "Hot pus-turd"
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
Perry casks are in abundance at the Annual Salads of the World Song Contest, with mention of balsamic vinegar, Waldorf in F Flat major, smooth jazz tabbouleh and Purple Strawberry winning the carrot baton panpipes.
¶ Listener Theme Tune
Mark from, not Bremen, but Manchester submits a 'Dizzying Five Minute Crab-centric Prog Opera' with honourable mentions to his wife and daughters and fellow listener Oliver.